After money, your health is the most important asset you have. But did you know that at any moment you could drop dead or be carrying a deadly disease even though you feel perfectly fine? Rather than live in constant fear, hear what doctors* have to say about your impending death as we outline 8 “red flag” symptoms that spell out your doom.
Do you have any of these? No? Really? Check again. Now do you have them? If you do, you’re probably going to die. But you may have a shot of making it to the hospital if you catch them early enough. Here they are:
1. One of your arms falls off. Call 911 with the hand on your other arm.
2. When you breathe, you see a ghost offering you his hand and then he disappears till you breathe again. It’s kind of like a game you two share. Not a fun game though because it never ends and he doesn’t look like the kind of person you’d want to hold hands or go anywhere with.
3. A bunch of your dead relatives are cooking stuff but you’re not hungry at all. It’s like you don’t need food anymore or something.
4. Your head catches on fire and then explodes as you leave your house and walk to your car. It’s super hard to live without a head.
5. When you look in the mirror, you see yourself, but when you make movements, the mirror image stays still, or, even worse, it’s you, but you have a mustache. And you’re doing that dance where someone got you to dance at a party and you did it because you were too embarrassed to be the guy who “doesn’t dance” but then people start looking at you because you’re kind of humping the air and now you’re alone and a circle is forming around you, but not in a good way—more like observing an injured animal and wondering what to do.
6. You’re in a snowball fight and you’re laughing and then you realize you just threw your penis at someone. Ask for it back before you go to the ER.
7. You start to say something and a serpent slithers out of your mouth. You also start calling snakes “serpents.”
8. Somebody from your past recognizes you and says you died in 1978. And you say, “What? 1978 was so out of sight! No way did I die that year.” And then you ask him if he has your tickets to the Bee Gees concert because you’re going there right after you drag race your Camaro at Death Cliff Point.
*Doctors are people just like anyone else. So in a way, anyone is a doctor if he’s also a person. Why even use the label “doctor” anyway? Just say “some guy” instead. As in “You should never ignore these 8 red flag symptoms according to some guy.”
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