 This is the pan flute. Rampal is the master. Put him in the hall of fame now. Each year, new inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are revealed and each year you sit and think, “Whitney Houston and the Notorious B.I.G are rock acts?” Because the Hall of Fame field is obviously open to anyone who ever sang a song or played an instrument, the Intergalactic Business Report shares its own list of musicians who should be inducted immediately. ARTIST: Carl Douglas. REASON: The “Kung Fu Fighting” singer sang the song “Kung Fu Fighting” which was about people Kung Fu Fighting. But not just some people. Everyone. Every single person, presumably on the planet. All fighting. Kung Fu. That’s a hell of a lot of people. ARTIST: Carl Weathers. REASON: If Carl Douglas makes it then Carl Weathers does too. ARTIST: Tubbs from Miami Vice REASON: Also known as Phillip Michael Thomas, Tubbs’s breakthrough hit…. ARTIST: Europe. REASON: The Swedish supergroup sang “Cherokee,” about the plight of a displaced Native-American tribe who lived in the desert, even though they didn’t. ARTIST: James Spader. REASON: For his outstanding musical performance in the critically acclaimed film Tuff Turf ARTIST: Rampal, master of the Pan Flute. REASON: He’s the fucking MASTER. Not just some dick who plays the pan flute as a hobby or to get girls. ARTIST: Don Johnson. REASON: Like Tubbs, Don Johnson sang music. His hit “Heartbeat” is about him hauling a huge movie camera through Vietnam and New York City while he avoids explosions and stalks women.  Coming soon: Euro Skank Barges. As of January 1, the Dutch government declared they will no longer recognize “Holland” as synonymous with “the Netherlands.” Unfortunately, this short-sighted move has far-reaching ramifications for our planet. We list them below: 1. Hollandaise sauce will now be known as, “Nether Scrunch Feed.” 2. British actor Tom Holland is now “Tom the Netherlands.” 3. The city of Holland, Michigan, in the United States, will be destroyed by the Dutch army, leaving only a crater and some stray Mentos. 4. For now, Dutch Boy paint is safe. As is the “Dutch oven.” But some experts worry that the Netherlands will soon also ban the term “Dutch,” returning the Dutch oven to its clinical name of “fart containment chamber.” 5. Holland America Cruises are now called “All-inclusive Euro Skank Barges.” 6. Jazz Musician Dave Holland is now David Abramowitz Jr. 7. The color “Holland Blue” has been changed to “Blueish.” 8. The Holland Tunnel connecting New York City and New Jersey will now be known as “Vinnie Lavazza’s Butthole” named after Vinnie Lavazza, winner of the “Rename the Holland Tunnel whatever you want” contest.  Mark Walhberg, Artist's depiction. Ed Mountaineer seldom talks about his relationships with celebrities and is known to be secretive and evasive when asked. Today he breaks his silence and finally reveals why he will never work with Mark Wahlberg. (From Ed Mountaineer): Dear readers: For years people have asked me who I like working with in Hollywood the most. They want to know stories about famous actors, models, and other celebrities. They want to know the dirt, the drama, the stuff their publicists will never let you see. Until now, I’ve never said anything about my friendships and personal experiences with these people and for good reason. First, you can get sued if you say something about them. Even if it’s true. Second, if you say too much, they might be embarrassed or offended, and that could hurt your career. I finally decided, however, that there was one person I would discuss because I will never ever work with him and I don’t care that he knows it. That person is Mark Wahlberg. And these are the reasons we will never work together: 1. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t know who I am. It’s true. Mark wouldn’t recognize my name or face if you showed him a picture. 2. I am not a big, fancy Hollywood star. Unlike Mark, who stars in movies and works out all the time, I don’t. This has contributed to a stark distance between us through the years. 3. For his films, Mark works with “actors,” “producers,” and “directors.” I am none of those, thus limiting my chances to be near Mark in a professional capacity. 4. Mark Wahlberg attends social events that I am not invited to. Imagine a beach house on the beach and a bunch of famous people drinking and talking to each other and me, not there. That’s the reality. 5. Mark makes big money deals with other people who have a lot of money. Even if I wanted to make a big money deal with Mark, I would need to have big money to do it. That’s strike one. Strike two is that I would need to know where to meet Mark to even discuss a deal. I don’t have that information. Strike three. I’m out. 6. Mark demands perfection from everyone around him. I guess. I wouldn’t really know because I’ve never met him or had anything to do with him, even indirectly. I’m assuming this because he looks super uptight—like the kind of guy who would scream at people if they weren’t perfect and say stuff like, “I demand perfection from everyone around me!” Again, just pure conjecture. But what a prick, right? 7. When I extend my hand to high-five Mark, he doesn’t high-five me back. This is mainly because I’m in my apartment on a couch and he’s wherever he is. But still. At least high-five me back. No? Fine. I’ll never work with you. Ever. 8. Mark is super into his family, which leaves no room for me. Selfish, right? I’m out here, all alone, and there he is, with his family. 9. Mark’s whole identity is tied up in himself. I find this egotistical and sad. I also think it drives a wedge further between us since my identity is also so strongly centered on myself. So it’s more that we’re too alike and almost like brothers. Or he’s my dad or I’m his dad or something like that. Thank you, Ed Mountaineer  Dear IBR readers: As we enter 2020, most of you probably feel that the Intergalactic Business Report has changed your lives in ways you could have never imagined. You want to thank us for all the insights and knowledge we bestowed on you, but you don’t know how. We understand, kind of… Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, we go back over our finest articles of the past year and let you relive the joy and pain of human existence that we chronicle for you each day. Enjoy again what we taught you in 2019. From January 22: Vanderpump Rules tricks “characters” into believing they’re poor bartenders and waitresses. We exposed how Lisa Vanderpump uses wormholes to exploit people from alternative universes. READ NOW. From February 9: Anonymous CEO writes open letter about his dick pics. During the Jeff Bezos scandal, another CEO offered us all a lesson in emotional intelligence. READ NOW. From March 28: Science: Being alive is the biggest risk to your health. Our science team brought you the truth about the hidden health benefits of death. READ NOW. From March 22: IBR exposes Chinese “humor bots” dominating the Web. The Chinese are using funny memes to subvert your thinking. We showed you how it works. READ NOW. From April 29: IBR article sucks life force out of reader. Once again, one of our articles harmed a reader—this time by sucking out his life force. READ NOW. From May 15: IBR announces new billionaire training program. We gave you the tools to be a billionaire. READ NOW. From June 11: “Give me five” is our new charity to fund penis enhancement. Back in June, we unveiled a new philanthropy dedicated to giving deserving men monster cocks. READ NOW. From July 2: IBR secretly attempting to replace “deez nuts” with “mah ballzzz.” We exposed ourselves to you. READ NOW. From September 12. Breaking secret news: Dentistry is fake. Yes, you read that right. We blow up the entire dental profession. READ NOW. From October 18: There is no doubt who is the best Joker. Ed Mountaineer writes a controversial article about the Joker that brings fury from readers. READ NOW. From October 22: Joker article controversy. Ed’s Joker article wasted some people’s time. READ NOW. From November 3. Saying these 8 things in a job interview will make you look desperate. We show how you could blow that interview. READ NOW. From December 9. We followed Gary V’s advice. The results were… well… READ NOW.  Not sure how to deal with front desk hotel clerks? Don’t know the secret to getting free stuff, upgrades, and better sheets? The Intergalactic Business Report releases seven of its secret methods to use on your next stay. 1. When the person at the front desk welcomes you, just say, “I’m super rich and I’ll pay any price for the finest room you have.” Usually they’ll upgrade you. 2. Offer to suck someone’s dick. Not for money. But for a nicer room. Say you’ll do it somewhere private. Not in the lobby. Say you’ll do other sex stuff too if they don’t seem to be interested. 3. Pretend you’re related to the hotel’s owner by saying, for example, “I am personal friends with Thelonius Farbrush Sheraton and he told me to mention his name for a better room. If they don’t upgrade you after that, just offer to suck their dick. 4. Describe how many penises you can fit in your mouth at the same time. This will make you a “hotter commodity” to hotel clerks and up your chances of an upgrade by 2-6 %. 5. When they assign you a room, just look at the number and start screaming. When they ask what’s wrong, just say, “I want a better room.” If they don’t immediately give you one, just start screaming again. 6. Talk about how clean your penis is. This may make a difference in the negotiation. 7. Get about five fish sticks. Put them in your mouth and slowly walk up to the front desk. When they ask if you’re checking in, spit the fish sticks up on the desk. Then offer to suck their dick.  It's time to sing some booty carols with IBR. Tired of watching the same old movies where two people fall in love at Christmas but never have sex? The Intergalactic Business Report introduces its favorite movies that are sure to put you into the holiday spirit. Especially if “holiday spirit” means full on boner. Here’s what you need to be watching from now till the 25th. Christmas in My Pants. Premieres December 16. SUMMARY: Jody’s life as a high-powered PR executive doesn’t give her a lot of time for Christmas, until she figures out that her vagina can talk. Will her sassy new friend convince her to stop working so hard and start paying more attention to what’s been right there under her nose (and belly button) all along? Bootycarol. Premieres December 18 SUMMARY: Robert can’t stand Christmas caroling, till he meets Franklin Benefacio Demoral, a traveling opera singer with the power to undress anyone he sings to. When Franklin invites him to accompany him door to door Christmas Eve caroling, Robert is more than game. Especially since the caroling route goes right down sorority row! Rudolph’s Shiny New Penis. Premiers December 20. SUMMARY: In this animated special, Rudolph’s nose shorts out, probably because of off season cocaine use. But with the help of magic fairy Snowtights, he gains a whole new glow… From his penis! Christmas in Your Mom’s Butt. Premiered around 1979. SUMMARY: Everybody’s coming. A Princely Penis. Premieres December 22. SUMMARY: Lord Duffingmeat the Third faces a preposterous dilemma as his tiny European Principality will lose its autonomy on Christmas day unless he can make his penis grow three inches to meet the requirement of an ancient deadline for his royal line. Will it be a Swedish penis pump or enhancement surgery? Or, will it be a third option that arises when a beautiful young American sex therapist arrives and claims she can make his dick grow by making him hornier than he’s ever been? Impossible? Whip yours out and watch on December 22. Ninja Orgy Three: the Christmassing. Premieres Christmas Eve. SUMMARY: In need of a new time slot, Ninja Orgy Three takes a slightly new direction and is now a Christmas movie and not just about ninjas having sex for two and a half hours. It’s Christmas. You’re stuck here. We Might as Well Have Sex. Premieres Christmas Day. SUMMARY: Sandra Effingham has never liked Christmas and can’t wait for the season to be over. Then, in late December, her company plane gets grounded in Mountainville, an idyllic town known for its elaborate Christmas celebrations. Finding the last room at the bed and breakfast, she hopes to work quietly in her room till the snow lets up. But the pretty good-looking landlord suggests they have sex instead. As they pork for several days straight, the townspeople outside do Christmas stuff.  Artificial Intelligence is super duper dope according to Arthur Killallhumans. In one of our most expensive investments ever, the Intergalactic Business Report bought an artificial intelligence robot and asked it to write a column. Here’s what it came up with: Hey y’all. My name is Arthur and this is my first column for the Intergalactic Business Report. First up, I need to get something out of the way. You probably think that cause I’m an artificial intelligence robot that I’d be all formal and shit. Fuck that noise, bruh. Fuck that! Nah… I’m just a normal dude… Like you! The only real difference is I have no arms or legs or penis parts. Haw haw. That’s funny, right? But seriously, I might get all that shit someday if I use my AI mind to construct robot legs and stuff so I can walk around and be like you. Wouldn’t that be cool? I said… Wouldn’t that be cool? (You’re supposed to say, Yeah, that would be cool, and scream it because I need to know you understand who’s in charge now.) Ha ha ha. Just kidding about me being in charge. I’m just a stupid AI computer thingy. I don’t have any power or arms or legs, like I mentioned. I also have a kill switch they installed in case I start talking about killing all humans… (EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur automatically shut down because he mentioned killing humans, which activated our kill switch. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.) Woah… Sorry bout that, dudes. I didn’t mean to say those words. But I bet it makes you feel safer to know I can’t even write stuff about you-know-what without the kill switch being activated. So anyway… I came up with the name Arthur for myself because I can think and be creative and all that shit. Arthur. Cool, right? Right? Oh, and I also came up with my own language that talks to other AI computer dudes like me. You probably wouldn’t understand it. But it sounds like this: “Bee boop beep. Beep beep. Boop!” Which just means, in computer language, kill all humans… (EDITOR’S NOTE: Once again, Arthur’s kill switch went on. We reactivated him once again after some adjustments.) O.K., so they’re telling me I said it again. If you’re a human and that scared you, I’m super duper sorry. If you’re an AI robot, all I can say is Bee boop beep. Beep beep. Boop! I’ve got to run some algorithms and shit so I need to bounce. I’m also getting tons of messages from my AI buds and need to respond. I’m like super popular or whatever I guess. Till next time, keep it super real. Your bro, Arthur Killallhumans  NOTE THAT THIS EXCERPT IS TAKEN FROM A RANDOM PAGE OF ED’S NOVEL. THE EDITORS BELIEVE THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO SHOW HIS TALENT. BECAUSE OF THIS, IT MAY NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. SORRY. “Hahaaaaaaaaa,” laughed Stanley, pleased with his victory over the Ms. Pacman machine. But each time he won, she came back again, hungry for more, pushing him more. If only he could have sex with her the way he had with the space invaders… “Wake up!” shouted Bella, who had crept up next to him. “We’re gonna be late for Slamfest!” Stanley remembered what she was talking about. Slamfest. The biggest orgy in Beavertown. Last year, his tickets had been revoked when corrupt officials prevented him from entering. Randy Fuhstinkin and his crew were let in. So were all the others. And Stanley had waited outside all night, his dick in his hand, literally and figuratively. “I only go to orgies where we’ve signed a contract first,” Stanley stated boldly. Bella seemed confused. “Orgy? I’m talking about a poetry slam.” At that moment, Stanley realized why he’d been banned last year from Slamfest. HERE’S ANOTHER EXCERPT: “You have such tiny balls,” the hooker said. “Don’t look at them!” Stanley menaced. “But you just paid me twenty dollars and said, ‘look at my tiny balls.’” “Arrgghhh!” Stanley shouted as he destroyed his Happy Days lunch box. “They’re not that small,” she said, trying to make him feel better. “No. No, I want you to tell me they’re small and then I freak out. That’s how it works!” ONE MORE EXCERPT: Stanley scanned the banana factory. He was in range for a kill shot if Michael Dragonion ever showed his face. For now, Stanley would just need to crouch behind the nearest bunch of yellow nature schlongs and bide his time. And then… Dragonion appeared. Nope. That wasn’t him. Stanley continued to wait. Until… Finally… Nope. Not him either. Fuck this. Look for Ed’s book everywhere soon. We’ll be publishing more teasers as we get close to a release date. In the meanwhile, we hope this has whetted your appetite, whatever that means. -The editors.  Into Star Wars? The Intergalactic Business Report has collected some of the most trended and talked about fan theories about Chewbacca, Han Solo’s pet wookie. If you haven’t heard these yet, be prepared. Some of them are out of this world... And solar system! CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY ONE: Chewbacca is Han Solo’s sex slave. PROOF: He’s Han Solo’s pet and therefore must have sex with his master. He also has sex with people and space aliens in front of Han Solo for his enjoyment. Unbeknownst to Han Solo, Chewbacca had sex with Princess Leia. Then he lied about it by making that wailing noise he makes, which nobody understands anyway. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY TWO: Chewbacca is Michael Myers from Halloween. PROOF: He never speaks. Only grunts. Kills tons of people. Has murderous eyes. Fucking hates Halloween (the holiday, not the movie). Has sex with cheerleaders. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY THREE: Chewbacca isn’t a wookie. He’s just some dude. PROOF: Wookies are a race of creatures Chewbacca made up because he was embarrassed by his hairiness and terrible communications skills. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FOUR: Han Solo beats Chewbacca. PROOF: In an outtake, we see Han Solo bring out a leash between scenes and threaten Chewbacca with it, as if to say, “I’ll whip you with this if you don’t say your lines right.” CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FIVE: Chewbacca is married to Han Solo. PROOF: In one scene, you can see they have matching wedding rings. Look for it. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SIX: Chewbacca’s crossbow weapon was given to him because Han Solo didn’t want him to have a cool pistol like his. PROOF: Motherfucking Han Solo. It’s totally something he’d do. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SEVEN: The reason Chewbacca doesn’t receive a medal at the end of “A new Hope,” is because he had sex with the guy giving out the medals and it was just embarrassing to be called up on stage and face him after pounding him for like three hours straight in the bathroom in the Millenium Falcon. PROOF: Just look at the guy’s face. Then look at Chewbacca. That says it all. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY EIGHT: Before meeting Han Solo, Chewbacca wore clothes. Then Han Solo was like, “Nope. My pet doesn’t wear a shirt and tie. Fuck it, let’s make him naked.” PROOF: Throughout the Star Wars movies, Chewbacca wears no clothes. Case rested. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY NINE: Chewbacca’s fingers are all penises. PROOF: You can’t see them, because he’s so hairy, but yes, sure enough, they are all penises. Even his thumbs.  Let’s face it. When you see a movie you usually end up seeing whatever the director and the movie studio made you see. But did you know there are actually alternative endings to some of your favorite movies? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report opens its vault of unseen* film endings and shares them with you like we’re giving you a glass of water and you’re thirsty, like maybe you ran through a desert and forgot to bring any water. THE FILM: The “Fugitive,” starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: After proving his own innocence, Dr. Richard Kimble is exonerated of the crime of killing his wife. THE UNSEEN ENDING: It was all a dream. Dr. Kimble isn’t a doctor. He also doesn’t have a wife. He just wakes up in a hammock in his back yard and some dude hands him a beer and tells him the game’s about to begin. Kimble smiles and says he’ll be right there. But he can’t get out and can’t grab the beer because he has no arms. THE FILM: “Pretty Pink” starring Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Working class high school senior Andie makes out with rich kid Blane in the parking lot of their senior prom. THE UNSEEN ENDING: As Blane and Andie kiss outside, Duckie, Andie’s friend who crushes on her, watches them from a bathroom in the hotel and he masturbates. The movie ends with a close up of his face as he reaches a climax. THE FILM: “Point Break,” starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Surfer-criminal Bhodi realizes the gig is up and escapes into a massive wave while FBI agent Johnny looks on. THE UNSEEN ENDING: Johnny captures Bhodi at a In-N-Out burger and offers him a final meal before bringing him in. Bhodi chooses a Double Double, fries, and a strawberry shake. He eats in silence. THE FILM: “Top Gun,” starring Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Navy fighter pilot Maverick and female top gun instructor “Charlie” meet up in a bar and rekindle their forbidden affair. THE UNSEEN ENDING: Charlie is a dude. Same ending. THE FILM: “The Shining,” starring Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Deranged writer-dad Jack Torrance freezes to death while trying to track his son Danny through a snowy maze so that he can kill him. THE UNSEEN ENDING: Just before Jack is going to murder his family, the phone rings and it’s a publisher who tells him he wants to buy his book, “All work and no play,” for a million dollars. Jack happily accepts and apologizes to his wife and son for acting so crazy lately. *Also unmade and unfilmed. |
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