Ed Mountaineer adds to the twitter feud between Gerard Butler and Ryan Reynolds by telling our readers why he doesn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies. The reasons may astound you.
(From Ed Mountaineer)
I know a lot of people know me because of my relationships with celebrities and in the past year I’ve received a lot of criticism for my views on Ryan Reynolds. One reader made the claim that I was “hanging from Ryan's balls,” which is impossible because he has none. Burned.
I could end the article with that and the editor in my mind is screaming at me right now to do just that and walk away with a sick victory over Reynolds and all he represents, including airplane- themed alcohol (let’s drink and then fly a plane, bros!) and phones for poor people that trick them into thinking they’re going to have better breath (wrong!).
If you added up all the nonsense I’ve put up with from Reynolds it would total a number scientists haven’t invented yet because they would be like, “Why even have a number that high? That’s stupid.” Apparently they’ve never met Ryan Reynolds.
Anyway, when Gerard Butler came out to say he didn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies, Reynolds shot back by promoting charities about democracy and civil liberties and racial justice or something. Huh? Maybe he should start a new charity to help all the people who tried to eat one of his phones because their breath was so bad? Or one for all the pilots who crashed planes after getting drunk on his booze? I don’t know, Ryan… Just thinking out loud.
I promised the Intergalactic Business Report I would tell you why I, like Gerard, don’t watch movies by Ryan Reynolds and it might not be for the reasons you think. Here they are:
1. I don’t own a t.v. They took it away from me and don’t get me started on who “they” is. The point really is, how am I supposed to watch movies if I don’t have anything to watch them on?
2. I am banned from most movie theaters. This is a known fact and probably the reason Reynolds likes to have so many of his movies play in them.
3. I am not able to “see” Ryan Reynolds. My brain is trained to immediately shut down images of Reynolds so that I never have to look at him. Yes, this means I would probably lose in a fight against him because he would essentially be invisible and could sneak around and punch me. If that makes you feel like a big man, Ryan, go ahead and take a swing.
4. If I were able to get into a Ryan Reynolds movie without being detained or arrested, I would probably need to take a dump right at that moment and be in the bathroom for the next thirty minutes and when I was done I’d wander into basically any other movie and watch that instead, even if it was about a family coming together for Christmas or Thanksgiving and they have to deal with a tragedy from the past.
5. I did see a Ryan Reynolds movie once. Before I smartly made my pledge to never again see a Ryan Reynolds movie, I did see one and didn’t understand who I was watching. I asked myself, “Who is this approachable, funny, and charismatic actor who makes me want to watch more?” But that was Albert Brooks.
6. My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynold’s. I just needed to say that. I almost typed, “My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynolds.”
7. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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