Is Keanu Reeves too good to be true? We reveal brand new Keanu stories from real people* that prove, once again, he’s way better than other celebrities.
Keanu eats a cupcake on his birthday and then gives a zillion dollars to sick children. That’s a typical report on how awesome the John Wick actor is. Search for apocryphal stories about Reeves on the internet and you’ll find accounts of him helping random strangers, riding the subway like a regular dude, and engaging in countless acts of kindness.
The Intergalactic Business Report is a serious publication. Did you hear that, dad? Anyway, we decided to look deeper into the reality of Keanu Reeves and what we found is that he’s even better than anyone ever thought and much much better than other celebrities, like, for instance, Ryan Reynolds or whatever. Don’t believe that’s even possible? Read what we found.
KEANU STORY: Kitten colony.
Several years ago, Reeves noticed that stray cats in Venice, Italy were overwhelming the city and reproducing at rates that left them starving and desperate. To counter this, he established a cat colony on an island off the coast of West Africa to care for the animals and loosen the burden on the ancient city.
OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Fuck those cats.
Prior to Keanu’s cat effort, actor Ryan Reynolds visited Venice and saw all the cats running around. “Fuck those cats,” he purportedly said.
KEANU STORY: Alien invasion thwarted.
Although the year this occurred is still in question, several members of the scientific community** confirm that an alien plan to conquer Earth was ended when a vanguard spacecraft landed near Keanu’s California home. Reeves heard some noises and approached the craft in his back yard. The space invaders, believing Reeves was the leader of our world, quickly de-escalated their plans, even saying, “No way are we going to ruin a place where someone so kind and nice and incredibly cool exists.” They left, never to return, but not before making Keanu an honorary alien leader and protector of our planet.
OTHER CELEBRITY COMPARISON STORY: Drunk alien challenge.
Nearby, actor Ryan Reynolds sat in his backyard, drunkenly drinking his Aviator gin, and screaming to the heavens that he challenges all space aliens to war. Thank goodness, the armada’s scout landed in Keanu Reeve’s back yard instead. Otherwise, Reynolds would have fucked our planet (again).
KEANU STORY: COVID cure.
Urban legend has it that Keanu’s touch may cure COVID-19, but even Keanu Reeve’s isn’t capable of such Jesus-like acts. Insiders close to Reeves, however, confirm that he is able to confront the virus and it dissolves instantly when it realizes how awesome Keanu is. This interaction, unlike a simple touch, takes thirty seconds and makes it impossible, unfortunately, for Reeves to effectively cure everyone in the world in a timely manner.
COMPARISON CELEBRITY STORY: Pissed off Coronavirus decides to stick around.
Many scientists*** are now saying that Covid would have died off last year, but then it saw actor Ryan Reynolds and decided to stay.
*This isn’t written by AI, so this is real people. Right?
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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