The Intergalactic Business Report’s fitness expert, Jonny Ripkin, creator of the Shred and Fed Diet, has some extremely hot advice about how you can use this winter to get in the best shape of your life.
WHO AM I?
I’m Jonny Ripkin, and if you haven’t heard of me yet it’s probably because you don’t care about your body. But that’s O.K. Most people don’t, and there’s a very good reason.
THE REASON PEOPLE DON’T CARE ABOUT THEIR BODIES.
Because their bodies look like shit. Think about it. If you had a car that was a pile of crap and could barely run, would you care about it? Or would you just say, “Fuck this,” and light it on fire?
SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO ABOUT YOUR PIECE OF CRAP BODY? LIGHT IT ON FIRE?
Woah, hold up. Don’t set yourself on fire just yet, although if you do you will actually lose a ton of weight, super fast. In fact, it’s probably the fastest weight loss method out there. Lighting yourself on fire will literally burn off all the fat on your body.
OTHER OPTIONS, BESIDES SELF-IMMOLATION.
O.K., so the lighting yourself on fire thing is a great plan, but if you want to function as a living human being afterwards, it is problematic. Although, I do have to admit, if you burn yourself to death, you definitely will keep the weight off. It’s like a 0% rate of people who gain pounds after. Not bad. Not bad at all. But there are some more options out there you may want to also look at.
LIKE WHAT? LIKE WHAT OTHER OPTIONS?
I don’t know. Like diets. And exercise. But the more I think about it, burning yourself alive is a pretty damned good way to almost instantly lose weight.
BUT YOU DIE. YOU DIE IF YOU BURN YOURSELF TO DEATH?
Yes. I guess. I mean, who knows, but I guess that would be correct. I’ve never tried it obviously, so I can’t say for certain. But I can say it would make a cool name for a diet plan. Something like Learn to Burn or Burn and Turn (into the person you want to become), or whatever. I need to work on it.
OTHER BENEFITS OF LIGHTING YOURSELF AFLAME.
It’s winter, so people need heat. Sometimes they turn up their thermostats or they light fires. You could go near those people and give them warmth. That would be nice for them.
IS THERE A TRADITIONAL DIET AND EXERCISE PROGRAM TO USE THIS WINTER THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE BURNING YOURSELF ALIVE?
Probably. But I’m kind of stuck on this idea now.
Jonny Ripkin is the fitness expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. His controversial methods for weight loss and muscle building are changing the way we see health, fitness, weight loss, and some other things. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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