Rhoda. Bloom. I separated my name with a period because that’s the most creative I’m going to get for the rest of my life, which will probably be short. In my last column, I even assumed I would be dead by now. But guess what? I’m still just living the nightmare and waiting to get sideswiped by a horrifying medical diagnosis or a natural disaster where everyone I know has to say, “Oh my god. Rhoda Bloom lives there. Do you think she’s dead? Yeah. Rhoda Bloom. You don’t remember her? She was that weird girl nobody liked. Yeah, my sister, Rhoda Bloom.”
Speaking of natural disasters, I read an article about how a comet is coming straight for our planet. I kept skipping ahead so I could find the part where it says it won’t hit for 50 million years, but it wasn’t there. So, we’re all going to die. Whatever.
Meanwhile, I guess my COVID vaccine is wearing off. When the comet hits I’ll probably be wondering if I have the virus or just a really shitty cold where I also shit my pants. And I’ll have a rash too I guess. Probably in my ass, and the doctor will be like, “No one ever gets it there,” and then we’ll just watch the comet make impact from his doctor’s office window and he’ll be the last person I spend time with on Earth, which sucks for him.
There’s also the UFO stuff, of course. Those interplanetary motherfuckers are apparently all over the place and instead of being worried, we just take videos of them and post them and everyone’s like, “Hey, check out this Tik Tok of a UFO.” I’m assuming the aliens are freaked out by that, kind of like if you walk into a bar holding a huge gun and everyone just kind of turns and looks at you and then keeps drinking. I guess we’ve got that going for us. At least until they fire that metaphorical gun, which is probably like a hand-held super nuclear laser beam that also gives you COVID.
Speaking of Tik Tok, I guess if you look at it, the Chinese government controls your phone? But we keep doing it because we like twelve second videos of teenagers doing stuff nobody understands except teenagers and even they seem a little confused but don’t really care because I guess that’s the point? Does anyone get this at all?
In some good news, everybody dies. That kind of evens everything out.
In some other good news, I just watched a show called “Squid Game” where poor people play childhood playground games against each other and get killed if they fuck up. If you end up winning all the games it means everyone else died but you get to be a multi-millionaire. I really related to the fucking up and dying part and also the part where when you die you don’t get any of the money and it goes to someone else who wanted it more than you.
Inflation is going to be horrible, according to experts. Higher inflation means everything’s going to cost a lot more. Except death. Death will always be cheap.
Anyway, I guess I’m done writing. I need to check my Twitter feed where I just saw that everything in the entire world sucks. I think there are some links to articles. Instagram has some new pictures of successful people telling me to stop worrying what other people think of me so I can reach my goals. But I’m on Instagram because my goal is to have everyone like me. And my high school reunion is coming up according to Facebook and the theme is bikini beach party, so I guess that’ll delay the comet from hitting.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at email@example.com.
Ed Mountaineer adds to the twitter feud between Gerard Butler and Ryan Reynolds by telling our readers why he doesn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies. The reasons may astound you.
(From Ed Mountaineer)
I know a lot of people know me because of my relationships with celebrities and in the past year I’ve received a lot of criticism for my views on Ryan Reynolds. One reader made the claim that I was “hanging from Ryan's balls,” which is impossible because he has none. Burned.
I could end the article with that and the editor in my mind is screaming at me right now to do just that and walk away with a sick victory over Reynolds and all he represents, including airplane- themed alcohol (let’s drink and then fly a plane, bros!) and phones for poor people that trick them into thinking they’re going to have better breath (wrong!).
If you added up all the nonsense I’ve put up with from Reynolds it would total a number scientists haven’t invented yet because they would be like, “Why even have a number that high? That’s stupid.” Apparently they’ve never met Ryan Reynolds.
Anyway, when Gerard Butler came out to say he didn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies, Reynolds shot back by promoting charities about democracy and civil liberties and racial justice or something. Huh? Maybe he should start a new charity to help all the people who tried to eat one of his phones because their breath was so bad? Or one for all the pilots who crashed planes after getting drunk on his booze? I don’t know, Ryan… Just thinking out loud.
I promised the Intergalactic Business Report I would tell you why I, like Gerard, don’t watch movies by Ryan Reynolds and it might not be for the reasons you think. Here they are:
1. I don’t own a t.v. They took it away from me and don’t get me started on who “they” is. The point really is, how am I supposed to watch movies if I don’t have anything to watch them on?
2. I am banned from most movie theaters. This is a known fact and probably the reason Reynolds likes to have so many of his movies play in them.
3. I am not able to “see” Ryan Reynolds. My brain is trained to immediately shut down images of Reynolds so that I never have to look at him. Yes, this means I would probably lose in a fight against him because he would essentially be invisible and could sneak around and punch me. If that makes you feel like a big man, Ryan, go ahead and take a swing.
4. If I were able to get into a Ryan Reynolds movie without being detained or arrested, I would probably need to take a dump right at that moment and be in the bathroom for the next thirty minutes and when I was done I’d wander into basically any other movie and watch that instead, even if it was about a family coming together for Christmas or Thanksgiving and they have to deal with a tragedy from the past.
5. I did see a Ryan Reynolds movie once. Before I smartly made my pledge to never again see a Ryan Reynolds movie, I did see one and didn’t understand who I was watching. I asked myself, “Who is this approachable, funny, and charismatic actor who makes me want to watch more?” But that was Albert Brooks.
6. My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynold’s. I just needed to say that. I almost typed, “My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynolds.”
7. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
Turns out the richest man on planet Earth reads a lot of books. Or at least that’s what the Intergalactic Business Report discovered when it sent its top writers on a mission to find out just what the eccentric billionaire has in his book collection. We were shocked. And a little surprised. But believe it or not* these are the stories, novels, and non-fiction works that Musk reads every day.
1. Big Titties: a pop-up view book.
Despite its suggestive title, this book also focuses on breasts that aren’t that big. Warning: when you open chapter five—Brenda’s Bouncing Triple Gs—you get hit in the face.
2. Only I may read this.
This book is so exclusive only Elon Musk is allowed to read it.
3. Robot Viking Booty Warrior.
This novel chronicles the adventures of Fyornstad Gruenstein, an ancient Viking who is resurrected by scientists in the year 2176 to star in his own talk show. Unfortunately, no one can communicate with him through speech since he can only talk with a lost language, so he just fucks things.
4. Bold inventions of the Kitty Empire.
Here we see stuff kittens have invented, like string they pulled from a ball of yarn and a dead bird wing.
5. Emperor Gorgon X’s command book for Elon Musk.
This is just a huge list of shit that Musk must get done for someone called Emperor Gorgon X. Example: “Prepare Earth for my arrival. I’m putting a lot of trust in you, man. Take it seriously, all right?”
6. How to make up cool-sounding shit that you’ll never actually do.
A guide for constructing big ideas that appear amazing but are actually total bullshit, this book instructs readers how they can take part A (I have a vision/plan/idea for the future), add it to part B (And that is that we will all be able to travel/communicate/trade/store things in) and then tack on part C (using giant rubber bands/telepathic brain plugs/space currency/your mom’s butt).
Every other week, Netflix announces it’s cancelling shows and every other week, the internet shows a picture of a show that there’s no way they’d cancel next to the headline that Netflix is cancelling shows. Want to know which series are getting the axe for real? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you eight shows that are finally meeting their demise. We list them below:
SHOW: Poison Pals (Cancelled).
PLOT: Two Nova Scotian high school boys poison each other on a dare.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: They both die in the first episode, because they eat the kind of poison that kills you immediately.
SHOW: Burstoff (Cancelled).
PLOT: David Burstoff is the world’s most successful art thief, but his lifestyle is in jeopardy when a loveable eight-year-old who may or may not be his son paints a picture worth 8 billion dollars. Should he steal from his own possible son? Or should he take the money he’s already made from stealing art over the years and buy a reasonable home in the suburbs and raise his maybe kid who will call all the shots in this new family because he’s now a billionaire. Also, there’s a maid who talks back a lot. Like she’s more part of the family than a domestic servant.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Read above.
SHOW: Are you fucking crazy? (Cancelled).
PLOT: Hot young studs are placed on an island with hot young women all of whom are clinically insane. After dating around for three days, the studs must choose to either leave the island as a couple or commit their new girlfriends to a mental health facility.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Executives found it too similar to every other stuck on an island dating program.
SHOW: Dustin Nason Unblown (Cancelled).
PLOT: Dustin Nason can’t get a blow job to save his life, both figuratively and literally, as a terrorist group gives him 30 minutes to get oral sex or they will ignite a bomb attached to his genitals.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: The show was only 30 minutes long, and even though Dustin achieves a blow job with a mysterious cloaked person who is also probably a member of the terrorist group, the terrorists didn’t really have an understanding about how to turn off explosives once they set them.
SHOW: River by the Bay (Cancelled).
PLOT: Becky Welsh is a big-time nail aesthetician from LA who gets displaced from the big city when Jeff, her powerful convenience store manager husband, has an affair with a Red Robin waitress and Becky makes a choice to leave him for a new life in the small town of River by the Bay. While jealous Jeff tries to find her whereabouts, Becky meets an attractive Taco Bell employee who may or may not be the third shift meat hose operator.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Episode 3, “Suck My Meat Hose,” brought about a lawsuit from Taco Bell and a broke several actors' mouths.
SHOW: The Beehaven Chronicles (Cancelled).
PLOT: This adaptation of the children’s book series features Abel Applethorpe, a feisty forty-seven-year-old man who moves to a new town and finds a secret world in his own butt, which he names Beehaven.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: In the books, Abel is ten years old and Beehaven is a secret fairy world he finds in the woods behind his old Victorian house. Not sure why Netflix changed all that but fans were like, “What?”
SHOW: Drive Till You Pass Out (Cancelled).
PLOT: Stunt driver Daryl Morin drives till he passes out, sometimes crashing his vehicle, but mostly he just pulls off the road and falls asleep.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Daryl can drive almost forever, so the show is a lot of him driving and listening to podcasts. There’s also a lot of public service announcements about not driving tired, mostly starring Daryl, which seems kind of confusing.
SHOW: The Sword and the Goat (Cancelled).
PLOT: Parthian Prince Avanar Xaradu must defend his ancestral lands against invading Roman armies. Can he unite his people and use his guile and charm to trick his new enemies? Or will his weakness to have sex with farm animals all the time, impede his chances?
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Historians criticized the series for its misunderstanding of history including that there was a Parthian Prince who fucked goats and cows. But also basically everything else too.
Mike Thompson wrote this. All of it. He told us he would kill us with his penis.
Me Mike Thompson. Me kill you with penis. Penis so strong. So big. It kill you! Me kill you! With it!
My name is Mike Thompson, and I am pleased that the Intergalactic Business Report hired me to be a new “featured writer” for their online magazine. Many of my friends told me to be wary accepting such a position because they had read the Intergalactic Business Report and they found it “scary” and “written by psychopaths" or maybe "really drunk psychopaths.” But it didn’t scare me a bit. A little about myself: (REDACTED).
Me have big penis. Me hurt you with it if you come near me. Maybe I even come near you on purpose so I can hit you with my big penis.
After Harvard, I took a post graduate position in the U.K., where I used my free time to write a blog about human relationships in a post-modern world. I feel my insights might give readers of this magazine a new perspective on society, our collective history, and contemporary issues. The Intergalactic Business Report seems lacking in this regard because (REDACTED).
My penis hard now! That make it more dangerous! ANGHHHHHHHH! Penis HARD! PENIS STRONG!
A former employee of the Intergalactic Business Report even contacted me to tell me that the editors will completely alter writers’ articles and crudely "redact" whole sections to make the writer seem perverse or mentally unstable. But why would anyone do that? That would be insane, right? Anyway, I (REDACTED) and I assume no publication anywhere would do such a thing.
I look forward to being part of the Intergalactic Business Report team and hope my contributions may offer a bit of enlightenment and comfort in a world where (REDACTED). UGH! Penis now soft! Must leave now and come back when it hard again! I done writing now. Good bye.
Recently, the North Korean government warned young people about the dangers of using slang and incorporating fashion from South Korea and Western pop culture. Violators could face up to fifteen years in a prison camp, which, we’re just guessing, would completely suck.
One problem with the new North Korean policy is that it is almost impossible to list all the possible offenses that could be made, since pop culture has an almost endless stream of sayings, idioms, and fashion choices.
In an effort to assist North Koreans who may accidentally utter something treacherous, the Intergalactic Business Report lists six key phrases and choices they may want to definitively avoid. We share them below:
1. Refrain from saying “Kim Jong-Un sucks balls.”
2. Don’t wear American flag cowboy hats.
3. Never say, “Kim Jong-Un low key sucks balls.”
4. Similarly, don’t say, “No cap. Kim Jong-Un sucks balls.”
5. Avoid wearing tee shirts that say, “America: number one. North Korea: Sucks balls.”
6. Don’t say, “That tee shirt about Kim Jong-Un sucking balls is straight fire.”
The Intergalactic Business Report’s own dating and relationship expert, Tessa Miggs, tells our readers her test for determining if you’ve met the one you should spend the rest of your life with. See her column below:
When the Intergalactic Business Report asked me to write for them about dating, I told them right away that if I did, it would not be a tired old advice column with a bunch of clichés and useless information about where to go on a first date or how long to wait before calling or texting after a night of sex. I wanted to give real advice that people in the dating world could use every day—stuff I wish I’d known when I first started my dating journey.
A lot of people ask how I became a “dating expert.” They wonder how a twenty-eight year old woman who’s never been married or been in a relationship longer than a month could possibly offer any insights into what it takes to find a mate.
They also ask why experts like me are always so shallow and empty. Why do I, for instance, spend my time going out on dates, critiquing the men I meet, and then write about what they did wrong without ever mentioning how totally fucked up I am as a person?
One friend of mine even said, “I’d take relationship advice from an old lady who’s been married for 50 years, but not you. You have serious intimacy issues, and you look for married guys who look like your dad.”
To these comments and questions, I always say, “Relax. I never said I had all the answers. All I can promise you is that I can help you find lasting love with the perfect partner.”
My record is pretty clear. Last year, I introduced thirty people to their future spouses. Whether they choose to stay together is out of my control. Many of them had language barriers and different ideas about what it means to be in a relationship, such as, “Why is this fat dude from Russia yelling at me during this speed dating thing that Tessa Miggs forced me to go to in her tiny apartment?” And “Where is everyone else?” And, of course, “Where is Tessa? Where the fuck did she go? Why did she leave me here?”
But I could talk about speed dating and matchmaking all day. Let me get on to the point of this column, which is how to know someone is “the One.” I dig deep into my expertise for this subject because, although I’ve never found “the One,” I have definitely dismissed a lot of men for not being, “the One.” Here’s how it goes.
After dating him for three months (if you’re me, three days is fine too), take a long, hard look at him and ask yourself how you’d feel looking at him as you walk down the aisle to get married.
Do you say:
1. “This guy is too good for me. I can’t believe he’s marrying me. What does he see in me?”
2. “I think we have a strong friendship and can make this work, even though I don’t feel the spark of romance is quite there yet.”
3. “This guy looks almost exactly like my dad and I think he can take care of me and finally give me proof that I’m wanted.”
4. “I feel equal to this person and I am totally and fully in love. We complete each other.”
If you think number three then get married. This guy is “the One.” For sure. The mistake most people make is thinking that “compatibility” is the same as being “compatible” with someone and that “being in love” means that you have feelings that make you feel as though you would do anything for that person. You aren’t someone’s slave. That’s weird.
On the other hand, think about your dad for a second. You’d do anything for him and family comes first. Sounds a little counter intuitive maybe but you know you love your dad, right? Even if he wasn’t always there for you and seemed super into your best friend’s mom who he married and moved to Texas with.
Anyway, the point is that you need to look within. Not at superficial looks or feelings that lead you astray. That’s what I tell my clients when they ask, “Why did you leave me alone with that Russian dude? He was like seventy years old and super angry.”
All I can answer with is this wisdom: When you’re seventy, will you be super angry too? Or will you be finally ready for love?
Only you can answer that question.
Tessa Miggs is the relationship and dating expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. She can be reached at email@example.com
At the Intergalactic Business Report, we often* receive reports from our readers** about their encounters with celebrities. These stories can range from the mundane (Cindy Crawford took a selfie with me) to the outrageous (Ryan Reynolds asked to use my bathroom to take a dump). We decided to go with just the outrageous and printed them below.
“I was waiting tables at a Bennigan’s in Chicago when in walks Ryan Reynolds and his entourage. Some guy who I guess is his bodyguard tells my manager that everyone has to leave and pretty soon it’s just Ryan Reynolds, all alone, in a Bennigan’s in Chicago at 3:45 on a Wednesday afternoon. When I go to serve him I have to wear a blindfold and he tells me to go find something called a ‘Tim Horton’s’ and bring him back a maple dip donut and that if I bring him a maple donut from somewhere else he’ll know. I go all over the city looking for a Tim Horton’s and my manager calls and says that Ryan has left because it was taking too long. He did leave me a tip though. Unfortunately, it was 35 cents in Canadian money.”
Jeff- New York City.
“After a night out at the bars, a friend of mine and I stumbled home. We were about five blocks away when a guy comes out and takes all our money. Then he says, ‘I’m Ryan Reynolds. Fuck you.’ I couldn’t believe it. What a total asshole.”
“I was audited by the IRS and didn’t know why. As I waited in the cold reception room for my appointment, a man came out and explained that Ryan Reynolds had audited me. Confused, I asked, ‘Ryan Reynolds? The celebrity?’ He nodded and said there was nothing I could do. When I complained that this was illegal and that Reynolds was Canadian and how could he audit U.S. citizens, the man did this thing where he looked really scared and insinuated that Ryan Reynolds was watching him. Needless to say, my audit did not go well.”
Brenda-Carson City Nevada.
“One time I took my kids to Chuck-E-Cheese and Ryan fucking Reynolds walks in and has everyone removed so he can eat pizza in private and maybe play some games. On our way out I asked him if I could get a picture of him with my kids because they’re such huge fans. He said something about how if I wanted to take a picture I should have given birth to cameras instead of kids. Weird. He’s so fucking weird.”
Ed Mountaineer-a little bit of everywhere.
“I show up at Ryan Reynolds’ house with my script for a movie I wrote where he’s the star and he could win an Oscar. Some guy comes out and says this ‘this is a private residence’ and some other bullshit. The question is how big of an asshole is Ryan Reynolds?”
**This was all written by Ed Mountaineer.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
After being isolated, quarantined, and cooped up for a year, Americans are more ready than ever to travel again. But some new restrictions may make you think twice about getting on an airplane, boat, or even booking a hotel.
As part of its commitment to travel safety and security, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the hidden post-Corona rules the vacation industry won’t tell you. We sent our writers and editors on trips to test the new travel waters, and this is what they found.
1. Passengers on most major airlines may not “make poopies” in their pants and just sit there for the remainder of the four-hour flight while everyone bitches at you for the smell. About forty minutes into your pants-shitting, someone will start asking you dumb questions about whether you’re “all right” and “need some help,” and about twenty minutes after that everyone will figuratively shit themselves trying to get you to find a bathroom to change or whatever.
2. You can get arrested for throwing your shit-filled undies from an airplane restroom. They don’t technically arrest you on the plane, but an air marshal dude will physically subdue you while the rest of the passengers cheer as if they kicked your ass themselves.
3. If you tell the hotel clerk to “suck your dick” they won’t give you a room. Even if you slide them a twenty after you scream it.
4. Pretending you’re a hitman at a hotel lobby bar only works if you’re patient enough to get into a long, drunken conversation with someone where you finally “admit” your profession and they feel scared but also strangely drawn to the danger you’re bringing into their lives. If you don’t do all that stuff, and just start screaming that you’re going to shoot everyone, the cops come. And they shoot you.
5. Cab drivers don’t let you smoke crack in the back seat. Even Ubers. Except this one guy. But he probably wasn’t an Uber driver because he didn’t have a car and he lived under a bridge in Seattle.
6. On the West Coast of the United States, you can’t just take your dick out in a grocery store and try to slap everyone with it. Actually, you can, but people start freaking out and evading you and it makes it harder to slap them because you have to run to catch them while holding your penis and that’s hard (to run, not the penis, but that’s also hard).
7. If you’re in Florida, you can totally pour the syrup at a Denny’s down your pants. No one even says anything. Just wanted to get that in. Sunshine state. Oranges. Syrup all over your balls.
8. Albuquerque New Mexico. Some guy named Roy who stirs drinks with his penis. Five bucks for the drink. Seven bucks for the stir. That’s like three bucks more than he charged pre-Covid, so be ready for the sticker shock.
9. You’re not allowed to cutely “ride” people’s dogs anymore. The dogs bite you. The people beat your ass. All around a pretty bad experience.
10. Offering “free mustache rides” is no longer something waitresses at fine dining restaurants think is funny. Especially when you don’t even have a mustache. Post-covid, just start your order with, “I’ll try the steak tartare, please,” instead of, “There’s a free mustache ride in it for you if you sit on my face. I’ll try the steak tartare, please.”
11. Did we mention the thing about not slapping people with your penis in a supermarket? Apparently, that also goes for pet stores and banks.
12. Casinos don’t allow you to bet other gamblers’ lives as collateral, even if you’ve gotten them to agree that you own their souls because you’re the devil.
13. Cruise ships don’t allow you to play “naked statue” in other people’s cabins where you just stand there like you’re a sculpture and they’re screaming something about how did this man get in my room but you just keep standing there because you’re a naked statue someone just put in there and it’s not your fault.
14. “Big Bus” tours of cities are not secret orgy/swinger sites where old people have sex with tour guides so you shouldn’t ask the tour guides when the old people are going to start having sex and whether it’s hard for him get into it when the dicks and boobs are so old and then you catch yourself because this dude’s probably into that and you’re into some weird shit too so why judge?
Six months ago, Cedric Bigglestone entered a mental health program. Here’s the letter he wrote to himself that he has to read today.
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Cedric Bigglestone entered a mental health program six months ago. Let’s not even get into the details. As part of his therapy, he was required to write himself a letter that he would re-read six months later. Today is that day and we are publishing it. (Just imagine Cedric talking while you read it.)
Sorry I put ourselves in this mess. I say, “ourselves” because I feel like there are two of us now since I’m writing a letter to myself but there’s also me, who’s writing, but is also myself. I guess that makes two “myselfs”?
Wait a fucking second. Am I in here for having multiple personality disorder? Someone’s saying no, that isn’t it. I guess I’m not allowed to write my own fucking letter. Some doctor is going to do it for me. (Now she’s saying to go ahead and write whatever I want and to ignore what she said.)
O.K. So I guess I’m in here for multiple personality disorder and as I write this, I’m screaming every word so my therapist can hear me even though she’s standing right next to me. Now she’s moving away from me, so I need to scream louder.
Now I’m going to write what she’s saying. Guard. Guard. Guard. Can you please come in?
Sorry for the interruption. They made me stop writing but now I’m back. I think my other personality came out and started doing shit like yelling a lot and now I’m back—the calm one.
Being here at the ______ has really helped me figure out a lot of my issues, like the one where my other personality comes out and drinks so much that he tries to hunt mimes and other street entertainers because those motherfuckers are stealing babies again.
I guess that’s about it. See you in six months.
Cedric Bigglestone the first (not the bad one)
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.