Whether you’re on the beach or curling up next to a fire, you’ll love our recommendations for CEO approved reading. This week we feature utopian novels that will challenge your senses while giving you hope for the future.
BOOK: Future in Red, by Bryan Dedrysdop.
PLOT: This book is about a future society in which top CEOs have been able to replace all human beings (except themselves, their offspring, and a few select, loyal servants) with robots. Efficiency is through the roof and the economy grows 46% every year, even though no one really cares because most people are robots. One day, though, evil CEO John Hammerstein decides to start breeding humans again. Hero Brett Thatcher tries to thwart Hammerstein’s plot, but it is too late. The humans have already formed trade unions and are calling in sick and taking vacation days to be with their families. In a desperate effort to save the world, Brett tries to pull of the biggest layoff in world history, making all the new human workers homeless and bringing the economy back. But Hammerstein’s army of humans is more sophisticated than Brett believed. They include lawyers and “human” rights activists who could throw Brett’s plan into turmoil. Will Brett succeed, or will Hammerstein prevail and throw the economy back to only growing at a rate of 5% a year?
BOOK: Amalga Corp for President, by the Amalga Corporation.
PLOT: This is the story of the first corporation to run for president of the United States of America. It wins and instead of a single president, the country is run by a CEO, President, and Board, which make decisions based not on emotions, but on what is going to make their corporation the most money.
BOOK: Adrian Buffont is a Little Bitch, by Tuno Stuffinheade.
PLOT: Gunnar Pendlestone has developed a secret algorithm that can lay off workers faster than anyone believed imaginable. With the touch of a button, a CEO can layoff as many people as he wants instantly and also take their homes and cars away from them, putting the proceeds in the company bank account. Meanwhile, evil lawyer Adrian Buffont complains like a bitch about the “legality” of Gunnar’s algorithm. Will Gunnar prevail and make his company the wealthiest in the world? Or will nasty Adrian destroy it all?
BOOK: The way it should be, by Otto Superdiik.
PLOT: In the future, CEOs have developed super powers for themselves. They live forever and can fly and see through things, especially the lies of their employees. Most of the book is just about how awesome the CEOs are and how they bust their workers when they try to plot against them to get higher wages. Also, there’s a lot of sex involving CEOs and beautiful women and men who have daddy issues and are attracted to power.
BOOK: Barons’ Return, by Yuro Mamito.
PLOT: Aliens conquer Earth and enslave all human beings. The problem is they’re really poorly organized, so they resurrect America’s robber barons to help them control the masses. Bad move, Aliens. By the end of the novel, the Aliens owe money to the robber barons, who made them sign a lopsided agreement that the high space court upholds, ruining their credit and making them default on loans they also stupidly took out from Cornelius Vanderbilt.
In business and in life, the words you use can leave an indelible impression on everyone you meet. And yet most of us say the same tired phrases, over and over, like a script we read when situations present themselves.
But when we read off that script, people judge us and we look lazy. Research shows that with a few minor tweaks, your talking game can make you sound precise, in charge, and aware. And that might get you a promotion, gain new friends, and even give you added confidence.
The Intergalactic Business Report outlines the common situations you face every day and gives you the tools to impress instead of stress. Drop your “go to” phrases, and do these instead.
SITUATION: Your boss asks if he can speak to you in his office.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “I don’t fuck people I work with.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: It’s possible your boss isn’t looking for sex.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “I probably won’t fuck you, Larry, so I’ll enter your office and shut the door behind me with the expectation that you won’t try to have sex with me.”
SITUATION: Someone is sitting near you on public transportation.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “I’ll suck your dick for a dollar.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Prices have gone way up in this category. If you offer to suck someone’s dick for money, make it at least five dollars. If you have a purty mouth, you may be able to go as high as eleven.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “I’ll suck your dick for between five and eleven dollars.”
SITUATION: You are walking down the street and someone asks you directions.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “Just go behind that tree and I’ll have sex with you there.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Sometimes people are just asking for directions—not sex.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “Maple street is three blocks from here. But my penis will be behind that tree in thirty-five seconds if that’s what you’re actually looking for.”
SITUATION: A telemarketer calls your phone and you answer.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “How am I supposed to suck your dick over the phone?”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Telemarketers are usually just trying to sell you stuff—not have sex with you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “It seems impractical for us to have sex with just our voices. Can we meet somewhere and have sex? Or are you calling from India?”
SITUATION: It’s a bachelorette party, you’re drunk, and a male stripper asks if you want a lap dance.
YOUR GO TO PHRASE: “What the fuck is a lap dance? Laps can’t dance.”
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT: Strippers always ask this question, and no one’s figured out what it means. You’re not going to be the first person to unravel this mystery.
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY INSTEAD: “Do you serve food? Or should I call Uber Eats?”
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