In a surprise move, the Intergalactic Business Report announced a brand new writing award and then announced a winner a few seconds later. The award, called the IBR Genius Prize for Writing, is similar to others the publication has revealed in recent months, including one for greatest human being on Earth, given to Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval, and another for the seduction strategies of fictional character Jack Sheridan on Netflix’s Virgin River.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, said the decision to award the prize came when he and his editorial staff came upon a writer who embodied everything his magazine is about.
“It’s not often we come across a talent so strong and so obvious that we need to immediately recognize his talent as a writer and thinker,” Latouffe explains.
The award carries a non-paid cash prize of zero dollars as well as a senior writing position with the Intergalactic Business Report (also unpaid). “It’s life-changing for the recipient,” Latouffe says.
But the Genius Prize winner presents a problem to the IBR staff. Since he was found in a stock photo they came across on the internet, they have no idea who he is. The mystery man, pictured holding his writing, has been given a temporary John Doe name of Sir Frodo Chillingsworth Langbottoms the Third by Latouffe’s editorial staff. “We just started calling him that,” Latouffe says, “Because it seemed easier than just calling him ‘that guy.’ Someone used that as a placeholder name and it just stuck.”
Will Sir Frodo accept the award? Latouffe doesn’t know, but he hopes the man will eventually reach out and accept a writing position with the publication. “He has everything it takes to be a major contributor at IBR,” Latouffe mentions. “I see him in the mold of Ed Mountaineer and Cedric Bigglestone, but even bigger. He has so much more to say.”
For now, the Intergalactic Business Report will have to admire Sir Frodo Chillingsworh Langbottoms the Third from afar and wait for him to contact them, primarily because Latouffe’s magazine “does not have the ‘organizational intelligence’ to track down a person from a stock photo.” Latouffe adds, “That’s detective shit.”
If you have any recommendations for future prizes the Intergalactic Business Report should award, contact us at email@example.com.
As a publication that publishes things we write, the Intergalactic Business Report is also able to create and administer awards for anything it deems worthy. In this spirit, we announce our first Genius Award, which goes to a fictional character played by Martin Henderson on the Netflix show, “Virgin River.”
Henderson’s character, Jack Sheridan, is a semi-alcoholic ex-marine who runs a bar in the Northern California hamlet of Virgin River. Jack spends his days drinking and his nights porking hair stylist Charmaine Roberts, in a brilliantly devised “casual” relationship in which Jack shows up for booty calls and stares through her when she suggests she has feelings for him.
Enter hot nurse practitioner Melinda Monroe, who spends much of her time explaining what a nurse practitioner is. Melinda, known by her male version name of “Mel,” is coerced into serving out a term in the village by snarky horrible human being and mayor Hope McCrea. (On a side note, Hope’s estranged husband is the town doctor and Mel’s boss, played by Animal House’s Otter. He came in a close second for his ability to convince Hope and other women in the town that he’s just a grumpy old doctor and not a sex fiend, but they don’t understand that he’s actually Otter from Animal House and he’s playing 3D chess with their vaginas).
Anyway… Mel meets Jack. They have an instant connection. Mel isn’t ready for a relationship, so she just has intermittent casual sex with Jack, who, as a genius manipulator, keeps himself in the friendzone with benefits.
HOW JACK DOES IT:
Jack has impressive eyes. They make him look really serious, as if he’s listening to your every word. In reality, he’s probably just drunk and forgotten what came out of your mouth three seconds ago, but he keeps quiet long enough that you have no idea.
Using his eyes as an anchor, Jack captures Mel’s attention. He then moves on to grooming her for his ultimate plan. He starts with offering her rides everywhere during which he listens to Mel whine about her life as he pretends to listen. He tests her boundaries by taking her to a creepy baseball batting cage he’s constructed in the middle of the forest. Finally, he fixes up Mel’s crappy cabin into a “love shack” where he can show up any time, unannounced, and see if she’ll bone him.
HOW JACK’S FRIENDZONE WITH BENEFITS WORKS:
For Jack to successfully keep Mel in check, he consistently overplays his devotion to her. This includes constantly asking her if she can deny she has feelings for him and pretending he wants more, even though he never goes into detail (smart, Jack. Very smart). He never, for instance, asks her to marry him. He never even suggests they move in together. He never gives her jewelry or a ring or any keepsake that could be tied back to him. Every time he pushes, Mel retracts and suggests they stay as “friends.” Jack acts hurt but actually revels in this because he knows as soon as she utters the word “friends” she will soon have non-commitment sex with him. After one such encounter, Mel awakens to tell Jack she is sorry she let things go too far—meaning having sex with him. He gleefully consents to going back to being “friends.” Genius.
JACK SHERIDAN. LIVING THE LIFE.
Just to put the rest of Jack’s life in context, we feel we should mention some other things he has going for him.
-He owns a bar. It’s always packed.
-He drinks whenever he wants. It’s free.
-He has a super responsible friend named Preacher who does all the shit work for him.
-Jack is a total dick to Preacher, expecting him to never leave the bar so that Jack can tool around town offering rides to Mel and fixing shit for her to gain her trust.
-Jack gets Charmaine pregnant with twins and confines her to a “Misery” style existence in evil Hope’s house, while he pursues Mel.
-Jack can probably kick anyone’s ass. Don’t test him.
-Jack’s entire day is free. He can be anywhere at any time and if he shows up somewhere and doesn’t want to be there, he can make up some bullshit about how he needs to “get back to the bar.”
-When Jack does show up at the bar it’s to pour himself a drink, flirt with or mindfuck Mel, or to sit in his pretend office and shuffle through papers until Preacher comes in and says he can take care of that for him, probably because Jack doesn’t even understand what’s on the papers and what it means.
-The hair. Nobody has hair like that.
Editor’s note: We’re only about half-way through Season Two. Don’t write us with a bunch of bullshit that will ruin it for us.
Recently, philanthropist Mackenzie Scott has given away billions to low-profile charities throughout the country. Many of these organizations were shocked to receive the money because they couldn’t believe that a person of Scott’s profile and wealth would regard them as worthy.
Although the Intergalactic Business Report is not a charity, it does take on causes that change lives and the world for the better. We applaud Ms. Scott and respectfully request she consider funding the Intergalactic Business Report, the greatest source of information in the universe.
Below, we summarize some of the causes we are most passionate about for her review:
CAUSE: Give me five.
PURPOSE: Funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs.
CAUSE: Sharing isn’t caring.
PURPOSE: We seek to end the barbaric practice of “family style” meals in restaurants where only the shit food is left for you to eat and there’s only one piece left of anything good and nobody wants to take the last portion so it just sits there.
CAUSE: Lose your grip.
PURPOSE: Organized universal movement to end handshaking not because of COVID but because it’s weird if you think about it. Also, there are people who don’t let go of your hand and they need to be stopped.
CAUSE: End fake space fashion.
PURPOSE: We work to finally stop people from being allowed to show up to work dressed like Star Wars characters, real or imagined.
CAUSE: Public awareness campaign about a false vaccine.
PURPOSE: This campaign centers around ending the myth generated by Carl Ystrepi of Bonhucken, Maine that his penis can deliver a “hot beef injection” that gives recipients total immunity from COVID.
CAUSE: Sit the bench.
PURPOSE: This year, 8 million people will be denied spots on benches in public parks because statues of fake people occupy this space. We all should be able to “sit the bench.”
Sick of all the movies that are “killing it on Netflix”? Try these alternatives, brought to you by the Intergalactic Business Report. Some of them may be hard to find, but if you don’t want to watch the same old movies this year, check these out today.
PLOT: The titular “Sandpa” is actually Santa, as in “Santa” Claus. But no one can pronounce his name when he’s forcibly moved to a tropical island full of Elves banished from the North Pole for their speech impediments.
SPOILER: They murder him.
MOVIE: “Big piece of shit Christmas.”
PLOT: Get ready for the tale of a boy in Italy who receives a giant piece of shit for Christmas. Who gave it to him and why? Delight in this foreign language film where the magic of the season is subdued by having to read subtitles while you wonder if the screaming Italian dude in the movie is actually saying what it says he said.
SPOILER: His dad gave it to him. The “why” part is never explained but we think it’s an Italian thing that only they would comprehend.
MOVIE: “A dark, dark Christmas.”
PLOT: Mythical creature Hadifus Darkness plots to put the entire holiday season inside his enormous butt. Can he fit it? And how is it possible to put a season in a butt?
SPOILER: Some children stop him. And there are a few disturbing scenes of them escaping his butt.
MOVIE: “Christmas in my butt.”
PLOT: Not to be confused with the plot of “A dark, dark Christmas,” this 80’s archival masterpiece features adult film star Jeff Turbo, who tries to see what yuletide items he can fit in his ass.
SPOILER: Don’t watch the scene with the Yule log. When it gets to that part, just turn it off. Seriously.
MOVIE: “My cousin the elf.”
PLOT: Trading on the success of “My cousin Vinny,” this cinematic romp is the story of two boys arrested for murder as they drive through Alabama on their way back to college. Is it a case of mistaken identity? One of the boys calls his cousin, a Christmas elf, to represent them in court.
SPOILER: The elf has no legal skills or background. And, unlike, Vinny, he doesn’t turn it around and suddenly get good at criminal law. The boys are executed and the elf sings a creepy version of “Silent Night,” as the dual electric chairs singe them.
MOVIE: “The Christmas bargain.”
PLOT: Box store manager Larry Fields decides he’s going to give away everything for free this year, in the spirit of Christmas.
SPOILER: He’s fired. Turns out you’re not allowed to do that, unless you own the store, which Larry doesn’t.
“Lose your grip.” The Intergalactic Business Report heads new movement to stop handshaking. (But it has nothing to do with COVID-19 spread.)
The Intergalactic Business Report has a venerable history of serving the public through charitable work and public awareness efforts. In the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic, our editors noticed a movement born to stop people from performing handshakes. This became an opportunity for IBR to bring to light a serious issue that it has openly fought against for years: the practice of the “too long” handshake. To end this horrifying cultural abomination, we recommend that the handshake (even the shorter, less frightening ones) be banned altogether.
Here are the facts about the “too long handshake” crisis in America and the world.
FACT ONE: Before COVID-19, approximately 40 million people per day shook hands at least once in the United states. Of those 40 million, between 4 and 14 million performed what we call a “too long” handshake.
FACT TWO: A “too long” handshake is an opportunity for a handshaking deviant to grasp your hand and hold it indefinitely, making you wonder if he will ever let go. Too long handshakers (or TLHs) exploit common social etiquette to serve their odd perversion and receive gratification from “capturing” your hand.
FACT THREE: With the advent of the Coronavirus pandemic, handshaking numbers plummeted and remain relatively low. For now… TLHs, infuriated by health concerns that inadvertently cut off their supply of victims, began to offer their hands as a gesture of political unity or trust. When people fell for it, the TLHs would hold their hands for what seemed like an eternity.
FACT FOUR: We all know the feeling of making the mistake of shaking someone’s hand and then seeing the crazy glint in his eyes as he watches you panic and try to retract your fingers from his icy grip. When this happens, you have unwittingly let yourself become a part of his sick perversion.
FACT FIVE: People ask us if our efforts have to do with public health. Sure. If that stops you from shaking hands and giving too long handshakers a forum to abuse their fellow citizens. But in actuality, we just always thought shaking hands was creepy and want it ended today.
FACT SIX: People who say stuff like, “How dare you tell me not to shake hands!” And, “Shaking hands is part of our culture! I won’t give that up!” are just trying to trick you into giving up your hand to them so they can hold it in ecstasy while you struggle to get free.
FACT SEVEN: Please see our public service memes below:
Fresh off their recent hit, “America’s open. So is my snatch,” the Intergalactic Business Report’s singer/songwriter duo, Jeff Massengill and Summer Eve, return with a new song about how they plan to spend this Thanksgiving holiday amid the Coronavirus pandemic. While we can’t provide sound or melody, we are releasing the lyrics, below:
“Had fun all this summer, but that’s gonna end… Another big lockdown is just round the bend…”
“We’ve stocked all our whiskey and toothpaste in tubes… On my kitchen table is a bottle of lube..”
“If you’ve got a penis and you’re all alone… You don’t need nobody, cause you have your bone…”
“No Turkey no gravy no cranberry sauce… Just me and my wiener getting ready to toss…”
“My holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving Ima play with myself…”
“It’s lonely this Thursday with no one around… But I do have one friend every time I look down…”
“No relatives with all their political rants… So this year I’m gonna get in my own pants…”
“My celebrations have gone up a notch… Since I decided to be with my crotch…”
“My holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving Ima play with myself…”
“Your holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving, just play with yourself…”
*Artist notes: REPEAT LIKE FORTY TIMES.
In solidarity with the people of Chicago, Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer prepares for a solo Thanksgiving. His insights may help everyone go it alone successfully this holiday.
First off, my name is Ed Mountaineer. I always like to get that out of the way. Second off, I want to talk about my plans for Thanksgiving this year. I just learned that people in Chicago have to spend it alone and can’t see their families and friends, so I thought I’d give them some hope. I broke it down into five main things they should be happy about. Here they are:
1. You don’t have to chew with your mouth closed anymore.
This is probably my favorite part of a solo Thanksgiving. You can eat however you want without someone telling you, “Please, Ed, for the love of God, close your mouth while you’re eating.” Also, you don’t have to put up with all the, “You just spit food on me. What’s wrong with you? Do you seriously not understand how to eat? It’s really simple. Just chew. With your mouth shut. And don’t talk while you’re eating because then the food comes shooting out and hits everyone.” No more of that bullshit. At least not this Thanksgiving.
2. Being drunk is the same as being sober.
In the past, you would try to speak after drinking all day and it was hard. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner would call what you were saying, “gibberish.” Now when you talk “gibberish” it’s normal because no one is there to call it that and you understand it so fuck them.
3. No one can say your penis isn’t huge.
When I said earlier that the chewing thing was my favorite I guess I lied. This one is. Every Thanksgiving, usually when we’re done eating and maybe sitting around watching football, someone inevitably starts a dick measuring contest, and I always lose. I don’t want to get into why but let’s just say it has to do with someone who has a monster schlong and someone whose dick is considered “super small.” Guess who has the monster schlong this Thanksgiving? You (meaning me).
4. You don’t have to modulate the volume on your voice.
How many times at Thanksgiving do people tell you that you’re screaming? Or to “Stop screaming, Ed. Just talk in a normal voice!” This Thanksgiving, all those people can do whatever WHILE I TALK HOW I WANT TO. (I just screamed that.)
5. It’s almost impossible to “threaten” or fight yourself.
Unlike normal Thanksgivings, there’s no one around to challenge to throw down or just follow around super closely till they punch you. You can try to do it to yourself but it doesn’t work. It’s like, “Hey fucker I always hated you since we were little kids!” But then you’re saying that you hate yourself and not your stupid cousin or brother or whoever and it’s not the same. Also, when you hit yourself it hurts in a way that’s unlike when you hit someone else. Mostly because both your fist and your face hurt when usually it’s only your fist.
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After unsuccessfully running for office, Ed needs work. If you would like to hire him, please see his résumé here.
Thanksgiving 2020 is a lot different than I expected. Let me start with that. I realize many of you have assumptions about what it’s like for a “privileged” kid with a trust fund around the holidays but I can tell you right now you’re probably wrong.
On most Thanksgivings we keep it simple and traditional at my house. We have a turkey and stuffing and all the things you probably have in your home. We have our annoying relatives over. We even watch football. So before you start saying, “Oh, I bet your Thanksgiving is in a huge house with a butler and you don’t even have to cook the food yourself because you make a poor person skip Thanksgiving to make your food,” just think about how my family employs that butler and that cook who can’t spend time with their families on the holidays but also have jobs, which is better.
On this Thanksgiving though, we can’t do what we normally do. And you probably can’t either, although I’m not judgy and understand you may be part of one of those COVID hives where people with no shirts breathe on each other and drink Miller High Life at a pool. That’s your life and you don’t know any better. I get that.
For me, it’s a different story. It’s a story about responsibility and following science. We’ve all heard by now that we shouldn’t have a bunch of people over for the holidays. For my family there are a lot of upsides to that, like not having to deal with my step-uncle who’s kind of hot but kind of also not part of our family anymore because he’s divorced from my aunt but he still comes over because he likes to see me. It’s just inappropriate, according to my aunt, but she’s kind of a bitch and also her ex-husband is into me so it’s not like she’s being totally honest about anything.
Then there are the downsides, and that’s really what I wanted to write about today. There are so many, but I narrowed it down to five. They will totally surprise all the haters out there who think I’m shallow and don’t care about other humans.
1. Servants have to wear masks around us. I hate seeing other people have to cover themselves while I do whatever I want. It’s not fair. How is it OK that I can breathe on them or yell at them when they screw up and they just have to sit there and take it? I’ll bet you didn’t know I even thought about this stuff, but it breaks my heart because I’m sensitive. It also sucks because it’s creepy as shit, like they all work at a funeral home or something and I can’t see if they’re laughing at me or making faces. It’s weird. I hate it.
2. How can I help poor people if I need to stay inside all day? I know, right?
3. Being in a warm, safe home that could probably house 20 families makes me sad for how many people are cold and unsafe. Think about the stress of sitting comfortably in a mansion and knowing that there are people out there who not only don’t live in mansions, but also probably live in wherever you live. That must suck. I’m sorry. I really am sorry.
4. I can eat as much as I want, but I won’t because I don’t want to get fat. On the contrary, you probably eat as much as you can and don’t care about getting fat. I envy you.
5. I’m taken care of for life and there’s not anything I could do to ruin that. I guess that would seem comforting (if you’re me) but something about it also makes me sad. Maybe because I’m just moody today or something. I get like that sometimes.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Haley Debaron has a trust fund. It makes her rich. Probably richer than you and we don’t even know you. There’s nothing more to say really, than that. You can contact Haley at email@example.com.
In what can only be described as an earth-shattering development in both the history of the English language and U.S. politics, the Intergalactic Business Report has switched the letters “R” and “L” so that the “election” is now an “erection.” What does this mean for you? We tell you below:
1. Final erection results are not in. Pennsylvania's erection is massively huge this year.
2. Presidential erections come every four years.
3. Senators face erections every six years and representatives face erections every two years.
4. The closer politicians get to an erection, the more nervous they are.
5. Strangely, if there were no erections we would probably be in a dictatorship.
6. This could be the biggest erection of our lifetime but it seems like they say that for every erection.
7. Because the entire process of voting in the United States is now a giant, hard dick, people have to reconsider what role they want in the erection process.
The Intergalactic Business Report started with a simple question: What is the scariest horror movie ever made that you’ve never heard of? Using science, we reached into data, film history, and science to find the solution. We answer the most common questions about the scariest movie ever (that you’ve never heard of).
How scary is the movie?
It’s scary. It is perhaps, no, definitely, the scariest movie ever. It is. It really is. It makes other scary movies look almost unscary. Maybe the best analogy would be if you ate a stick and thought it tasted pretty good and then someone handed you a piece of cheesecake and you were like, “Why did I eat that stick? It’s not even food.”
Are you sure I’ve never heard of it?
No one you know has ever seen it. You for sure haven’t. People who know people you know have never seen it either.
What’s the plot?
The plot is something you also don’t know and can’t guess. It’s not like one of those movies where you watch it and say, “Oh, yeah, that’s just like in that other movie I saw…” That won’t happen. If you ever see it. (See below).
How can I see this movie?
You probably won’t ever see it. It’s super hard to watch a movie you’ve never heard of and that no one you know has ever heard of. How would you find out about it?
How can I find the movie?
You can’t. Where would you even start looking?
How scary is it again?
Super. So scary. You wouldn’t even believe it.
Can I get it on DVD or VHS or Blu-Ray?
Who’s in the movie? What actors?
It’s impossible to say because you haven’t seen it. If you did see it, you might recognize an actor and say, “Oh, I know him. He’s from…” But you won’t because you can’t see the movie.
What’s the title of the movie?
This is what makes it so hard to find anywhere (at least one of the reasons). You don’t even know what it’s called.
Why am I reading this?
Because you believe in science and enjoy reading scientific explanations of things. Which this is.
Are the people writing this mentally ill or something?
Is drunk mentally ill?
Is this supposed to be funny or something?
Is science funny?
Did you even try to think of something to write about that wasn’t so fucking stupid?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.