We know you have questions about the Coronavirus pandemic. We gathered the best scientific minds* to answer your questions. You’re welcome.
Q: If 4 billion people a day get the virus, how long would it take for everyone to get it?
A: The Earth’s population is about 7,800,000,000. This means that the entire planet could have Covid-19 in two days. And that’s not counting the people who already have it, so it may be more like a day and a half.
Q: Is it time for some of us to just go to another planet and get out of here?
A: Yes, but then, like in Alien, one person will bring it aboard your spaceship and everyone will get it. But, yeah, you should try it.
Q: My balls itch. But not just like a normal itch. They itch a lot, like it’s Coronavirus or something?
A: Yeah. Probably. That sounds right.
Q: I’ve had my hand stuck up my butt for like three days now. Is that Coronavirus?
A: If you had said two days, we’d have said, “Wait another day and see if it’s still stuck.” Since you kind of did that, we’d say it’s probably Coronavirus.
Q: I had sex with a stripper named “Covidia.” Do I have the virus now?
A: 100%. Yes. Why the fuck would you do that?
Q: What’s your scientific background? Do you guys all have PhDs and stuff?
A: More like, “and stuff.”
Q: Ever since the Coronavirus came around, I feel like I’m closer to my friends and family. It’s kind of beautiful.
A: You may have already died. Sorry.
*The term “the best” is subjective and also can apply as a description of people who are “the best” at getting drunk, for instance, which is also subjective, but we’re pretty sure we are.
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