It’s waiting. But you’re holding it in. You wince in pain as you imagine releasing it on people in the conference room, checkout line, or the DMV. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer makes a profound plea to simply let out your fart.
I am farting as I write this. You should too. I feel like you know this. That you understand the only way to move forward is to let it go and just fart. Fart like you don’t care about shitting your pants and like you want to see how loud it can be before the room erupts in chaos.
They told you not to fart. Your mom. Your teachers. Your driver’s ed instructor. And you listened to them. Till now. Because now is your time to express yourself through a fart so profuse and stultifying that it takes an almost human form as it burns through the room like a shooting star of mystery vapor excrement.
You’ve waited for this moment even though you didn’t know there was a moment like this to be waited for. It’s the time in your life where you ride the line between destroying yourself in a job interview and making a French horn sound with your anus that intrigues music lovers until they slowly pass out from the brutal after stench and shock.
I’m waiting. Did you fart yet?
O.K. Let’s try this again. Your fart is a car, revving its engine and waiting in a closed garage. If you don’t let it out, you will die of carbon monoxide poisoning, so open your butt garage and drive out before it’s too late.
You get one shot at this. Unless it’s the kind of fart that reverberates and causes a chain of farts. In that case, you have like three or four shots at it.
One more reason: an old man once told me, on his deathbed, that the one thing he regretted most was not having unleashed a massive fart in a public setting. He died fartless. Don’t make the same mistake.
In closing, I just farted. There were people around me. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at email@example.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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