The reviews are in and the Intergalactic Business Report’s coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic is considered by most people on the planet as the most authoritative and accurate account of what the disease is, how it spreads, and what you should do to protect yourself.
Today we reveal that many acts of sex have been cancelled by the Coronavirus. But not all. We give you alternatives and options. You’re welcome.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: The wheelbarrow position.
WHY: In order to have sex like this, one person has to touch the bacteria-covered ground with both hands. Also, the person doing the boning must use both hands to balance themselves, thus leaving it impossible to cough into their elbows.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Disinfect and clean a real wheelbarrow. Drill a small (or large) hole in the area just under the handles. Have sex with that instead.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Fruit sex.
WHY: The Coronavirus might live on fruit so when you have sex with a watermelon or orange it’s like banging a leper who’s just doing it for the money.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Sex with bagels is considered safer at this point. But we’d advise still being cautious. Maybe only use two at a time.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blow jobs.
WHY: They say don’t touch your face during the Coronavirus spread. This sex act involves so much more. Like a penis in your mouth. Maybe you get slapped in the face with it too. Who knows?
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Binge watch Judge Judy. No way you want to suck a dick after that.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Anal.
WHY: Butts contain butt bacteria. Eww.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: If it’s that important to you to have butt sex, then no quarantine’s going to stop you. So, go ahead, we guess.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Circle jerks.
WHY: This extremely popular East Coast ritual has obvious proximity issues.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Virtual circle jerks on Zoom and skype. But you were probably doing that anyway.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: Blumpkins.
WHY: If you need to ask, you probably don’t know what a blumpkin is.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Watch t.v. or something. Seriously. Do anything. Wash your fucking car.
CANCELLED SEX ACT: 69.
WHY: The epitome of getting too close to someone else.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: 68. It’s where you come before 69.
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