The secret of how super wealthy men pick up gorgeous women: I hang out with rich people, volume three.

​Because I lead a life where I’m basically partying with the richest people in the world every day and night, it doesn’t make sense to readers why I would take even three seconds to let them in on how amazing my situation is. In other words, why am I so generous to write a column about my experiences so that lower level humans, like you, can have a fleeting glimpse of what it’s like to essentially have sex with luxury, money, and lavishness?
 
I don’t have a good answer for that, other than maybe it’s because I’m a good person. Anyway, enough about you. Today’s subject is about how my rich friends pick up hot women and what their secret is. After observing for quite some time, I’ve narrowed it down to four unbelievable facts that go counter to anything you’ve read, seen, or imagined.
 
While with my homeboy (let’s just call him Prince D. so you can never guess his identity) I noticed some attractive women at a party he was hosting. I did what I believed rich people would do if they wanted to meet them, so I shouted, “Yo, hookers, you wanna get with me? I’ve got money!”
 
Surprisingly, none of the hookers were interested. And, as Prince D explained to me, they were not hookers. He called them “models.” I wasn’t going to let homey off so easily. I asked him, “if they’re not hookers, then why are they at a party where only rich people are?” Prince D. explained that these beautiful (on the outside) girls may indeed be interested in meeting a rich guy, but they did not sleep with men in exchange for money.
 
At that point, I pointed out Prince D’s girlfriend, who was also a “model” who received a sick sports car from him for her twenty-third birthday. He said he just has a lot of money and wanted to give her something nice to show how much he appreciated her. “Yeah,” I mumbled so that he couldn’t hear me, “like a hooker.”
 
I found another group of women later. They were very attractive (externally) and I tried a different approach with them. “Hey, models!” I announced. “Which one of you will sleep with me for a Lamborghini?” One of them immediately agreed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to come up with the car after having sex and explained to her that I didn’t have any real money of my own. Instead of being angry, she asked if I could introduce her to one of my many rich friends. 
 
Hmmm, I started thinking. I could become some kind of pimp and spend my days setting up wealthy friends with hookers, um, models. I could charge a kind of “finder’s fee” for my services and then even call myself a “matchmaker” or something and start a whole business and maybe get my own reality show. But then the more I thought about that, I realized how much it would suck to work that hard. Seriously, it’s so much easier just living off my super rich friends. 
 
When I found Prince D again I said, “If you didn’t have all your money, what would you say to a girl you really wanted to date?”
 
Prince D. thought for a moment. Then he said that he guessed he would just pretend to be rich and offer the girl a really expensive car if she slept with him. “Like a Lambo?” I asked. “Sure. I guess,” he replied, clearly fascinated by how I could read his mind like he was an empty cipher and I controlled him like a cruel but fair puppet master. 
 
So, here’s the summary of how rich people pick up gorgeous women:
 
1.They call them models instead of hookers.
2.They create a venue where they can meet these hookers, like a party.
3.They have sex with them.
4.They give them birthday presents.
 
As the party waned and the sun began to rise, I realized I had only had sex with one of the many women roaming the grounds. Prince D was off somewhere with his girlfriend and I turned my attention to the caterers and bartenders. 
 
I said to one of them, “How about you? You’re not as good-looking as those models, but you’re O.K. Why do you sleep with rich guys?”
 
She seemed angry, or something – it was an emotion I’d never seen on someone’s face. She muttered some lie about how she doesn’t sleep with rich guys. I countered immediately by offering her a Lambo, but I guess it wasn’t the right “brand” of car for her. Lesson to myself: memorize more luxury car names to get more hookers!*
 
 
*Just a note to poorer people reading this. You can offer cars that fit your lower level of being and get less attractive hookers who hang around the places you do, like country western bars and putt putt golf courses (I’m just guessing). Offer a Ford, for instance. Or a Honda Civic. Good luck, player. See you never. (And I only say that because I will probably literally never see you anywhere, ever, because you have a lifestyle that is deeply below me. No judgment. Just fact. But good luck with those hookers.)


Darryl Smurten is an expert on the lives and lifestyles of super wealthy people. His own life consists of hanging out with these people and garnering insights and secrets about them. Post comments below or contact Darryl at [email protected].