“Big Humor” publication the Onion won’t accept ideas outside their inner circle and have a strict no submission policy. But what should writers at the Intergalactic Business Report do when they come up with goofy headlines we won’t use because that’s not our thing?
The answer: throw them in the virtual trash in a lame attempt to give them to humor icons like the Onion. Below, we list 20 or so headlines we came up with. And yes, most of them suck. And are dated. But they’re just sitting there, in our cyber trash, so…
1. Mind reader has no excuse when boss asks him why he didn’t do what he didn’t ask him to do.
2. Nazi time travelers confirm 23 and Me would have saved them a lot of time.
3. Man finally limbers up enough to felate himself. Finds out he hates felatio.
4. Jesus shows up at “come to Jesus” meeting. Says he doesn’t care Rhonda missed her deadline.
5. Eric B. and Rakim still working on master plan they started in 1987.
6. Blue Blockers infomercial shoot goes awry when Keith David refuses to wear them.
7. Slutty version of Alexa available soon.
8. Tainted ass sends six to hospital with E. coli.
9. Ohio State fraternity president graduates with Magna Cum Louder honor.
10. Eastern Canada named sluttiest region after being repeatedly slammed by Hurricane Dorian last year.
11. Man named “BJ” reveals real name is Buttfucker Jerkoff.
12. Wildlife sanctuary owner considers pay-per-view event where animal “best friends” kill each other.
13. Man who says, “Hey my friend” to people who aren’t his friends has actual friends questioning his loyalty.
14. Adult film industry stumped in coming up with porn titles for Pacific Rim franchise.
15. New sex robot so realistic it just wants to be friends.
16. Business dude impregnates trophy wife by making direct deposit into CD with 9-month maturity rate.
17. Discount strip clubs blamed for coin shortage.
18. Teacher chose teaching over being a doctor because he wanted to grow young minds and nobody anywhere would allow him to be a doctor.
19. In solidarity with BLM, country music group “the Klansmen” to be now known as “the men.”
20. In chilling rebuke of Biden inauguration, Trump releases Bigfoots from White House basement.
21. Man has “butt feeling” his hemorrhoids are back.
In a stunning move, columnist Ed Mountaineer has decided to leave the Intergalactic Business Report to write exclusively for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, a high-brow laugh-at-this-because-it-was-written-by-a-funny-college-professor-or-something online publication that has in no way invited Ed to join them.
Below, Ed describes his decision and how he wishes to become a more highly cultured writer, appreciated by a wider, more intellectual audience. We bid Ed farewell, whatever that means.
Why I’m leaving for McSweeney’s. By Ed Mountaineer.
First off, I want to thank everyone at the Intergalactic Business Report. You guys are great. Seriously. But there comes a time when a writer like me needs to move on and find a place more accepting of my original brand of expression. That place, I feel, is something called McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
I found McSweeney’s when I was trying to type something else into my computer. I was like, “What the fuck is this?” when I first saw their Web site. I added, “This has nothing to do with small men having sex with enormous women.” Instead of that, it was a lot of super smart, kind of funny stuff where you need to laugh because you’re at some dude’s house and he brought out some really expensive dishware and you’re eating off it and everyone else there is laughing so you better too.
I felt like that vibe was completely on for me. I read more. They had lists. I do lists. They had writing. I do writing. It seemed like such a perfect match, and I knew right then that I had to end my contract with the Intergalactic Business Report and start writing for McSweeney’s instead. So, McSweeney’s, I accept the position of head senior writer. Thank you and also you’re welcome at the same time.
Maybe first off we will get rid of the whole “Internet Tendency” thing because it sounds like an 80’s band if people used the internet back then. We can work on something new, like, “Home of Ed Mountaineer,” or, “No Lube Required,” which is even better, but you could also just combine the two. Anyway, we’ll work on it. I’m sure you’re pleased to see how much time I’ve already put into my new job. Get used to it!
Next up, there need to be more pictures. You know it. I know it. So know it. I’m thinking stuff with mighty animals but who knows? Like a wolf or bear but one who also commands an army or at least is wearing a helmet and can wield a sword. I’m not going all Narnia with this. My concept is different. So when I get there, if anyone says the word “Narnia,” I’ll freak. Just fair warning. Start getting used to some of my foibles and triggers. I have a few. O.K. I’ll list them, so you know:
Anyway… I’m grateful for the opportunity and can’t wait to get started. I guess I’ll just wait for instructions and dossiers on the other writers and stuff.
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ever tell a funny joke only no one thinks it’s funny? That could be because you’re dumb and the other people in the room are too intelligent to comprehend what you’re saying. In an attempt to build a bridge between the smart and unsmart, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 11 common jokes only dumb people will understand. If you get these, you’re dumb. If you don’t, be kind and laugh at them when a dumb person recites them.
JOKE ONE: “PFFFFFFT…. PFFFFFFFT…. PFFFFFTTTTT!”
JOKE TWO: “Turd…”
JOKE THREE: “Your mom is so ugly…”
JOKE FOUR: “Dog…”
JOKE FIVE: “My penis…”
JOKE SIX: “AHHHHHHHHHHH…”
JOKE SEVEN: “Poop…”
JOKE EIGHT: “Are you Hulk Hogan?”
JOKE NINE: “SCHNZZZZZZZ….”
JOKE TEN: “HEE HEE HEE HEE. LAUGH MOTHERFUCKER!”
JOKE ELEVEN: “Did you drop this?” WHACK! (Face slap needed for this one to work).
Aristotle is known as the “father of wisdom,” and his insights on philosophy, science, and fantasy football* have proved so timeless that we even talk about them today. When he spoke in the agora** he commanded respect and reverence, mostly because he used five tricks for public speaking that you can use too. Here they are:
1. When possible, offer to “blow” members of your audience. This will get them on your side and have them transfixed on what you’ll say next.
2. Periodically suggest you will pull out your penis to show the audience. It helps tremendously if you also say your phallus (that’s Greek for dong) is enormous and that they won’t believe how huge it is.
3. In case they didn’t understand what you meant when you said you would “blow” them, start saying you will “suck their dicks.”
4. Use phrases that connect with your audience. For instance, “Unhhhh!” and, “I will suck your motherfucking dicks!”
5. Show your butthole. But only if the first four aren’t working.
*It was called something else back then, we assume.
**Greek for “public restroom.”
Worse than Armie Hammer? Terrified girlfriends describe their relationship with celebrity James Charles Austin.
If you’ve kept up on the gossip surrounding actor Armie Hammer’s alleged cannibalism, you know just how fucked up celebrity relationships can be (allegedly). When we heard about the claims made about Hammer, the Intergalactic Business Report immediately thought of James Charles Austin, one of entertainment’s most notorious bad boys. He had to be worse than Armie Hammer, right?
After interviewing him and several of his exes, what we discovered did not disappoint, and solidified Austin’s reputation as the biggest piece of shit in Hollywood. Below, we excerpt the lowlights of what we experienced.
1. James Charles Austin is “a fucking liar,” and is “give me some fucking money, motherfucker.”
This is what one woman told us when we asked her if she had ever had sex with James Charles Austin. She added that she would suck our dick for money. Clearly, James Charles Austin had turned her into a broken woman and left her under a bridge, where we found her.
2. The scandals around James Charles Austin are so bad that he’s stopped making any movies or television shows.
Seriously. Try to find any. We couldn’t.
3. James Charles Austin is into violent sex fantasies where he beats up men in Target parking lots.
We found this out when we tried to interview him in a Target parking lot.
4. James Charles Austin gets super jittery when you bring up cannibalism, which indicates he’s a cannibal.
When you react the way James Charles Austin does when you approach him in a Target parking lot and accuse him of cannibalism, it’s probably because you’re a cannibal. Why else would you get so defensive and tell everybody to “fucking leave me alone,” and “who the fuck are you people?”
5. Former girlfriends all say James Charles Austin is “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. I will call the fucking cops.”
Almost all former lovers we interviewed said the same thing. Almost exactly.
6. James Charles Austin likes to assume an alter ego/alias of “Steve Risheski” as part of a dangerous sex game he plays in Target parking lots.
In this strange fetish, James Charles Austin pretends he’s someone called Steve Risheski and tells you to fuck off. Then you try to help him load his groceries into his car and he hits you and climaxes in his pants (we assume).
In a surprise move, the Intergalactic Business Report announced a brand new writing award and then announced a winner a few seconds later. The award, called the IBR Genius Prize for Writing, is similar to others the publication has revealed in recent months, including one for greatest human being on Earth, given to Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval, and another for the seduction strategies of fictional character Jack Sheridan on Netflix’s Virgin River.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, said the decision to award the prize came when he and his editorial staff came upon a writer who embodied everything his magazine is about.
“It’s not often we come across a talent so strong and so obvious that we need to immediately recognize his talent as a writer and thinker,” Latouffe explains.
The award carries a non-paid cash prize of zero dollars as well as a senior writing position with the Intergalactic Business Report (also unpaid). “It’s life-changing for the recipient,” Latouffe says.
But the Genius Prize winner presents a problem to the IBR staff. Since he was found in a stock photo they came across on the internet, they have no idea who he is. The mystery man, pictured holding his writing, has been given a temporary John Doe name of Sir Frodo Chillingsworth Langbottoms the Third by Latouffe’s editorial staff. “We just started calling him that,” Latouffe says, “Because it seemed easier than just calling him ‘that guy.’ Someone used that as a placeholder name and it just stuck.”
Will Sir Frodo accept the award? Latouffe doesn’t know, but he hopes the man will eventually reach out and accept a writing position with the publication. “He has everything it takes to be a major contributor at IBR,” Latouffe mentions. “I see him in the mold of Ed Mountaineer and Cedric Bigglestone, but even bigger. He has so much more to say.”
For now, the Intergalactic Business Report will have to admire Sir Frodo Chillingsworh Langbottoms the Third from afar and wait for him to contact them, primarily because Latouffe’s magazine “does not have the ‘organizational intelligence’ to track down a person from a stock photo.” Latouffe adds, “That’s detective shit.”
If you have any recommendations for future prizes the Intergalactic Business Report should award, contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.