 Oh. My. God. There’s a movie on Netflix that’s ending soon. And. You. Didn’t. See. It. Don’t worry though. The Intergalactic Business Report will tell you about it so you can tune in immediately and not miss out on something that could change the way your brain works while you shift your butt cheeks on your couch.
But instead of just telling you what this movie is, we want to explain why it’s so great. Why it’s so great. This film is so great because it’s the kind of movie where you watch it and it brings you feelings about it and then you’re like, “Wow, I’m glad I watched that before Netflix took it away from me.” Why you NEED to watch it NOW. You need to watch it right now because Netflix is going to pull it off their service in a matter of days. Even though watching this movie is one of the greatest things you could do in your fucking life, Netflix is going to take it the fuck away from you. Why would Netflix fucking do that? Why indeed? Why the fuck would Netflix want you to suffer when it clearly has the most awesome movie ever just sitting there for you to see? Is it because Netflix is evil or something? Are they trying to punish us? So, Netflix is punishing us? Yes. They decided that if they offered a movie this great and your dumb ass didn’t watch it, then they were going to take it away, probably forever, just to make you feel like shit for not spending your time watching it. What happens if you don’t watch it? Then Netflix wins? And you suck? Those should have been statements and not questions. Why are you sitting there when you could watch this movie? Because we didn’t tell you what it is? Read below. You don’t get to know what it is because… Because you should be more responsible for your Netflix queue. Why the fuck don’t you already know what movie it is? You should. You totally should. Because it’s the best fucking movie ever. And it’s leaving. Soon. Like in a couple days. Figure it out. Jesus.  A horrified reader reacts. An otherwise normal day turned to terror for several IBR readers who took the time to read an article we put on the internet. Ed Mountaineer’s essay about Ryan Reynolds inspired several Facebook intellectuals to consider what they had subjected themselves to and then to take the time to post comments expressing their rage about having read something so shitty and weird and garbagy.
Below are some of their horrified reactions: “That was a shit read…” “What a fucking empty garbage article…” “Ed Mountaineer is now on the list of authors I will never read again.” “So dumb. Not funny.” “Weirdly bad…” As the shock of reading an online article by something called the Intergalactic Business Report which features a cartoon drawing of Ryan Reynolds set in, some readers tried to make sense of the catastrophe they were experiencing. “I think it’s satire… Weird…” was one theory. “Who the fuck is Ed Mountaineer?” someone else questioned. Soon, a more compelling explanation arose—that Ed Mountaineer’s article was not, in fact, just a fucking empty garbage article, but a last gasp, strategic effort to find purpose and meaning in his life through an overtly sexual acrobatic act involving Reynolds’ testicles. This theory stated, eloquently, that Ed’s writing was: “A desperate attempt at trying to be relevant swinging from Ryan’s* balls…” Finally, a bond among the exasperated men of letters began to form as one of them wrote: “I’m glad not to be the only one that thought this…” Our editors are thankful he was not alone in thinking this because he may have gone mad believing he was the only one anywhere who thought Ed’s writing sucks. If Ed’s work went on to win major literary prizes, this man would have to wonder if anyone else in the universe could see what he does—that an internet article about a guy who hates Ryan Reynolds mainly because Ryan Reynolds won’t give him access to his location so he can stalk him, is just a pretty bad stupid garbage weird idea without a lot of intellectual or artistic merit. We can only hope there is some closure for the brave souls who have the courage to post their thoughtful critiques and defend the honor of celebrities who are wronged or misrepresented by dumb shit garbage on the internet. *You only call Ryan Reynolds “Ryan” if you are a personal friend, which this reader obviously is, making his anger even deeper at Ed’s flagrant attempt to attach himself to Reynolds’ celebrity nuts.  "Shower to table" food is coming to your house soon. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report focuses on home design and finds the hottest new developments. Below, check out what celebrities, fashionistas, and that dude who licks his lips when he sees you taking out the garbage, are doing in their houses.
DESIGN TREND: Shower chicken. THE CONCEPT: Rotisserie chicken is one of the best-selling items in your grocery store, but what if you could do it yourself, while taking a shower? That’s the idea behind shower chicken rotisserie grills, which allow users to soap up and rinse while a nearby chicken spins on a spit grill. DRAWBACKS: The chicken takes four hours to cook and if you shower the entire time your dick will be shriveled. Also, the chicken spews hot juice often and an Iowa man died of salmonella poisoning when he couldn’t wait to eat his bird. DESIGN TREND: Hobo chic furniture. THE CONCEPT: Any furniture instantly becomes “Hobo chic” if a live hobo sits upon it. DRAWBACKS: Getting the hobo to leave your house. DESIGN TREND: Refrigerator magnets of more successful families. THE CONCEPT: Your family might be all right (although who are you kidding?), but why not aspire to be better? DRAWBACKS: Lawsuits and charges pressed by the families you stole the magnets from. DESIGN TREND: “Suicide”doors. THE CONCEPT: Built into the upper levels of some homes are doors that lead nowhere, except to a fairly certain death. Use these when you want to say fuck it and walk away from everything… forever. DRAWBACKS: Most people don’t use the doors, but just constantly threaten they will. As in: “I’m done! I’m walking out the suicide door. You don’t think I’ll do it? Really? Maybe that’s because you never believed in me! No! Don’t tell me you’ve always believed in me! You’re lying… You’re lying… wahhhh… wahhhh….” (that’s crying). DESIGN TREND: Distressed wood that leaves splinters in your ass and tetanus. THE CONCEPT: Old, crappy looking, weathered furniture is taken to a new level when instead of just looking awful, it’s also dangerous. Rusty nails protrude, and you get the authentic experience of sitting in a cabin that belonged to a prospector in the 1850’s and was buried in an avalanche but then thawed a hundred and seventy years later and you walked in. DRAWBACKS: You need a human skeleton to complete the look. DESIGN TREND: Vegan taxidermy. THE CONCEPT: You want to have dead, stuffed animals all over your home, but you’re against killing animals. This design trend features non-realistic looking creatures that don’t resemble actual human prey, because someone might get the wrong idea. DRAWBACKS: Guests often wonder why you have all those disturbing, crappy looking plastic toys all over your house. The one mounted over your fireplace looks exactly like a human, which is fine with you, as long as it doesn’t look like a fish or a deer head. |
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