As the world falls deeper into the COV-ID 19 crisis, you may be feeling, like millions of others, that April Fool’s Day will mentally bring you out of all the despair you’ve been facing. A great prank on your friends, family, or co-workers will make them and you laugh and forget about the impending death that surrounds us all.
Before you “fool” everyone this coming Wednesday, remember that we are living in a moment of anxiety and fear. Because of this, the Intergalactic Business Report has listed eight awesome April Fool’s jokes that you should probably not do this year.
1. Running into the room screaming, “They cured the Coronavirus! They cured it! Look! It’s all over the news! We’re saved!”
2. Pretending you’re going to break your six feet of separation with another human being by running at him, stopping right at the limit and yelling, “April Fools!”
3. Telling your friends that you found toilet paper and you’re going to drop some megarolls on their doorsteps.
4. Pretending you’re a space alien offering the human race a cure for the Coronavirus.
5. Knocking on random people’s doors and saying, “It’s the Government! Open up!”
6. Hitchhiking and then yelling, “April Fools!” at everyone who doesn’t pick you up.
7. Pissing yourself in the line at Costco.
8. Wearing a Hazmat suit around the neighborhood and stopping at people’s houses like you’re investigating stuff.
Recently, movies like “Outbreak” and “Contagion” have topped viewer lists on Netflix and other streaming channels. Now, public agencies are recommending you steer clear of such angst-producing films.
To help with this warning, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its own list of movies you definitely shouldn’t watch during the Coronavirus pandemic.
1. Freakout (1985). In this thriller, a virus shaped like a crown kills everyone on the planet, but before it does, everyone freaks out and hoards food, which they never get to eat, because they all die.
2. Everyone is Going to Die (2012). This film, from cult director Antonio Derencino, takes place in the year 2020 and centers around a mysterious virus that kills everyone on the planet. At first, everyone thinks it’s just like the flu. But then, later, everyone dies.
3. Damn! (1993). In a fictional America circa 2020, people regret all they could have done to prevent a deadly virus from killing everyone. Most of them say, “Damn!” in anger just before succumbing to the disease and dying.
4. Quarantine Adventure (1936). A little-known Jules Verne novel is remade to show a family who self-quarantines themselves on a floating balloon house as the rest of humanity dies below them from a mysterious virus. Spoiler: the balloon crashes at the end and they all die.
5. There is No Hope (2003). German director Alfons Durbrecht’s prescient contribution to cinema history explores people of a future society (in the year 2020) who build houses out of toilet paper they believe is magic and will protect them from a deadly plague. Spoiler: they all die and no one lives long enough to use all the tp.
6. Supermarket Mayhem (1989). Shoppers in a futuristic grocery store (in the year 2020) are told that everything there will never be re-supplied, and they must fight each other for peanut butter and soup cans. At the end, we find out that the reason nothing will be re-supplied is because there’s a deadly plague outside, which kills everyone anyway.
7. Don’t Touch Your Face (1967). In this dystopian drama, citizens in the year 2020 may not touch their faces for fear of immediately being executed by King Corona, a warlord/computer who rules over them and hates when people touch their faces. In the end, most people touch their faces by accident and are annihilated.
8. Lockdown! (1954). In the year 2020, society is ordered to go on a full lockdown to combat a biblical-type plague that threatens everyone. Families are forced to play Parcheesi and Backgammon to pass the time, but the time keeps getting longer and longer till they realize the lockdown is permanent.
Twitter is blowing up over a Netflix release that could be the scariest, most deranged work of cinematography known to humankind. Here are the responses:
“After watching this, I feel like my balls moved from my nut area into my mouth area. Shit! My balls are in my mouth?”
“Don’t watch this movie unless you want to feel like someone removed your brain, peed all over it, put it back, then took it out again, then pooped all over it, and then finally put it back again and said, ‘Think!’”
“My girlfriend made me watch this movie and when it was over we tried to murder each other.”
“You can’t imagine how much your life can change after watching one movie on Netlix, but this one f-cked up mine for real. That scene where the guy’s trying to poop and then that thing is inside is butt…. I stopped pooping. Now I need surgery.”
“I watch Netflix movies and then spend time tweeting about them. Yeah. I actually do that. I get done watching. Then I feel like people will actually be interested in what I have to say in 280 characters or less. I feel like I’m getting close to that limit with this one…”
“Warning: DO NOT WATCH! Just don’t. It is so freaky that when you’re done watching shit on your body will start falling off. I only have one hand left that I’m typing with right now and it’s about to come off too… fadoaifda;sojg.”
“Before I watched this movie, I was just a guy whose handle was Ballsdeepintoyou, which is something I made up to sound cool but also let a certain girl know I was super into her. But after watching the movie I’m a warlock.”
“hey @Ballsdeepintoyou. I turned into a warlock too. Wtf?”
“I fart on face. Make big fart. On face.”
Mushroom Hunters. SERIES.
Darryl Ray and his brother Hobart search the world for the rarest (and deadliest) mushrooms known to humankind. Will they find the mythical Norse “death mushroom”? And will they eat it? SPOILER: in episode five they do and they both die of kidney failure.
Greta Funberg. ORIGINAL MOVIE.
Greta Thunberg’s fictional sister (Dakota Fanning) is all about having a good time and doesn’t give a crap about climate change. But what happens when her serious sibling shows up to Funberg’s end of the year coal burning, hairspray party? Will the two sisters with the same first name join forces to throw the biggest bash of the semester? Or will the entire planet cease to exist before the end of the movie?
In this prank show, Jepp Munson and his crew ruin major life events for unwitting victims. Whether it’s popping the question before someone asks his girlfriend to marry him or locking a husband out of a hospital room so that he misses the birth of his first daughter, Jepp serves up the laughter as quickly as he’s served cease and desist orders.
Suburban Killer Dad. TRUE CRIME DOCUSERIES.
Brett Fabius was a normal suburban dad till he allegedly went on a killing spree. The evidence tilts against Brett, and then back in his favor, as prosecutor Harry Dibbs and defense lawyer Marcus Deriley, battle to decide his fate. SPOILER: In episode one, DNA evidence, along with witness testimony, and a video Brett made confessing to the crimes proves he’s guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. But wait, in episode two, new evidence arises that could clear him. Except that it doesn’t because the new evidence is a Taco Bell receipt date stamped at the time of the murder, but it didn’t belong to Brett at all. Then the series kind of ends.
Dick Measurers. SERIES.
Host Travis Wright measures celebrities’ dicks to see who has the largest one. SPOILER: Only Pauly Shore and Jan Michael Vincent accept the challenge. And Jan Michael Vincent is dead, making episode two one of the most controversial episodes of this two-episode series.
Holy Crap. MOVIE.
Orlando Bloom and Cuba Gooding Jr. play adventurer brothers Luke and Chaz Cheezit who discover what might be the only remaining relic of 12th century monk Elastus Bonofani—a huge turd, preserved in a melting glacier in the alps. Now that they have it, what will they do? Get ready to lose your shit laughing as these two goofballs trek through Europe in an effort to bring their shitpiece to the Vatican for what they hope will be a multi-billion-dollar reward.
Fuzz Ballzzz. SERIES.
Blair Underwood plays Principal Damon Lewis in this hard as nails teenage sex drama about the coming of age of a group of sophomores who call their group “duh fuzz ballzzz,” for a reason revealed in season 8, even though this is only season one, and there’s no way this is getting renewed for season 2.
Do you have what it takes to be a professional athlete? Answer any of these four questions with a "yes" and you may be good enough to play your sport for money.
1. Have professional coaches or representatives from a professional team offered you money to play for them? If they have, this is a solid indication that you may have a chance to be a pro athlete.
2. Have you never lost at whatever sport you play? This one’s especially important for solo sports, like tennis or masturbation.
3. Do sports companies offer you “endorsement deals” for you to make commercials about their products?
4. Has a lawyer ever presented you with a contract that if you signed it, it would make you a professional athlete?
February sucks. But at least there’s the Oscars. Except the Oscars suck too. So you have nothing. Still, for the next two days, all anyone will be talking about is who won the best foreign toilet documentary. Do you succumb to the pressure and watch? Or do you do what we recommend, and choose one of these life-affirming alternatives:
1. Call someone you know is super into the Oscars. Keep calling. Tell them you’ve been taken hostage but not to call the police because the guy said he’ll kill you if anyone does. Then say the guy also said they need to turn off the Oscars or they’ll kill you for that too.
2. Give yourself an award for eating the most King Dons in seventeen minutes.
3. Stand in front of a mirror. Watch yourself for however long the Oscars are on. Don’t move. Just stare. Stand. If you feel yourself falling or getting hungry, stop and go do that.
4. Aimlessly wander. Nobody does that anymore. Just leave your place and walk till you drop from exhaustion or meet people who put you in their car and take you somewhere, probably not to murder you, but who knows? You just met these people and they put you in their car.
5. Give yourself a standing fucking ovation. Yes. You fucking did it. Now you know what it feels like to give and receive a standing ovation at the same time. How many people can say they’ve had that experience?
6. Eat a King Don. Eat another one, but faster. Keep doing that. (See Number 2, above.)
7. Show your true disdain for the Academy Awards by trying to “wipe your ass” with it.
8. Have sex with a King Don. (If any are left over.)
9. Find out what it really takes to be “escorted by security” out of a shopping mall.
10. Find out what it really takes to be “forcibly removed” from a family video store.
11. Shave off the hair from the back of your head and draw another face on that. Now there are two of you.
12. Take an intense, but short-lived interest in robotics, which ends with you throwing a metal pipe at your neighbor, and your arguing with the cops that it was not a metal pipe, it was a robot arm.
Are you just cool enough to have friends but also so uncool that you enter “Oscar pools” with people who actually watched all the movies? As an added reader benefit, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Bart DeLong gives you the answers you need so that you’ll be the star of this year’s nerdathon.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:
Antonio Banderas, Pain and Glory
Leonardo DeCaprio, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood.
Adam Drive, Marriage Story
Joaquin Phoenix, Joker
Jonathon Price, the Two Popes
THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR:
Me, Acting Like I Give a Shit About the Oscars.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Cynthia Erivo, Harriet
Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story
Saoirse Ronan, Little Women
Charlize Theron, Bombshell
Renée Zellweger, Judy
THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTRESS:
My college girlfriend, Pretending she loved me for two and a half years and then boning Jeff Werner in the bathroom at a house party. Whatever.
Once upon a Time… in Hollywood
THE WINNER FOR BEST DIRECTOR:
Me, Directing Your Mom’s Head Toward my Crotch.
Ford v Ferrari
THE WINNER FOR BEST PICTURE:
My 75 inch Flatscreen Not Showing the Oscars.
Bart DeLong is way cooler than you. Unlike you, he can introduce himself by saying, “Bart Delong. As in ‘dee long’ penis in my pants.” He’s tired of this shit. It sucks and it’s boring. He can be reached at email@example.com.
These stars need to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame immediately or the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks.
Each year, new inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are revealed and each year you sit and think, “Whitney Houston and the Notorious B.I.G are rock acts?”
Because the Hall of Fame field is obviously open to anyone who ever sang a song or played an instrument, the Intergalactic Business Report shares its own list of musicians who should be inducted immediately.
ARTIST: Carl Douglas.
REASON: The “Kung Fu Fighting” singer sang the song “Kung Fu Fighting” which was about people Kung Fu Fighting. But not just some people. Everyone. Every single person, presumably on the planet. All fighting. Kung Fu. That’s a hell of a lot of people.
ARTIST: Carl Weathers.
REASON: If Carl Douglas makes it then Carl Weathers does too.
ARTIST: Tubbs from Miami Vice
REASON: Also known as Phillip Michael Thomas, Tubbs’s breakthrough hit….
REASON: The Swedish supergroup sang “Cherokee,” about the plight of a displaced Native-American tribe who lived in the desert, even though they didn’t.
ARTIST: James Spader.
REASON: For his outstanding musical performance in the critically acclaimed film Tuff Turf
ARTIST: Rampal, master of the Pan Flute.
REASON: He’s the fucking MASTER. Not just some dick who plays the pan flute as a hobby or to get girls.
ARTIST: Don Johnson.
REASON: Like Tubbs, Don Johnson sang music. His hit “Heartbeat” is about him hauling a huge movie camera through Vietnam and New York City while he avoids explosions and stalks women.
As of January 1, the Dutch government declared they will no longer recognize “Holland” as synonymous with “the Netherlands.” Unfortunately, this short-sighted move has far-reaching ramifications for our planet. We list them below:
1. Hollandaise sauce will now be known as, “Nether Scrunch Feed.”
2. British actor Tom Holland is now “Tom the Netherlands.”
3. The city of Holland, Michigan, in the United States, will be destroyed by the Dutch army, leaving only a crater and some stray Mentos.
4. For now, Dutch Boy paint is safe. As is the “Dutch oven.” But some experts worry that the Netherlands will soon also ban the term “Dutch,” returning the Dutch oven to its clinical name of “fart containment chamber.”
5. Holland America Cruises are now called “All-inclusive Euro Skank Barges.”
6. Jazz Musician Dave Holland is now David Abramowitz Jr.
7. The color “Holland Blue” has been changed to “Blueish.”
8. The Holland Tunnel connecting New York City and New Jersey will now be known as “Vinnie Lavazza’s Butthole” named after Vinnie Lavazza, winner of the “Rename the Holland Tunnel whatever you want” contest.
Ed Mountaineer seldom talks about his relationships with celebrities and is known to be secretive and evasive when asked. Today he breaks his silence and finally reveals why he will never work with Mark Wahlberg.
(From Ed Mountaineer):
For years people have asked me who I like working with in Hollywood the most. They want to know stories about famous actors, models, and other celebrities. They want to know the dirt, the drama, the stuff their publicists will never let you see.
Until now, I’ve never said anything about my friendships and personal experiences with these people and for good reason. First, you can get sued if you say something about them. Even if it’s true. Second, if you say too much, they might be embarrassed or offended, and that could hurt your career.
I finally decided, however, that there was one person I would discuss because I will never ever work with him and I don’t care that he knows it. That person is Mark Wahlberg. And these are the reasons we will never work together:
1. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t know who I am. It’s true. Mark wouldn’t recognize my name or face if you showed him a picture.
2. I am not a big, fancy Hollywood star. Unlike Mark, who stars in movies and works out all the time, I don’t. This has contributed to a stark distance between us through the years.
3. For his films, Mark works with “actors,” “producers,” and “directors.” I am none of those, thus limiting my chances to be near Mark in a professional capacity.
4. Mark Wahlberg attends social events that I am not invited to. Imagine a beach house on the beach and a bunch of famous people drinking and talking to each other and me, not there. That’s the reality.
5. Mark makes big money deals with other people who have a lot of money. Even if I wanted to make a big money deal with Mark, I would need to have big money to do it. That’s strike one. Strike two is that I would need to know where to meet Mark to even discuss a deal. I don’t have that information. Strike three. I’m out.
6. Mark demands perfection from everyone around him. I guess. I wouldn’t really know because I’ve never met him or had anything to do with him, even indirectly. I’m assuming this because he looks super uptight—like the kind of guy who would scream at people if they weren’t perfect and say stuff like, “I demand perfection from everyone around me!” Again, just pure conjecture. But what a prick, right?
7. When I extend my hand to high-five Mark, he doesn’t high-five me back. This is mainly because I’m in my apartment on a couch and he’s wherever he is. But still. At least high-five me back. No? Fine. I’ll never work with you. Ever.
8. Mark is super into his family, which leaves no room for me. Selfish, right? I’m out here, all alone, and there he is, with his family.
9. Mark’s whole identity is tied up in himself. I find this egotistical and sad. I also think it drives a wedge further between us since my identity is also so strongly centered on myself. So it’s more that we’re too alike and almost like brothers. Or he’s my dad or I’m his dad or something like that.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.