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Like any huge fan of Game of Thrones, I waited freakishly for the premiere of the new HBO prequel, House of the Dragon. SPOILER ALERT: When it finally aired, I sat in my own crudely crafted throne made of a lawn chair and butter knives I have borrowed from friends and family over the years, waiting patiently for the moment at which they at last enter my dwelling to see the perverse masterpiece I have constructed from the instruments of their gluttony. I know, it’s all a little much, but as I mentioned, I’m a huge fan.
SPOILER ALERT: What many less huge fans may have missed in the opening of the House of Dragon saga, is a secret conveyed to only the most perspicacious of viewers. SPOILER ALERT! I’m going to reveal it in a second, so if you want to figure it out for yourself, stop reading now and go back and watch again. SPOILER ALERT to bookend the spoiler alerts. Don’t say you weren’t warned. One more SPOILER ALERT: the first episode of House of the Dragon was on last night. Not sure if I shared that information yet. That’s not the secret though. During the premiere, there are many new characters introduced, including SPOILER ALERT Daemon Targaryen, his younger brother Lyle Targaryen, and Princess Rhaenyra Targaryen. Daemon and Rhaenyra both have strong claims to the throne of Westeros, but it looks like they will have to battle it out after Rhaenyra’s father, King Viserys, dies of monkey pox (that’s next episode, I’m guessing). Lyle, on the other hand, is not even fucking considered for the rulership. And why? Because he’s a secret character revealed only to astute viewers like me, and now you, because of me telling you. Lyle is so much better than his older brother and niece and is smart too. For instance, instead of waiting to sit on the “Iron Throne,” he makes his own out of a lawn chair and butter knives he stole from weaker members of the realm who doubted his reasons for being in their kitchens. Many of Lyles scenes were cut from the episode, making it harder to notice him and it’s rumored that SPOILER ALERT he may have been cut out of the series altogether, making his secret presence even more secret, and, by order of the ancient scrolls, more powerful. SPOILER FUCKING ALERT. Open your eyes. Just open your fucking eyes. For once. See him standing there. Jesus. Lyle didn’t go to college and people make a big deal out of that. But it’s not like there even is a college in Westeros because if there were people would be showing up to Disney World wearing dumb shit like “University of Westeros” shirts with a stupid dragon on it. Have you seen that yet? SPOILER ALERT. You haven’t. Lyle also has a SPOILER ALERT huge dick. Bet you didn’t know that. Maybe if you’d gone to fake college with him, you would. Like you’d find out at a party where you were both in the bathroom and you looked over and said, “Woah, that’s a huge dick” and he was like, “Oh, I didn’t mean for you to see that” but when he turned to speak to you he accidentally swatted you with his penis and you fell down. After I write an article I get a lot of mail from people complaining about how I haven’t paid my electric bill and other things. I’m sure I’ll get more of that following this entry, but I hope you and other readers will at least consider that the message I’m bringing you is not that you are dumb for not being able to see Lyle Targaryen, but that you just need to open open your eyes and there he’ll be, in every scene, looking back at you and winking, and sometimes even whispering stuff that drowns out the dialogue and makes you ask, “You want me to kill who?” And, if Lyle Targaryen can get me to listen, then maybe he can get you to too. SPOILER ALERT. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. Chris Pratt’s “The Terminal List” features so much revenge that viewers may now be in danger of Pratt killing them for their involvement in watching the series. The Intergalactic Business Report’s entertainment team has uncovered an exclusive preview of season two, in which Pratt expands his kill list to a new level. We share with you some highlights of what happens next.
Pratt kills the director. By the season one finale, Pratt had murdered everyone imaginable, and seemed sated for the moment, but his blood lust is not quenched yet as he turns and kills the cameraman, and, shortly after, the director, both guilty of just sitting there while Pratt’s family was killed. Pratt kills the writer. The twisted man who wrote the series is killed next. This piece of shit not only came up with the idea of Pratt’s whole family getting annihilated, but then wrote it down and sold it to the piece of shit producers and money men who green lit it. Pratt kills all the producers. The motherfuckers who put up the money and clout for the spectacle of Pratt’s family being killed are all viciously murdered by Pratt. He even chases down the “executive producers” whatever the fuck they are. Pratt kills all the viewers. How could they…? How could you just sit there and watch as Pratt’s family was murdered? Pratt kills the critics who said the series was good and that people should watch. These miscreants actually encouraged others to watch as Pratt’s family was killed. Unlike Pratt, they could watch the entire series, knowing the end and who did what, and they never told him. They clearly deserve to die. Pratt kills the ancestors of Auguste and Louis Lumiere. These dirty bastards whose great great great grandparents (or something like that) were the forebears to the modern movie camera, are also put down for their role in inventing something that would later film Pratt’s dead family. Much of this episode consists of people saying, “What the fuck? You want to kill me why?” and then Pratt holding his head in pain before he executes them. Pratt goes back to 50 BC to kill Seneca. Using a time machine invented by his brain, Pratt travels to ancient Rome to destroy the originator of the revenge story, without whom the entire tale of Pratt getting revenge for the death of his family would not exist. Seneca says some stuff in Latin and Pratt doesn’t understand. Then he kills him. |
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