Earth day 2022 proves that science is more true today than at any other time in human history. By Ed Mountaineer.
If the past few years have proven anything, it’s that science is truer now than at any other time in human history. Skeptics will say it is impossible to measure this truth compared to times when the truth wasn’t measured, say, a million year ago, when our planet was but a blip of blue light in space, gasping for air and asking the universe to please, please, please make me whole.
But that’s history, both literally and figuratively, and thus begins my column for Earth Day 2022. Because of past articles I’ve written that have been described as obsessive, stalkerish, and mentally inept, I challenged the Intergalactic Business Report to allow me to write a scientific, intellectual treatise that would stand up against the very best magazine writing in the world. This is it.
Remember, that unlike other “good” writers, I’m able to do this while holding my penis like a gun. Segue. We are all holding our penis like a gun and pointing it at Mother Nature and she’s like, put that down, we can talk about this, and we’re like, no, give me your purse. The question is, what’s in that purse? How much do we want before it’s enough?
This is a brilliant analogy. Thank you. The one flaw is that it has to do with a penis and some people don’t have one. However, if you have a vagina, you are, scientifically, able to shoot ping pong balls at people with it. So, let me re-write that analogy a little and say that we are all holding our vagina like a ping pong shooter and pointing it at Mother Nature and whatever I said after that.
I’ve been criticized for my obsession with Ryan Reynolds, but I did not mention him once, except to say I didn’t mention him. I also didn’t mention having sex with funnel cakes so hate on that, haters.
I’m done writing now. Good bye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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