 The Intergalactic Business Report’s own dating and relationship expert, Tessa Miggs, tells our readers to stop going on Tinder and try this instead. See her column below:
As a dating expert for more than five years, the most common question I receive is whether I want to meet up somewhere for a drink and then maybe have sex. And that’s from my boss. From everyone else it’s more like, How do you find true love in a world of Tinder hookups? Today I have that answer and instead of charging for it, I’m going to straight up tell you. I’m not going to say you need to be patient or selective or even safe about the choices you make when you meet people romantically. And I’m not going to waste your time by telling you that even though instant hookups are easy, they’re also shallow and skip the vetting process that was once known as courtship. Oh, and that courtship served a purpose where you got to know someone beyond just their dick or vagina and the small talk and the drinks and the dicks and vaginas. All of that is nonsense made up by people who are trying to bore you till you fall asleep and they can molest you. Right? Anyway, after going through tons and tons of Tinder dates, I finally realized one thing, and that’s what I’m sharing with you today. All those dudes. All those dicks… I guess what I’m saying is that after 72 straight nights of meeting random men and sometimes just saying fuck it I don’t even want to meet up for drinks first, just tell me where you live, I discovered something I probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t slept with all of them and made them not even work for it—not even a little. I’m going to turn twenty-nine. Twenty-fucking-nine. What the fuck happened to all those years? Like yesterday I was in a sorority and Tinder wasn’t even a thing. Now some people are telling me it’s not even a thing now and that I’m the only one on it. Which can’t be true because all those dudes I meet are clearly on it, so how would that even be possible? Then it’s like I’m the dumb crack-smoking whore because I’m still single and all my friends have husbands or serious boyfriends or some shit? One of my friends told me she met her husband at a library. At a fucking library? Were you there to read books or something? What the fuck is that even about? I’ve got a book recommendation. It’s called the big pop up book of my fat cooter. Wanna read it? I’m serious. I published it last week. You can actually read it. It’s one big page. Of my cooter. Whoops I almost forgot about my advice. Yup, I lost it. Does your fucking memory end at twenty-nine too? Anyway, buy the cooter book. Tessa Miggs is the relationship and dating expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. She can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com  We’ve all heard the term “ugly American” when it comes to discussions about U.S. citizens behaving badly in foreign countries. But when we asked loyal readers of the Intergalactic Business Report for their travel stories, we were floored by their zany tales of misunderstandings, miscalculations, and near misses. Read their descriptions of international incidents that almost happened.
“I was in Portugul or something (I can’t remember which) and some guy offered me an American hot dog. I said sure and then I realized it was his penis inside the bun.” “I didn’t understand that in Italy if you tell ‘your mama’ jokes they think you’re actually talking about their mother and not a fictional character who isn’t really related to them. So when I told this guy I fucked his mother, and that she was a total whore and didn’t even ask for money, he stabbed me.” “I guess you can’t order turkey in Turkey. I figured they’d have the best. Nope.” “If you feel like wrestling someone in an Asian country, you need to ask their permission first and maybe explain what you’re doing. Otherwise, there’s this whole screaming thing and calling the police.” “Apparently in England the phrase, ‘you dumb twat’ translates into something else, because everyone wanted to kick my ass when I said it.” “Don’t piss on sunbathers in Croatia. That’s all I can say…” “I was in a bus with a bunch of screaming Spaniards. They were so fucking loud that you couldn’t even concentrate while you’re trying to take a dump on the floor. I guess that’s a cultural difference.” “I got the French words for penis and school bus mixed up when I was in Aix-en-Provence and ended up showing my penis to people on a school bus.”  A recent Buzzfeed article collected questions British and Americans had about each other. We thought that sounded like an exercise that required little or no effort, so we did the same and interviewed both British and American people to see what they wanted answered about each other’s cultures. Here’s what we came up with.
Question British people have for Americans. “Oi, Guv’ner, me thinks I’ll ride me pirate ship o’er for some fish n chips?” Question Americans have for British people. “Is Bangers and Mash the British version of Tango and Cash?” Question British people have for Americans. “Why do Americans have such gigantic penises? How’s that even possible?” Question Americans have for British people. “What’s the deal with the small penis size of all the British? You’d think some of them would have dicks that weren’t tiny. I don’t get it.” Question British people have for Americans. “What the fuck is popcorn? And why do you eat it at movie theatres?” Question Americans have for British people. “Is Poppycock something you eat?” Question British people have for Americans. “Everything that comes out of my mouth sounds condescending and as if I’m a villain in a cartoon. But when I hear Americans speak, they just sound normal. How do you do that?” Question Americans have for British people. “The accent isn’t real, right? There’s no way you’d speak that way normally.” Question British people have for Americans. “Can I please move to your country and leave this place? I promise I’ll stop talking like this.” Question Americans have for British people. “Your money is the pound. If I take someone from England to pound town is that like going to the bank?” Question British people have for Americans. “Please sir, may I have more porridge?”  If you tuned in to ABC’s the Bachelor Monday night, you witnessed Clayton Echard (pronounced Itch-Hard) take bachelorette Susie on a fairy-tale inspired date through romantic Vienna. As usual, the event included an intimate dinner at a tiny table stolen from a little girl’s tea party, in which the enormous Clayton and his I’ve-spent-sixteen-hours-of-my-life-with-you-and-I-think-I-love-you companion squeezed into a camera shot and never touched their food.
When they were done not eating, the couple waltzed (get it?) into an adjoining room and slow-danced to Chris de Burgh’s “The Lady in Red,” sung by a creepy old man at a piano nearby. Wait a second, that creepy old man is Chris de Burgh, from the 80’s, only now he’s super old and Clayton and Susie have zero idea who he is. Yet they dance on to a song they’ve probably never heard, which ends with de Burgh whispering, “I love you,” presumably to Susie, who is donning a long, flowy red dress. After witnessing this event, culture writers at the Intergalactic Business Report immediately asked themselves the question: “How the fuck did this happen?” and, “Was Ready 4 the World not available to sing Love you Down?” Using a proprietary journalistic technique in which we ascertain information that does not exist, we recovered a transcript of the meeting that led to de Burgh being booked. We share it below: ABC PRODUCER: Chris, thanks for meeting with us. CHRIS DEBURGH (CBD): My pleasure. ABC PRODUCER: First off, have you ever heard of the ABC show the Bachelor? CBD: Hmmm. I don’t watch a lot of tely (British for television). ABC PRODUCER: It’s a very popular show in the U.S. with versions of it airing around the world. CBD: I still haven’t heard of it. What’s it about? ABC PRODUCER: A man, the bachelor, dates a large group of women and each week he eliminates some until, at the end, he finds his true love and asks her to marry him. CBD: Go on... ABC PRODUCER: We thought you’d appear in an episode in Vienna, in which the bachelor takes a woman on a date and ends up in a room where you sing, “The Lady in Red.” CBD: I love it. So this bachelor really likes my music, eh? ABC PRODUCER: Uh… He probably isn’t familiar. That song is from like 1986. CBD: Then why would you have me sing it? ABC PRODUCER: Because his date is going to be wearing a red dress. CBD: Oh, me gets it. (British for “I get it.”) ABC PRODUCER: So, they’ll just walk in and you’ll be at a piano and then you start singing. CBD: Maybe I should introduce myself first. Like say, “Hello, my name is Chris de Burgh. I have a song I wrote a while ago and I’d like to sing it for you tonight. I think it will be perfect for the occasion.” ABC PRODUCER: Yes! Yes. That… Or, you’re just there, at the piano. And you start singing. CBD: Aren’t they going to wonder who I am? ABC PRODUCER: Probably. But that doesn’t matter. CBD: It doesn’t matter who I am? ABC PRODUCER: I mean, of course it does. Just not in this context. CBD: Not in this context? ABC PRODUCER: The bachelorette, the woman, is wearing a red dress. So… CBD: Right. So the song is very fitting. ABC PRODUCER: Exactly! CBD: Then why not just play the song? While they dance. Why do you need me? ABC PRODUCER: We think it would be more romantic if a 74-year-old man sang it with no explanation to the couple of who you are. CBD: O.K. O.K. Got it. I just am there. Bam! They open the door and walk in, and I glare at them for a moment and then begin singing. ABC PRODUCER: That’s what we need. CBD: At the end of the song, I whisper, “I love you.” Uh, who am I saying that to? ABC PRODUCER: We want to leave that a little open-ended, so it could mean either of them? CBD: I see. ABC PRODUCER: Also, we feel that because neither of these people were even born in 1986, and have no idea what the song is, they may feel the whole “I love you” thing is an ad lib, or that you’re just saying it to one of them spontaneously. CBD: Right. As if I actually mean it in the moment. ABC PRODUCER: Yes, this is going to be so great. CBD: I want to mean it. ABC PRODUCER: You want to mean it? CBD: I want to actually fall in love with one of them before the end of the song and then announce that love. ABC PRODUCER: Uh… O.K. CBD: It has to be authentic. ABC PRODUCER: Uh… Sure. Sure. CBD: Let’s talk money. ABC PRODUCER: We’re willing to pay you 75 Million dollars. CBD: Deal. I love you. ABC PRODUCER: You do? CBD: Just practicing! ABC PRODUCER: Wow. That really is authentic!  After reading an article about how America basically sucks, we decided to respond with our own, American responses “foreigners” aren’t ready to hear and they should buckle up (with their American-invented seat belts they wouldn’t have without us) because our opinions about them are brutal.
Redditor u/jaycool74 asked non-Americans, "What's something us Americans aren't ready to hear?" Here are some of the top-voted responses with our responses to those responses: 1. "You are the 'foreigner' for me and around 220 countries."--u/TaikoLeagueReddit "Apparently, they aren't ready to hear that people from countries that aren't 'America' don't consider themselves as being from 'foreign' countries." --u/adlcp IBR RESPONSE: “Why do people from foreign countries always say that?” 2. "American bathroom stalls are exposed AF. A grown man could crawl under one of 'em, and the vertical gap has a big enough gap to make full-on eye contact with anyone walking by."--u/CowDeer IBR RESPONSE: “Only a weird foreigner like you would even think of doing that…” 3. "Many other countries get minimum four weeks of paid vacation leave for employees and paid maternity leave — even for the father."--u/Zahliamischa IBR RESPONSE: “We call it paternity leave in our country. Maybe that’s the confusion.” 4. "The amount of food you waste is wild."--u/Commercial_Quarter_6 IBR RESPONSE: “Can you repeat that? We couldn’t hear because we were stuffing this double cheeseburger in our mouth. Oh, fuck it. We’re not that hungry right now anyway. We’ll just toss this onto the highway. Go on please.” 5. "Treating your president like someone you worship is bizarre. As an Aussie, I don’t understand worshipping the royals, either."--u/Appropriate_Sun6311 IBR RESPONSE: “And yet you worship the Bee Gees?” 6. "The US is a great place to be rich and a bad place to be poor."--u/IllustriousGuard1943 IBR RESPONSE: “And in your country, it’s awesome to be poor?” 7. "The quality of your fast food is absolutely horrible compared to that of Canada’s. I’m referring to the same chains: Burger King, McDonald's, etc."--u/earthmang2two IBR RESPONSE: “Well, we better get on the road and head north till we hit some of that great Canadian Burger King food.” 8."You DO have an accent."--u/imakeverylittlemoney IBR RESPONSE: “Vat vas dat? Deed you say vee have an ahkzent? Okay den…” 9."School shootings are an almost uniquely American problem. The rest of the world is disgusted. Truly. The need for children to practice ‘active shooter drills’ is an unfathomable sci-fi dystopian horror for us."--u/JessieOwl IBR RESPONSE: “What does the ‘rest of the world’ have instead? Active kidnapping, public execution, run for your lives, terrorist train stabbing/killing humorists/beheading priests drills?” 10. "TURN THE VOLUME DOWN — YOU'RE TOO LOUD."--u/captainsnacks11 "Americans can always be identified before you see them by their loud voices. I grew up in America, moved to Ireland around 12 years ago, and have learned quite a bit in my time. Now, I see these fresh-off-the-boat American tourists shouting all the time, and I just think, 'Was I that bad?' and 'Why are they so loud?'" --u/ultratunaman IBR RESPONSE: “Maybe we should emulate those soft-spoken, non-violent, sober Irishmen who are so damned quiet when they stab you for making eye contact with them.” 11. "Forcing students to go into debt for further education is disgusting. One should be able to get more education without having to risk never financially recovering."--u/uckin_anti_pope IBR RESPONSE: “Your cool foreign education led you to use the reddit tag ‘uckin anti pope.’ At least it was free?” 12. "You all eat too much sugar."--u/whtsinthename "I lived in the US for six months. Shortly after moving, I bought a loaf of bread and made a sandwich, but it was so sweet! I told my housemates that I think I’d accidentally bought a dessert bread. They tried it. NOPE — regular bread. It was just FULL of sugar!" --u/goldboldsold IBR RESPONSE: “If you liked that, we can also get you a shitload of salt for cheap.” 13. "Tipping in America is BS. Owners of restaurants and places need to pay normal wages." IBR RESPONSE: “You just lost your tip.” 14. "Your education system is far worse than you think." --u/mdsMW "Not just worse, but also really, really bad in terms of metrics and history." --u/BeastmasterBG IBR RESPONSE: “Can you imagine how much more we’d dominate your country if we had a good educational system?” 15. "Not everyone speaks English in the rest of the world. Learn another language; it's good for the soul and the brain." IBR RESPONSE: “Just like you learned English?” 16. "The World Series only happens in the US."--u/Kommonwealth IBR RESPONSE: “And yet you know what it is…” 17. "If you tell me you're Polish, but you were born in USA, never went to Poland, never learned the language, and you don't give a f*ck? Yeah, you're not Polish — you're American. Same goes for any other nationality."--u/Robert_Kurwica "Just because your grandma or whatever was Irish/Italian/German etc., doesn’t mean you’re Irish/Italian/German etc. — and that’s okay." --u/TheAndorran IBR RESPONSE: “Maybe we should just start saying, ‘man you won’t believe the shit hole country my grandma was from before she escaped and moved here.’” BONUS RESPONSE: “Did you hear the one about the Polish guy who didn’t think Polish people were from Poland?” 18. "We aren't jealous of you, like, at all." IBR RESPONSE: “Why is it all the countries in the world that don’t care about the U.S. and aren’t jealous of us have to get together to tell us how much they don’t care about us and how they aren’t jealous of us?”  Not Ed Mountaineer. But it's a picture of a dude looking at a computer, which Ed does too. The Intergalactic Business Report often gives out columnists' contact information at the end of articles, just in case someone wants to get in touch, complain, or learn more. If you’ve ever read anything by Ed Mountaineer, you know he likes to have sex with funnel cakes and has deep-seeded issues with Ryan Reynolds.
Despite this, someone wrote an email to Ed. We have printed it below with Ed’s response in red. SUBJECT: Ed Please Don't Leave Me Hanging in 2022 Hi Ed, I realize schedules can fill up quickly but is there a time that works for you and your team to discuss how our dedicated team of software engineers can help you build custom software solutions? Hi Bryan, this is a sex thing, right? Cool. Just checking. Yeah, my “schedule” fills up real quickly. Yes, I would like to do a tag team with your engineers and see if they can build me a solution to relieving my painful boner that won’t go away. To break the ice, we suggest on-boarding our resource for a 40 hour trial period to start your collaboration with Us. This would allow you to see our engineers in action with minimum risks and no obligations. Oh fuck yeah. Break that motherfucking ice, Bryan. On-board my ass. Do it hard. 40 hours? Shit. Yes, I want to see your engineers have sex in front of me. And I appreciate that there are no strings and I can detach myself emotionally and am not under contract to be a slave or whatever. If this is something you’d be interested in exploring further over a brief call, let me know what time works best for you and I’ll share the calendar invite. Not only am I interested, but I will show up at your house. Fuck the calendar invite and the phone call. I am ready to party. Regards, Bryan xxxx (redacted) Manager Customer Success xxxx (redacted) intend not to be bothered simply react with unsubscribe Yeah… What the fuck does that mean?  Yeah it’s Rhoda Bloom again and Thanksgiving is only a few days away. This is usually the time when I hear “friends” and “family” say how much they’re looking forward to the holidays and I’m already doing that thing where you press really hard on your leg till it gets as numb as your desire to be with family and friends at the holidays.
You may have noticed I put those words, “friends” and “family” in quotations. That’s because I don’t have any friends and my family members are the people I sit with and tune out like they’re ghosts and I’m on a scary old pirate ship by myself and trying to pretend they’re not there so I don’t scream. I’m sure that whoever you are is great and that you’re planning a sumptuous Thanksgiving day with people who love you. Except that when you really think about it, they’re just there to put up with you for a few hours and then get in their cars and talk about how much you suck and then laugh about it. Do you know at the actual first Thanksgiving they didn’t even talk to each other and both groups were like, “Are they going to kill me?” and the whole time they also thought, “Should we just kill these motherfuckers? Should we fucking do it? Because if we don’t they’re going to fucking kill us first.” Just speculating, but that’s pretty much what I assume my “family” is thinking the whole time we eat too. I’m writing a screenplay about a girl who’s dying of a terminal disease but then it turns out everyone on the planet has the same disease and she’s just the first one to figure it out. Sorry. That has nothing to do with Thanksgiving except that I guess everyone in that fictional world would have a pretty shitty one or not even make it to Thanksgiving depending on what month I decide to set it in. O.K. I just did it. January. So they're all dead by mid September. Except maybe one guy who’s immune, and he spends Thanksgiving all by himself, as the last man on Earth and he pretty much feels the same as I do every Thanksgiving. For the past few months I’ve also been thinking that maybe Thanksgiving is just a fucked up test that the aliens put into the simulation we’re all living in. Like they want us to be thankful for the hellish fake world they created for us and then when we talk about how great it is to be alive they sit there and go, “Yeah, they’re all masochists. Let’s make this more hellish.” But after that I start thinking there’s no way we’re in a simulation because that would mean there was some kind of actual control over things instead of everything being random crap like turducken and Neapolitan ice cream and Florida. Anyway, do you even know how to cook a fucking turkey? Just a question, but there’s no way you do. And if you do know, then that means you understand how to pull things out of its butthole and baste it and stuff it and then baste it again with the inseminator tool. And what does that say about you? Sorry. Not judging. Just speculating that cooking the turkey might be a weird sex thing you’re into and not about being thankful for anything other than you getting to sexually assault a dead turkey with your fist. Again, not judging. It’s less fucked up than what I’m into, which is just slowly picturing myself dead every second of my life until I finally am. I guess with that, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving? Enjoy your holiday. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at info@intergalacticbiz.com.  A recent article exposed celebrities by collecting insights from Reddit users who, through their power of intuition, are able to sense what celebrities are like in real life as opposed to the images they try to project. We thought this was so insightful that we asked Intergalactic Business Report readers to do the same. And, wow. Just… wow. We found out shit about celebrities you would never believe. See what we discovered below:
Kevin Hart. “I don’t know. He seems nice, but then that’s probably just an act. When I look at him, there’s something behind his eyes that’s saying, ‘I’m a dick in real life.’” -u/moneyshot69 Ryan Reynolds. “He’s Canadian, but then he acts American? Fake.” -u/edmountaineer Paris Hilton. “She’s smart and not dumb. I can tell.” -u/freewaystreaker Gordon Ramsay. “He yells at people on all his shows, but there’s no way he can yell 24 hours a day so there’s probably a time when he’s not and he seems nice.” -u/ballsquezzzzzer Ryan Reynolds. “He’s always smiling in photos and if he’s not, he’s just kind of staring at you or something. Creepy.” -u/edmountaineer Country singers. “The vast majority of country singers don’t even fuck their cousins.” -u/manballzzz420 The Rock. “Just a total gut feeling and no proof to back this up whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure he fucks stray cats.” -u/catfucker247 Ryan Reynolds. “He seems like the kind of guy who has a lot of celebrity friends who won’t talk to you because they don’t know you.” -u/edmountaineer JLo. “I don’t know…I think she’s different in real life than when I see her portraying characters in movies and singing and stuff.” -u/wizardboner4u Ryan Reynolds. “He acts like he’s nice, but just try to contact him by typing his name into your cheap ass Mint Mobile phone. He’s never there.” -u/edmountaineer Kanye West. “He sings songs and stuff. No way is he like that in real life.” -u/buttstuffing Ryan Reynolds. “I have poops that are less stuck up than Ryan Reynolds.” -u/edmountaineer  In recent years the idea of choosing your own pronoun has become commonplace in many institutions and businesses. Signature lines now include a short list after someone’s name that may say, “he, his, him,” or “they, their, them” for those who don't want to be identified in binary gender terms.
While pronoun requests are a hot topic in culture debates, new trends are competing for acceptance in our everyday parlance. We spoke with critical studies professor Charles DeMize about some upcoming culturally sensitive grammar changes. INTERVIEWER: You spoke to me a little earlier about “tense” and how this is the new choice people must make in how they see themselves. Can you explain a bit about this? CHARLES DeMIZE: The idea that time is linear is a Western, white male construct. Your tense may be even more important than your pronoun because it positions you in your reality, which is your sense of being on a much higher level. INTERVIEWER: So, like your pronoun, you would also choose the tense people should associate with you? CHARLES DeMIZE: Correct. For example, someone might identify in the past by using “was, were,” in the present with “am, is,” or in the future with “will be.” INTERVIEWER: So, when you speak to someone who identifies as being in the past tense, you use only past tense when referring to him or her? CHARLES DeMIZE: Or them. INTERVIEWER: Right, of course. CHARLES DeMIZE: If, for example, I used the somewhat archaic construction of, “Cindy went to the store and bought herself a soda,” I would now say for a non-binary future tense person, “Cindy will go to the store and will buy them a soda.” INTERVIEWER: Even if that all happened in the past? CHARLES DeMIZE: Again, we are not constraining ourselves to the linearity of time. In Cindy’s view, they live in the future. INTERVIEWER: Who is “they”? CHARLES DeMIZE: Cindy. INTERVIEWER: Who’s on first? Ha ha. CHARLES DeMize: Abbot and Costello were racist. INTERVIEWER: Of course. Yes, I know that. Let me ask you, what is your tense? CHARLES DeMize: It shifts, maybe three or four times a day, but that’s just me. I will take a present tense in the morning, and will shift to future, then back to present, and then I will spend the afternoon and evening being in the past. It all depends. Some days I will be entirely in the past, particularly when my high school reunion is looming, for instance. INTERVIEWER: Do you feel like the use of personal tenses and turning plural pronouns into singulars could make basic communication untenable? CHARLES DeMize: Yes, if you are a white supremacist. INTERVIEWER: What’s next on the horizon? Are there any other grammar trends we should be aware of? CHARLES DeMize: Conjunctions I believe will be very important in the next year or two. INTERVIEWER: Conjunctions? CHARLES DeMize: Yes, I firmly believe that the way we connect words has great societal meaning and that people will begin to choose their preferred way of doing so to convey their positions on a variety of issues. INTERVIEWER: Do you mean conjunctions like “and” and “but”? CHARLES DeMize: “And” is an inclusive conjunction. “But” is negative and often used to exclude or diminish others. For example, one could say, “I love cats and dogs,” or you could say, “I love cats, but I am a white supremacist.” Using the conjunction “nor” could imply arrogance, because it is something generally associated with 18th century British sea captains whose world view probably includes using ethnic slurs we wouldn’t even recognize today. The same goes for “whereas” and “yet.” “Provided” implies privilege since only those with provisions can provide for anyone and that would mean they had accumulated wealth that they arrogantly bestow upon others at their discretion, thus being at odds with a world view of equality, sharing, and mobs of people finding where the rich store all their stuff and just taking it. INTERVIEWER: Considering that all words could have some kind of political or social meaning, even if we just said that saying a word is discriminatory against people who are unable to speak, do we find ourselves on a slippery slope in which no one will be able to say anything and if they do it will just be nonsense? CHARLES DeMIZE: Speaking is discriminatory. INTERVIEWER: It’s been a pleasure having you here today, Professor DeMize. CHARLES DeMIZE: By saying it is a “pleasure” and then saying you “had me” means that you are a mental rapist violating me by projecting unwanted sex scenarios into your sentence. INTERVIEWER: I apologize. Could you tell me what an appropriate sign off for an interview should be? CHARLES DeMIZE: Yes. Say this next time: “…” INTERVIEWER: I didn’t get that. What did you say? CHARLES DeMIZE: I said: “….” INTERVIEWER: You didn’t say anything. CHARLES DeMIZE: Exactly. INTERVIEWER: So, should we just stop speaking? Is that the most socially sensitive thing to do? CHARLES DeMIZE: …. INTERVIEWER: I get it. You’re saying nothing. CHARLES DeMIZE: … INTERVIEWER: So I should just stop saying anything too. I get it. And then we just kind of sit here and… CHARLES DeMIZE: … INTERVIEWER: … CHARLES DeMIZE: … INTERVIEWER: …  Not even close to what Rhoda Bloom looks like. Rhoda. Bloom. I separated my name with a period because that’s the most creative I’m going to get for the rest of my life, which will probably be short. In my last column, I even assumed I would be dead by now. But guess what? I’m still just living the nightmare and waiting to get sideswiped by a horrifying medical diagnosis or a natural disaster where everyone I know has to say, “Oh my god. Rhoda Bloom lives there. Do you think she’s dead? Yeah. Rhoda Bloom. You don’t remember her? She was that weird girl nobody liked. Yeah, my sister, Rhoda Bloom.”
Speaking of natural disasters, I read an article about how a comet is coming straight for our planet. I kept skipping ahead so I could find the part where it says it won’t hit for 50 million years, but it wasn’t there. So, we’re all going to die. Whatever. Meanwhile, I guess my COVID vaccine is wearing off. When the comet hits I’ll probably be wondering if I have the virus or just a really shitty cold where I also shit my pants. And I’ll have a rash too I guess. Probably in my ass, and the doctor will be like, “No one ever gets it there,” and then we’ll just watch the comet make impact from his doctor’s office window and he’ll be the last person I spend time with on Earth, which sucks for him. There’s also the UFO stuff, of course. Those interplanetary motherfuckers are apparently all over the place and instead of being worried, we just take videos of them and post them and everyone’s like, “Hey, check out this Tik Tok of a UFO.” I’m assuming the aliens are freaked out by that, kind of like if you walk into a bar holding a huge gun and everyone just kind of turns and looks at you and then keeps drinking. I guess we’ve got that going for us. At least until they fire that metaphorical gun, which is probably like a hand-held super nuclear laser beam that also gives you COVID. Speaking of Tik Tok, I guess if you look at it, the Chinese government controls your phone? But we keep doing it because we like twelve second videos of teenagers doing stuff nobody understands except teenagers and even they seem a little confused but don’t really care because I guess that’s the point? Does anyone get this at all? In some good news, everybody dies. That kind of evens everything out. In some other good news, I just watched a show called “Squid Game” where poor people play childhood playground games against each other and get killed if they fuck up. If you end up winning all the games it means everyone else died but you get to be a multi-millionaire. I really related to the fucking up and dying part and also the part where when you die you don’t get any of the money and it goes to someone else who wanted it more than you. Inflation is going to be horrible, according to experts. Higher inflation means everything’s going to cost a lot more. Except death. Death will always be cheap. Anyway, I guess I’m done writing. I need to check my Twitter feed where I just saw that everything in the entire world sucks. I think there are some links to articles. Instagram has some new pictures of successful people telling me to stop worrying what other people think of me so I can reach my goals. But I’m on Instagram because my goal is to have everyone like me. And my high school reunion is coming up according to Facebook and the theme is bikini beach party, so I guess that’ll delay the comet from hitting. Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at info@intergalacticbiz.com. |
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