Ever wonder what celebrities do on Valentine’s Day? Columnist Cedric Bigglestone reveals what his most hated famous people are doing February 14.
If you know anything about me it’s probably that I have an extreme hatred for certain celebrities. Contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t mean I’m a “stalker” or have an “unhealthy obsession” with famous people, or that I “pose a danger” to them, as many Fan Club presidents, teenage mall girls I’ve spoken to, and members of the law enforcement community have falsely proclaimed.
Instead, my dislike for some celebrities is rooted in a rational, almost Jesus-like wisdom that only extremely intelligent and worldly people can understand. O.K. Got that out of the way. Now I’m going to tell you what my least favorite celebrities are probably doing today, Valentine’s Day, 2021.
Yelling at his dog trainer for not getting his animal to learn tricks fast enough and then trying to act cool when someone enters the room and immediately starts to doubt that he’s perfect, and that person is right.
Working out with kettle bells or something and then someone enters the room and sees that he’s not actually working that hard and that it’s all an act and that he doesn’t even take his shirt off anymore so why’s he even pretending? Mark thinks about silencing the interloper because he feels he should be allowed to do things like that because he’s like a prince or something from one of those foreign countries where they can kill people and nobody does anything about it. But then he remembers he’s in America so fuck him. The law will rain down upon his ass if he does shit to that person.
Calling Luiz Guzman to tell him he loves him but not in a gay way and not because they’re both Hispanic, but because they’re just both cool and bros and like and respect each other as men. Then he hangs up and calls Ryan Reynolds who won’t answer his calls because Mario’s not considered “cool enough” (actual quote) even though he switched to Mint Mobile hoping Ryan would pick up. Turns out he doesn’t care. Fuck Ryan Reynolds.
Jumps on a group call with Luiz and Mario to talk about how big of a fucking dick Ryan Reynolds is. They all totally agree that he’s a dick but each of them have specific details about why. They discuss those.
Chad Michael Murray.
Big plans with his wife tonight. But also has that stupid fucking middle name. Time to get rid of it? Guess not. Because he’s had it for like thirty years. So stupid. Lose it. Professional advice.
Ryan Reynold’s dog.
Didn’t learn tricks fast enough so now is out of favor with King Dickhead the First. Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.
Not caring at all about Ryan Reynolds or Mark Wahlberg. Just getting laid constantly today with random women who show up at my apartment or van. So sweet! I don’t need friends who don’t call me back or run away when I find them. Uh oh, is someone knocking on my van? Must be another groupie. Nope. It’s a cop. Must have found my letters to Ryan Reynolds. Guess I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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