In a new Intergalactic Business Report study* remarkable insights about world geography have come to light.
Although the study is thousands of pages, we’ve pulled out a few major findings that we found most news worthy.
1. England, which some natives for years believed was a just a tiny country in the southern part of that odd-shaped island north of Europe, is actually much larger, although still very small compared to the United States. England, in fact, comprises anything you find on that island, including areas formerly referred to as “Scotland” and “Wales” in ancient times.
2. The study mentions that people who still consider themselves Welsh or Scottish should not be resentful about this, because it is now an established geographic fact that they are in fact English.
3. The United States is really just part of Texas. And all Americans should be comfortable referring to themselves as Texans.
*Someone typed this into a computer.
For years, the porn industry has offered adult versions of our favorite movies (see: The Load Warrior, Bright Lights Big Titties, Riding Miss Daisy, and Harry Pooter). But during a new massive big data film study, the Intergalactic Business Report has discovered a library of major motion pictures which are “pornodromes.”
A pornodrome is a movie whose title is also it’s porn version title. Today, we unveil 17 pornodromes from our vault of data:
Ever since the English adopted our language, Americans have wanted to cross the ocean to visit their quaint land filled with the people who became the model for hobbits. Before you make your next trip to the land of redcoats and Cadbury eggs, remember these 14 tips.
1. The words British, English, Welsh, and Scottish all basically mean the same thing. So don’t get caught up in distinguishing between these terms. Most people in England don’t care and have given up on such distinctions.
2. Endear yourself to Brits by calling them “Governor.” This is considered a deep sign of respect and recalls a favorite English movie called “Mary Poppins” in which Dick Van Dyke plays an Englishman so well that most of them to this day believe he is one of them.
3. They call it "soccer" now too. You may have heard that the English call soccer “football,” and while a few older types may still use this archaic term, most people have adopted the American name for the game and consider it much cooler and more descriptive.
4. Most Brits aren’t diehard fans of their soccer teams and watch more as an excuse to drink or get away from spouses. Unlike Americans, their loyalty to a club is much more arbitrary and immature. So, if someone asks you what team you “support” (the British word for “jock strap”) just say whatever one has the jersey that matches your outfit on a particular day. Again, soccer is more about fashion in the U.K. so they’ll appreciate this sentiment.
5. To “bugger” someone translates roughly into “getting to know” someone in American English. So, if you meet someone who seems interesting, simply say, “you know, I’d like to bugger you.”
6. Englishmen cannot hold their liquor well compared to Americans. Be aware of this if you ever visit one of their “pubs” which are essentially old timey theme bars that close early. If you’d like to be a little mischievous, challenge one of the “blokes” (English slang for fat, bloated men) to a drinking contest. They’ll probably cower in fear when they see a superior American drinking machine like you, but if they actually accept an alcoholic duel, it will only last a few minutes till they vomit after putting one back a bit too fast.
7. Fit in by trying a “cockney” (English for having a huge dick, or cock) accent. Just watch the aforementioned Mary Poppins and basically say whatever Dick Van Dyke does. Most English people will perk up immediately and take you in as one of their own.
8. Pass out American money to show your generosity. Go anywhere, to one of the “pubs” perhaps, and whip out a roll of hard American cash. Even a few dollars will go a long way as the English have an inferiority complex about their own currency (known as the “squid,” after sea creatures who used to eat British sailors.) Throw your money on the bar or the floor and watch as Englishmen scurry to collect it and thank you profusely as if you are some kind of idol or god.
9. As always, hand out small American flags and watch the Brits’ eyes light up as they greedily collect them. The U.S. flag, which the British based their own flag on, is very popular in their country and in some areas you may even see them proudly displayed on homes.
10. McDonald’s coupons serve as currency in England, so don’t forget any you have. If you ever find yourself in a tough situation with any officials or police, just pull them out and use them as bribes. Your problem will disappear almost as fast as the corrupt bureaucrats run to the nearest McDonald’s to cash in on their bounty.
11. Always remember that you are representing your country and try to overlook any of the deficiencies you may see in English culture. Just smile and walk on when, for instance, someone accosts you to ask if you’re a “yank” (British slang for someone they’d like to jerk off) and request an autograph or selfie.
12. The Brits don’t carry guns like we do, so you should win any firefight easily. This doesn’t mean you should challenge them to duels or shoot outs, however. These are generally frowned upon because the English prefer oil wrestling (see below) to settle their differences.
13. If you are ever challenged to an oil wrestling match, say no.* This is an attempt by the British to get you naked in a pool of oil so they can have their way with you in front of a crowd while one of their cronies films it all.
14. “Bangers and Mash” is the British version of the television show “Cagney and Lacey.”
*Unless you’re into that kind of thing.
In the 1980s there was always one guy who didn’t wear a shirt. At all. Like Tarzan, or someone who got lost after a shirts versus skins game, he inevitably appeared, wandering around social events, your back yard, or even outside a tour bus, as seen in the beginning of this classic Whodini video.
Who is this guy and why is he so jacked to be there? Again, we need to bring this back.
Just to be clear, we are not talking about guys hanging around, jersey shore style or the dickheads who go to Chicago Cubs games. We’re talking about people just showing up, out of nowhere, with no shirt on, as if that were just their choice for a shirt that day – no shirt.
To be more clear, this is not a case where a guy shows up somewhere and then takes off his shirt. Our guy doesn't have a shirt with him that he can throw on at any time. He’s not at the beach. He’s not posing for a skanky Tinder profile. He left the house without wearing a shirt. He left and said to himself, “Yeah, this is fine. What I’m wearing is good.” Then he showed up somewhere.
Germany has a reputation for uptight people who also perpetually drink beer, which kind of doesn’t make sense… Until you get there and see all those up tight drunk people. Navigating this awkward culture takes skill and discipline so the Intergalactic Business Report breaks down the secrets to communicating with Germans so that they basically fall in love with you instantly.
1. When you enter a store, simply raise your hand and say “Heil Hitler.” Yes, we understand this could be considered a Nazi salute… If it were 1945! Nowadays, most Germans say this as a light-hearted joke or have completely forgotten its original meaning as a way to praise the Fuhrer and all of his racist, world-taking over stuff.
2. Cut in line. Germans respect decisiveness and confidence, and what says this more than jumping ahead of a bunch of them while they wait patiently (and weakly) for food, a train, a museum, or really anything?
3. Ask if they have any American beer. Then, when they say no, just tell them, “well, I can’t drink this German crap.” Group laughter will fill the room, biergarten, and your heart immediately.
4. Pretend you understand their language, and then say “Geshundheit” in response to anything they say.
5. When you go to a grocery store, Germans will test you at the checkout counter by not bagging your groceries. To win this challenge, simply stare at the clerk and say: “Bag this shit for me. Now!”
6. If you’re in Bavaria and see someone wearing Lederhosen, challenge him to a beer drinking contest. Bet a large amount of cash that he can’t keep up with you and then go on and on about how you’re American and can drink more than anyone and blah blah blah. If a crowd starts to gather, it just means that they love the U.S. and want to support you.
7. Do the “Schnitzel Face.” Just order schnitzel at any restaurant. When it arrives, cut holes in it for your eyes and mouth and wear it on your face. Stand up and announce: “Ich bin der Schnitzel face!” and the owner will have to give you your meal for free.
8. Hand out U.S.A flags. Germans love the United States and if they see you coming, they’ll probably ask for a souvenir. Since it’s difficult to carry around huge Uncle Sam hats and tee-shirts that say “America,” just carry around a bunch of little flags. Watch their faces glow with delight as you shove them into their hands.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.