10 crushing facts of life that you need to accept now. Maybe.

   
1. You will never look back on your life and wish you worked harder or spent more time in the office. Unless you spent most of your life not doing much and sitting around on your couch hoping something would happen. In that case, your biggest regret on your deathbed will be that you didn’t spend enough time working in an office and making something of yourself. 

2. Everyone is going to die (including you). At least that’s what everyone says. In reality, it’s possible that there’s at least one immortal out there (like a vampire or a highlander) and if there’s one there could be others. Maybe it’s you. You really don’t know until you actually die, which hasn’t happened yet. Probably because you’re a highlander. 

3. You will never be totally happy. Unless you win the lottery and have a super fulfilling relationship with your spouse, children, and friends. And if you get to drive a Lambo because you’re so fucking rich. Also, if you get to do whatever you want and go wherever you want whenever you want to, like, for instance, let’s say you’re drunk and you tell your limo driver to get you a corndog and he has to find you one or he’ll be fired. In that case, you’re leading a life where you are totally fulfilled and happy. 

4. It is virtually impossible to suck your own dick. We think. But seriously, if you limbered up a lot and stretched all the time… We don’t know. It’s possible. So maybe don’t give up. 

5. If you do end up sucking your own dick, you’ll probably find that you hate sucking dick. Or that you love it. Or that you’re not sure but you are sure that you’re not very good at it. We don’t know. So, again, keep trying.  

6. There will always be someone who’s richer, more successful, and better looking than you. Or, maybe you could become the richest person in the world and then do a bunch of plastic surgery and work out all the time so that you actually are the most successful, richest, best-looking person in the world.  

7. The most important thing in life is your relationships with your loved ones. Unless, of course, space aliens come down and they choose you to be the one human they’re going to communicate with, and then they ask if they should destroy Earth. And you have to be like, “guys, no. Don’t do that.” And then they’re like, “well, o.k. But we might change our mind tomorrow, so come back to the space ship and talk with us about it then.” And they do this every day, again and again. In that case, the most important relationship in your life would be with space creatures who want to destroy the planet. You should definitely neglect your family and friends in that case. 

8. Your mom is never going to break up with Randy. No matter how many times she kicks him out, he’ll be back in her bedroom within days or even hours. Even though Randy will never replace your dad, you should just take him up on showing you how to do taxidermy, even though you’re pretty convinced that he has no formal training and is just mutilating dead animal carcasses.  

9. You can’t take money and wealth with you when you die. Hmmm. Maybe that’s not true either. See our article on the afterlife. 
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10. Being a good person and treating people well is what will matter most in your life. Absolutely. But… What if you’ve spent most of your life being a total dick and everyone kind of knows you that way. Then you try being super nice and they all disrespect you and hate you. So, think about how much of a dick you are before you make any major changes to how you treat others.