As we’ve done in the past, the Intergalactic Business Report sent writers into the afterlife to tell us what’s actually happening there. The results were astounding and some cherished myths busted. Here’s what we found:
MYTH ONE: In the end, what you’ll really be judged on is how you treated other people.
THE TRUTH: One of our writers, who is super nice to everyone, received a “biggest pussy in the universe” badge when he entered the afterlife.
MYTH TWO: You can’t take your money and possessions with you.
THE TRUTH: Turns out all the cultures who buried stuff with dead people were right. Those guys are rich now. If you were wearing a nice suit in your coffin or had a pocket watch or something, you can probably sell them for something. But otherwise, you’re pretty fucked. Since most cultures nowadays won’t allow you to bury servants and boats in your grave with you, our advice is to just stuff hundred dollar bills in your dead pockets and wear a lot of expensive jewelry.
MYTH THREE: You can eat whatever you want and not get fat.
THE TRUTH: Don’t fall for this one. As soon as you arrive, some dude with a mustache comes by with a taco cart and tells you that you can have a million of them. And you can. But then you look kind of like Jabba the Hutt and can’t move. Forever.
MYTH FOUR: You’ll be able to look down at people on Earth and help them in mysterious ways.
THE TRUTH: They only let you look when people are masturbating. And you can’t help them, even if you want to. We tried. Believe us.
MYTH FIVE: Everything makes sense and you understand what you were doing on Earth.
THE TRUTH: Nope. When you arrive you need to take a test kind of like the SAT, only a lot harder. They have math problems no one’s ever heard of because they’re in some language you’ve never seen. Then they tell you where you placed on the exam and make a lot of under their breath comments about how fucking stupid you are and when you ask, “What did you just say?” they say, “Nothing…” and then they just start giggling to each other.
MYTH SIX: You’ll meet family and loved ones who’ve passed on.
THE TRUTH: Maybe. They’ve been watching you masturbate for a long long time and they’re a little weirded out by seeing you, so give them a while.
MYTH SEVEN: Your penis gets as large as you want it to be.
THE TRUTH: Maybe this isn’t a myth you’ve heard. But we thought we could wish for it since we were in heaven or whatever. Nope. It made our penises even smaller. Fuck this.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.