Real estate master and future centi-billionaire Kris Krohn has a lifestyle most of us can only dream about. See what happens when Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer decides to take Krohn’s advice and make it his command.
Kris Krohn is my new president. Here’s how I vow to live my life under his rule. By Ed Mountaineer.
If you don’t already know me, I’m a pretty influential writer at the Intergalactic Business Report—a publication almost as well-known as I am. I have written many columns about my connections to the celebrity world, including my personal friendships with stars, business leaders, and people most people would consider better than themselves. In all my time hob nobbing, advising, and, yes, frolicking, I have come to see the flaws, simplicity, and terrible flaws in many of these so-called talented humans, like Ryan Reynolds.
That was my view on the world—that those shiny examples of success and happiness you see on the screen are, in actuality, just sad, decrepit shells, desperately trying to entice you with their fake hair and fake Canadian accents. That was until I started watching the shit put out there by Kris Krohn.
If you don’t know or understand Kris Krohn, let me put it this way: He is like a god who walks among men and imparts wisdom that makes King Solomon look like a dipshit who’s giving you an estimate to mow your lawn. Krohn is what we have all been waiting for in a leader, mentor, and big-brother/father figure/role model. That is why I elected him president for life in my mind. Let me explain…
Kris Krohn has a private jet and on that jet there are no rules, except, I’m guessing, that the pilot can’t take a dump on the controls and render the craft useless. Other than that, Krohn and his guests can do whatever they want on that plane. Think about that for a second. Anything they want. Except take dumps on the controls.
Kris Krohn also has set a goal of earning a hundred billion dollars. Not a billion. But a hundred billion. And that’s just by like next year or something. Think about that for a second. Kris Krohn says he studied Warren Buffet and he isn’t impressed because Buffet made his first billion when he was 55, which is way old. That dumb old motherfucker is only worth $121 billion now and he’s 93! When Krohn is 93 he’ll have like four hundo billion, making him the richest man on the planet by far and also making me pretty smart for having been the first to elect him president over myself. Think about the gratitude he’ll have for me when he hits that mark and I’m in his front lawn screaming that I voted for him, elected him, and now follow his every order, except, of course, getting off his lawn which I see as a sort of barony that I now control because of my loyalty and fealty to him. It’s knight stuff. Look it up.
Kris Krohn is so smart that he doesn’t wear shoes or socks. What? Yeah, that’s right. No shoes. No socks. He just sits there, barefoot, telling you stuff.
Kris Krohn also drinks a gallon, at least, of water every day. He says to his followers that “every man or woman needs to drink a gallon of water every day, no questions asked.” That means that people like me are not allowed to ask questions. I get that. I like that. I am motivated by the idea that Kris Krohn tells me what to do and I don’t question it. But how do I drink a gallon of water every day? The answer: you carry around a jug of water all day and drink from it. “You schlep that thing around with you wherever you go,” Kris Krohn commands me. That’s leadership. I have a huge jug of water I carry around now and I’m going to be honest. Half the reason for it is that if I ever run into Krohn, or he sees me on his front lawn, I’ll have a jug and he’ll be like, “Good.” And I’ll be like, “Yeah, I saw your video.” And He’ll be like, “Good.” And I’ll be like, “You’re my president.” And then we’ll see how it goes from there.
Kris Krohn has a car with a gun turret in the flat bed. He had his ride modded out and added that shit because if there’s an apocalypse, then Kris Krohn can just ride in and shoot your ass and steal all your stuff. That’s planning ahead. Also, I assume he will spare his followers, like me. He’ll roll up amid the firestorm of burning flesh and garbage and point his guns at me and he’ll ask, “Are you with Kris Krohn or do you wish for death?” And I’ll just show him my Kris Krohn tatoo that takes up my entire body and he’ll be like, “Get in.” Kind of makes me look forward to the end of days when Kris and I can ride around and mete out justice “Kris Krohn” style.
Kris Krohn works out till his muscles fail. Most doctors will tell you that’s a bad idea, but where the fuck did they get their medical degrees? Not at Kris Krohn university, where Kris Krohn is a full professor with tenure and has all the freshman chicks trying to get on his junk. That’s for sure. I have gone into severe muscle failure several times now and my stupid doctor keeps saying stuff like, “What are you doing?” and “You’re going to die if you keep doing this,” and I keep telling him, “My muscles don’t fail. They succeed,” and then he says something about how I’m a danger to myself and probably others.
Kris Krohn doesn’t drive (except during the apocalypse). Instead, he has some doofus drive him while he makes videos for 10K a pop. Yeah, that’s right. 10K. A. Pop.
Oh, and before I forget, Kris Krohn never does anything he did last year, this year. Anything. Because that’s the secret to success. So, if Kris Krohn gets a restraining order against me this year, he can’t get one against me NEXT year, for example. Also, Kris Krohn says that to be successful, you are constantly training your replacement, which means, I guess, that he’s training me…? Am I motherfucking replacing Kris fucking Krohn? Is that what you’ve been planning, Kris? Am I you now, or do I have to wait till next year? I don’t get it.
I guess I’m done writing now. Good bye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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