“Virgin River” character wins IBR Genius Award for his “Friendzone with Benefits” strategy.12/29/2020  Somewhere that kind of looks like Virgin River, wherever that is. As a publication that publishes things we write, the Intergalactic Business Report is also able to create and administer awards for anything it deems worthy. In this spirit, we announce our first Genius Award, which goes to a fictional character played by Martin Henderson on the Netflix show, “Virgin River.”
SHOW BACKGROUND: Henderson’s character, Jack Sheridan, is a semi-alcoholic ex-marine who runs a bar in the Northern California hamlet of Virgin River. Jack spends his days drinking and his nights porking hair stylist Charmaine Roberts, in a brilliantly devised “casual” relationship in which Jack shows up for booty calls and stares through her when she suggests she has feelings for him. Enter hot nurse practitioner Melinda Monroe, who spends much of her time explaining what a nurse practitioner is. Melinda, known by her male version name of “Mel,” is coerced into serving out a term in the village by snarky horrible human being and mayor Hope McCrea. (On a side note, Hope’s estranged husband is the town doctor and Mel’s boss, played by Animal House’s Otter. He came in a close second for his ability to convince Hope and other women in the town that he’s just a grumpy old doctor and not a sex fiend, but they don’t understand that he’s actually Otter from Animal House and he’s playing 3D chess with their vaginas). Anyway… Mel meets Jack. They have an instant connection. Mel isn’t ready for a relationship, so she just has intermittent casual sex with Jack, who, as a genius manipulator, keeps himself in the friendzone with benefits. HOW JACK DOES IT: Jack has impressive eyes. They make him look really serious, as if he’s listening to your every word. In reality, he’s probably just drunk and forgotten what came out of your mouth three seconds ago, but he keeps quiet long enough that you have no idea. Using his eyes as an anchor, Jack captures Mel’s attention. He then moves on to grooming her for his ultimate plan. He starts with offering her rides everywhere during which he listens to Mel whine about her life as he pretends to listen. He tests her boundaries by taking her to a creepy baseball batting cage he’s constructed in the middle of the forest. Finally, he fixes up Mel’s crappy cabin into a “love shack” where he can show up any time, unannounced, and see if she’ll bone him. HOW JACK’S FRIENDZONE WITH BENEFITS WORKS: For Jack to successfully keep Mel in check, he consistently overplays his devotion to her. This includes constantly asking her if she can deny she has feelings for him and pretending he wants more, even though he never goes into detail (smart, Jack. Very smart). He never, for instance, asks her to marry him. He never even suggests they move in together. He never gives her jewelry or a ring or any keepsake that could be tied back to him. Every time he pushes, Mel retracts and suggests they stay as “friends.” Jack acts hurt but actually revels in this because he knows as soon as she utters the word “friends” she will soon have non-commitment sex with him. After one such encounter, Mel awakens to tell Jack she is sorry she let things go too far—meaning having sex with him. He gleefully consents to going back to being “friends.” Genius. JACK SHERIDAN. LIVING THE LIFE. Just to put the rest of Jack’s life in context, we feel we should mention some other things he has going for him. -He owns a bar. It’s always packed. -He drinks whenever he wants. It’s free. -He has a super responsible friend named Preacher who does all the shit work for him. -Jack is a total dick to Preacher, expecting him to never leave the bar so that Jack can tool around town offering rides to Mel and fixing shit for her to gain her trust. -Jack gets Charmaine pregnant with twins and confines her to a “Misery” style existence in evil Hope’s house, while he pursues Mel. -Jack can probably kick anyone’s ass. Don’t test him. -Jack’s entire day is free. He can be anywhere at any time and if he shows up somewhere and doesn’t want to be there, he can make up some bullshit about how he needs to “get back to the bar.” -When Jack does show up at the bar it’s to pour himself a drink, flirt with or mindfuck Mel, or to sit in his pretend office and shuffle through papers until Preacher comes in and says he can take care of that for him, probably because Jack doesn’t even understand what’s on the papers and what it means. -The hair. Nobody has hair like that. Editor’s note: We’re only about half-way through Season Two. Don’t write us with a bunch of bullshit that will ruin it for us.  We're not a charity, but we do have causes, like this... Recently, philanthropist Mackenzie Scott has given away billions to low-profile charities throughout the country. Many of these organizations were shocked to receive the money because they couldn’t believe that a person of Scott’s profile and wealth would regard them as worthy.
Although the Intergalactic Business Report is not a charity, it does take on causes that change lives and the world for the better. We applaud Ms. Scott and respectfully request she consider funding the Intergalactic Business Report, the greatest source of information in the universe. Below, we summarize some of the causes we are most passionate about for her review: CAUSE: Give me five. PURPOSE: Funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs. CAUSE: Sharing isn’t caring. PURPOSE: We seek to end the barbaric practice of “family style” meals in restaurants where only the shit food is left for you to eat and there’s only one piece left of anything good and nobody wants to take the last portion so it just sits there. CAUSE: Lose your grip. PURPOSE: Organized universal movement to end handshaking not because of COVID but because it’s weird if you think about it. Also, there are people who don’t let go of your hand and they need to be stopped. CAUSE: End fake space fashion. PURPOSE: We work to finally stop people from being allowed to show up to work dressed like Star Wars characters, real or imagined. CAUSE: Public awareness campaign about a false vaccine. PURPOSE: This campaign centers around ending the myth generated by Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken, Maine that his penis can deliver a “hot beef injection” that gives recipients total immunity from COVID. CAUSE: Sit the bench. PURPOSE: This year, 8 million people will be denied spots on benches in public parks because statues of fake people occupy this space. We all should be able to “sit the bench.”  Sick of all the movies that are “killing it on Netflix”? Try these alternatives, brought to you by the Intergalactic Business Report. Some of them may be hard to find, but if you don’t want to watch the same old movies this year, check these out today.
MOVIE: “Sandpa.” PLOT: The titular “Sandpa” is actually Santa, as in “Santa” Claus. But no one can pronounce his name when he’s forcibly moved to a tropical island full of Elves banished from the North Pole for their speech impediments. SPOILER: They murder him. MOVIE: “Big piece of shit Christmas.” PLOT: Get ready for the tale of a boy in Italy who receives a giant piece of shit for Christmas. Who gave it to him and why? Delight in this foreign language film where the magic of the season is subdued by having to read subtitles while you wonder if the screaming Italian dude in the movie is actually saying what it says he said. SPOILER: His dad gave it to him. The “why” part is never explained but we think it’s an Italian thing that only they would comprehend. MOVIE: “A dark, dark Christmas.” PLOT: Mythical creature Hadifus Darkness plots to put the entire holiday season inside his enormous butt. Can he fit it? And how is it possible to put a season in a butt? SPOILER: Some children stop him. And there are a few disturbing scenes of them escaping his butt. MOVIE: “Christmas in my butt.” PLOT: Not to be confused with the plot of “A dark, dark Christmas,” this 80’s archival masterpiece features adult film star Jeff Turbo, who tries to see what yuletide items he can fit in his ass. SPOILER: Don’t watch the scene with the Yule log. When it gets to that part, just turn it off. Seriously. MOVIE: “My cousin the elf.” PLOT: Trading on the success of “My cousin Vinny,” this cinematic romp is the story of two boys arrested for murder as they drive through Alabama on their way back to college. Is it a case of mistaken identity? One of the boys calls his cousin, a Christmas elf, to represent them in court. SPOILER: The elf has no legal skills or background. And, unlike, Vinny, he doesn’t turn it around and suddenly get good at criminal law. The boys are executed and the elf sings a creepy version of “Silent Night,” as the dual electric chairs singe them. MOVIE: “The Christmas bargain.” PLOT: Box store manager Larry Fields decides he’s going to give away everything for free this year, in the spirit of Christmas. SPOILER: He’s fired. Turns out you’re not allowed to do that, unless you own the store, which Larry doesn’t.  The Intergalactic Business Report has a venerable history of serving the public through charitable work and public awareness efforts. In the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic, our editors noticed a movement born to stop people from performing handshakes. This became an opportunity for IBR to bring to light a serious issue that it has openly fought against for years: the practice of the “too long” handshake. To end this horrifying cultural abomination, we recommend that the handshake (even the shorter, less frightening ones) be banned altogether. Here are the facts about the “too long handshake” crisis in America and the world. FACT ONE: Before COVID-19, approximately 40 million people per day shook hands at least once in the United states. Of those 40 million, between 4 and 14 million performed what we call a “too long” handshake. FACT TWO: A “too long” handshake is an opportunity for a handshaking deviant to grasp your hand and hold it indefinitely, making you wonder if he will ever let go. Too long handshakers (or TLHs) exploit common social etiquette to serve their odd perversion and receive gratification from “capturing” your hand. FACT THREE: With the advent of the Coronavirus pandemic, handshaking numbers plummeted and remain relatively low. For now… TLHs, infuriated by health concerns that inadvertently cut off their supply of victims, began to offer their hands as a gesture of political unity or trust. When people fell for it, the TLHs would hold their hands for what seemed like an eternity. FACT FOUR: We all know the feeling of making the mistake of shaking someone’s hand and then seeing the crazy glint in his eyes as he watches you panic and try to retract your fingers from his icy grip. When this happens, you have unwittingly let yourself become a part of his sick perversion. FACT FIVE: People ask us if our efforts have to do with public health. Sure. If that stops you from shaking hands and giving too long handshakers a forum to abuse their fellow citizens. But in actuality, we just always thought shaking hands was creepy and want it ended today. FACT SIX: People who say stuff like, “How dare you tell me not to shake hands!” And, “Shaking hands is part of our culture! I won’t give that up!” are just trying to trick you into giving up your hand to them so they can hold it in ecstasy while you struggle to get free. FACT SEVEN: Please see our public service memes below:    |
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