There are a lot of reasons people do elections, but I think one of the most important reasons is to elect people. I wanted to write this column today to urge readers of the Intergalactic Business Report to elect me, which you would do by voting for me instead of other people.
Let me explain how that works: instead of choosing someone else when you vote, you vote for me. Oh, and I want to be president, so choose that one. Anyway… Here are seven reasons you should do that.
1. Voting for me is considered “cool” and trendy. After your vote for me, people will be like, “Who did you vote for?” And you can say, “Ed Mountaineer,” and they’ll say something like, “Oh, are you rich and know celebrities now or something?”
2. You know what my penis looks like. Can you say that about other candidates? Think about the peace of mind you could have by saying to yourself, “Yup, that’s the President of the United States and I know exactly what his dick looks like.”*
3. News flash: everyone is voting for Ed Mountaineer now. You should do that too. There’s stuff on the news about this. It just flashed you.
4. Think about the relief you’ll feel when you leave the voting booth and can scream that you voted for me to all the other voters as they change their minds and vote for me too. I’m being told that’s illegal, so whisper that in a loud whisper to everyone. Oh, I guess don’t do that either. So how the fuck is everyone going to know what to do? They may not even know how to spell my name unless you tell them. Fuck this. This is hard.
5. Now I’m pissed off and don’t even want to write reason number five. I think my anger started on point number four (above) when someone told me I can’t tell people to shout my name at a polling station. Freedom of speech. That’s all I’m saying.
6. I was hoping to get to seven reasons, but now I feel like I’m done writing. Goodbye.
*This one only applies to the people who have seen my penis. If you haven’t seen it, that’s weird, but I guess then there are only six reasons you should vote for me.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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