 The writers’ strike is hitting us hard—you could even say it’s pounding us mercilessly while we strangely beg for more—and even though there may be an end in sight, we won’t be able to walk straight when it’s over.
As major television shows are delayed and postponed and movie productions stall, an under-the-radar crisis of humanity is also taking place as the adult entertainment industry must contend with making porno content sans writers. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report goes balls deep to reveal how the strike is changing the smut Americans have taken for granted. 8 ways the writers’ strike is affecting the adult entertainment industry. 1. The upcoming film, “Nasty Girls European Adventure,” is now just “Nasty Girls Having Sex in a Nondescript Room with no Dialogue.” At least they're still nasty. 2. New porn star Rick Bonerstorm is now just “Man with penis.” And instead of saying stuff like, “Taste my sweet meat treat,” and “Here comes the D train!” he’ll just introduce himself with a polite handshake and kind of shrug. 3. Production of the streaming clip “Nerdy guy fucks hot chick,” is now just “guy has sex (with female)” and the plot is that two people have sex on a couch in a room that has no significance other than it has a couch. 4. No one can fake a British accent anymore. 5. The seven-minute monologue on “Thanatos and Eros” that was to be read by Harry Dick Stuffing was never completed and now there will be an awkward jump cut between the scene where he has sex with a skanky woman and the scene where he has sex with a skanky woman. 6. Penthouse forum is now just actual letters from real people who always thought the letters in Penthouse forum were fake until last weekend, when something crazy happened to them. 7. Boner Magazine has delayed part nine of its Climate Crisis Investigation series, that experts were hoping would reveal breakthrough guidance for securing the longevity of life on our planet. 8. Shakespearian porn, “MacBitch” will lose all connection to the original play except that it will have the prefix “Mac” in the title and is filmed inside a McDonald’s.  Inflation. War. Hollywood writers not getting paid enough money. These are the defining crises humanity faces today. As we stare at our televisions and can only watch reruns and reruns of reruns, society begins to understand just how important television and movie writers are in our lives. Without them, we are left to construct our own stories, dialogues, and thoughts, and that just, well, sucks.
In solidarity with paid writers who are part of a union we don’t belong to because nobody would pay for the crap we write, the Intergalactic Business Report looks at what we are losing without Hollywood writers in our lives. As long as they’re on strike, the world will be missing the locked-in creativity that brings us: 1. Characters who eagerly await something and then say, “Show time!” just before it happens. 2. Special forces, ex special forces, navy seals, former navy seals, and special forces characters who are so special they’re in every show and movie. 3. Complex characters who “would do anything to protect their families” and then threaten the mafia, throw away their guns, go home, and are surprised the mafia has kidnapped their family. 4. Male characters who are devastated that their wives cheated on them till they figure out it was their own fault for driving her away and then apologize because that’s what real people do. 5. Aliens who are bugs with no hands—just tentacles and shit—who are also able to construct spaceships and fly around the universe. 6. Incredibly obese mafia guys who no one is able to outrun. 7. Five-foot-three females who are able to defeat six-foot-three, athletic men by destroying them with a front kick to their chest. 8. Twenty-six-year-old New Yorkers who live in 2600 square foot lofts in Manhattan and are “writers.” 9. Characters who drive mint condition 1977 Ford Broncos. 10. Wooden bowl “artists” who live on a house boat in Sausalito (and, see above, drive a mint condition 1977 Ford Bronco). 11. Female characters who tell male characters that they “clean up nice” when they see them wearing a suit. 12. Zany best friend sidekicks who are caricatures of gay men and devote themselves to serving boring straight white women and say things like, “Girlfriend, you need a glass of wine and a man!” 13. Storylines where someone becomes “internet famous” and “goes viral.” 14. Most trusted confidante/best friend/business partner who is actually the bad guy/saboteur/killer. 15. Cool people who live in trailers. 16. Characters whose only purpose is to read the main character’s bio: “Harvard law… Top of your class… Graduated at 17 and joined the marines… 27 missions in Afghanistan… Five purple hearts… Fluent in six languages… How does someone like you end up driving an ice cream truck in upstate New York?” 17. Child characters who inexplicably wander away, complain, or give away hiding spots until you kind of wonder why their parents even love them. 18. Saucy rogues who are also pilots. 19. Racially diverse street gangs. 20. Period pieces where someone in the 1920’s says, “shit happens” or a 13th century Lord rewards a peasant for “thinking outside the box.” 21. Scenes of women drinking wine, pouring wine, talking about wine, handing each other glasses of wine, or receiving a glass of wine and saying, “you must have read my mind.” 22. Children who are the “most important thing in the world” to their police detective single parent, but then all but disappear in later episodes when they are with grandpa, a sitter, or just never talked about again. 23. Characters who explain scientific principles to another character who says, “I know all that. I’m a theoretical physicist,” and then you figure out they’re actually just explaining it to your dumb ass. 24. Two minute and forty-seven second sex scenes that you fast forward through because we have porn nowadays. 25. Zero body fat characters who meet each other and go somewhere to eat cheeseburgers and drink beer because they’re “real” people who don’t spend five hours a day in the gym and eat a grapefruit to stay alive. |
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