Aristotle is known as the “father of wisdom,” and his insights on philosophy, science, and fantasy football* have proved so timeless that we even talk about them today. When he spoke in the agora** he commanded respect and reverence, mostly because he used five tricks for public speaking that you can use too. Here they are:
1. When possible, offer to “blow” members of your audience. This will get them on your side and have them transfixed on what you’ll say next.
2. Periodically suggest you will pull out your penis to show the audience. It helps tremendously if you also say your phallus (that’s Greek for dong) is enormous and that they won’t believe how huge it is.
3. In case they didn’t understand what you meant when you said you would “blow” them, start saying you will “suck their dicks.”
4. Use phrases that connect with your audience. For instance, “Unhhhh!” and, “I will suck your motherfucking dicks!”
5. Show your butthole. But only if the first four aren’t working.
*It was called something else back then, we assume.
**Greek for “public restroom.”
Worse than Armie Hammer? Terrified girlfriends describe their relationship with celebrity James Charles Austin.
If you’ve kept up on the gossip surrounding actor Armie Hammer’s alleged cannibalism, you know just how fucked up celebrity relationships can be (allegedly). When we heard about the claims made about Hammer, the Intergalactic Business Report immediately thought of James Charles Austin, one of entertainment’s most notorious bad boys. He had to be worse than Armie Hammer, right?
After interviewing him and several of his exes, what we discovered did not disappoint, and solidified Austin’s reputation as the biggest piece of shit in Hollywood. Below, we excerpt the lowlights of what we experienced.
1. James Charles Austin is “a fucking liar,” and is “give me some fucking money, motherfucker.”
This is what one woman told us when we asked her if she had ever had sex with James Charles Austin. She added that she would suck our dick for money. Clearly, James Charles Austin had turned her into a broken woman and left her under a bridge, where we found her.
2. The scandals around James Charles Austin are so bad that he’s stopped making any movies or television shows.
Seriously. Try to find any. We couldn’t.
3. James Charles Austin is into violent sex fantasies where he beats up men in Target parking lots.
We found this out when we tried to interview him in a Target parking lot.
4. James Charles Austin gets super jittery when you bring up cannibalism, which indicates he’s a cannibal.
When you react the way James Charles Austin does when you approach him in a Target parking lot and accuse him of cannibalism, it’s probably because you’re a cannibal. Why else would you get so defensive and tell everybody to “fucking leave me alone,” and “who the fuck are you people?”
5. Former girlfriends all say James Charles Austin is “Please leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you. I will call the fucking cops.”
Almost all former lovers we interviewed said the same thing. Almost exactly.
6. James Charles Austin likes to assume an alter ego/alias of “Steve Risheski” as part of a dangerous sex game he plays in Target parking lots.
In this strange fetish, James Charles Austin pretends he’s someone called Steve Risheski and tells you to fuck off. Then you try to help him load his groceries into his car and he hits you and climaxes in his pants (we assume).
In a surprise move, the Intergalactic Business Report announced a brand new writing award and then announced a winner a few seconds later. The award, called the IBR Genius Prize for Writing, is similar to others the publication has revealed in recent months, including one for greatest human being on Earth, given to Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval, and another for the seduction strategies of fictional character Jack Sheridan on Netflix’s Virgin River.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, said the decision to award the prize came when he and his editorial staff came upon a writer who embodied everything his magazine is about.
“It’s not often we come across a talent so strong and so obvious that we need to immediately recognize his talent as a writer and thinker,” Latouffe explains.
The award carries a non-paid cash prize of zero dollars as well as a senior writing position with the Intergalactic Business Report (also unpaid). “It’s life-changing for the recipient,” Latouffe says.
But the Genius Prize winner presents a problem to the IBR staff. Since he was found in a stock photo they came across on the internet, they have no idea who he is. The mystery man, pictured holding his writing, has been given a temporary John Doe name of Sir Frodo Chillingsworth Langbottoms the Third by Latouffe’s editorial staff. “We just started calling him that,” Latouffe says, “Because it seemed easier than just calling him ‘that guy.’ Someone used that as a placeholder name and it just stuck.”
Will Sir Frodo accept the award? Latouffe doesn’t know, but he hopes the man will eventually reach out and accept a writing position with the publication. “He has everything it takes to be a major contributor at IBR,” Latouffe mentions. “I see him in the mold of Ed Mountaineer and Cedric Bigglestone, but even bigger. He has so much more to say.”
For now, the Intergalactic Business Report will have to admire Sir Frodo Chillingsworh Langbottoms the Third from afar and wait for him to contact them, primarily because Latouffe’s magazine “does not have the ‘organizational intelligence’ to track down a person from a stock photo.” Latouffe adds, “That’s detective shit.”
If you have any recommendations for future prizes the Intergalactic Business Report should award, contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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