 Talking. It’s what we do when our mouths open and we say things. But what happens when those things we say were first said by someone else? Is it plagiarizing? Luckily for most of us, humans have long understood that nothing they speak of is very original and that using clichés and “quoting” smarter people who died years ago is a perfectly acceptable way to communicate. Fast forward to right now and a new dilemma faces human talkers.
What if the “quote” you are using wasn’t actually said by the person you’re “quoting”? What if nobody ever said it and you’re just spewing gibberish? In an effort to save you from the piercing embarrassment of whatever that would be called, the Intergalactic Business Report identifies five famous quotes you may think were said by famous people but were, in fact, just made up by you. Does this make you original? Sure. FAMOUS QUOTE ONE: “I’d rather have a long penis than a short one with a lot of girth. Although many people would prefer the opposite.” WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Marcus Aurelius. WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You. FAMOUS QUOTE TWO: “Nobody ever leaves his wallet in the whorehouse unless he wants to go back there and find there’s no money left in his wallet because those whores stole all his money. I just want my ID and credit cards anyway, so if they take the cash, I guess it’s fine. Even if they charge some stuff on the cards that’s fine too. Just be reasonable.” WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Mark Twain. WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You. FAMOUS QUOTE THREE: “Arrghh… Give me that cucumber or I kill you….!” WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Sir Francis Bacon. WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You, at the grocery store every time you get near cucumbers. FAMOUS QUOTE FOUR: “It may be time for all men to see my poopy.” WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Cicero. WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You. FAMOUS QUOTE FIVE: “Touch my wiener and you will be transported directly to heaven.” WHO SUPPOSEDLY SAID IT: Zoroaster. WHO ACTUALLY SAID IT: You, pretending to be Zoroaster at that event where you thought you were supposed to portray a character, but it was actually just more of a brunch thing and some people brought their kids.  It probably needs to be pointed out that today’s world is very different than the 1980’s. In what can only be described as a major new academic study of history and culture, the Intergalactic Business Report offers its readers rare insights into the subtle social and anthropological shifts that have taken place over the past several decades.
Below are excerpts from the study, highlighting some of the most stunning cultural differences between our ages: Today, “He Man” would be a straight up gay porn instead of an overtly homerotic story of masculine men showing their muscles and fighting for justice. In the 80’s, If there was anything called “Fuck Boy Island” it would have been gay porn instead of an overtly homerotic story of masculine men showing their muscles and fighting for a woman they’d never talk to in real life. In today’s world, Mr. Whipple would have been arrested. And there’d be news footage of him being perp-walked out of the grocery store. In the 80’s, if there was a commercial about women taking dumps television would have just ended the day that aired. Condom “commercials” in the 80’s were the pictures on those bar bathroom vending machines that had French ticklers in them. In the 80’s, the “Handmaid’s Tale” t.v. show would have been called “Little House on the Prairie: a New Beginning.” In the 80’s, If someone posted a personal ad and said he was looking for a relationship and wanted to see a picture of you and you got in touch with him, you were murdered. Today, on dating apps, you not only get in contact, but you have sex with that dude. That night. You don’t get murdered usually though. In the 80’s, some pervs would wear raincoats to the park and then open them up so that horrified strangers could see their naked bodies. Women would run away, panicked, and the “flasher” would be sexually satisfied. Today, if guys did that, it would be a “lifestyle” choice and they’d say, “I’m a flasher,” and people would say, “Oh, that’s cool. My brother’s a flasher.” If a guy shaved his nuts in 1985, he would be psychologically evaluated. Today, if a guy doesn’t shave his nuts, he may be psychologically evaluated. Today, “Freedom Rock” would be a right-wing country music concert. |
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