These stars need to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame immediately or the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks.
Each year, new inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame are revealed and each year you sit and think, “Whitney Houston and the Notorious B.I.G are rock acts?”
Because the Hall of Fame field is obviously open to anyone who ever sang a song or played an instrument, the Intergalactic Business Report shares its own list of musicians who should be inducted immediately.
ARTIST: Carl Douglas.
REASON: The “Kung Fu Fighting” singer sang the song “Kung Fu Fighting” which was about people Kung Fu Fighting. But not just some people. Everyone. Every single person, presumably on the planet. All fighting. Kung Fu. That’s a hell of a lot of people.
ARTIST: Carl Weathers.
REASON: If Carl Douglas makes it then Carl Weathers does too.
ARTIST: Tubbs from Miami Vice
REASON: Also known as Phillip Michael Thomas, Tubbs ran the International Psychic Network, which promised him he’d be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame someday. So now he could say, “It was just as you predicted” to the scary woman with glitter hair who controls him.
REASON: The Swedish supergroup sang “Cherokee,” about the plight of a displaced Native-American tribe who lived in the desert, even though they didn’t.
ARTIST: James Spader.
REASON: For his outstanding musical performance in the critically acclaimed film Tuff Turf
ARTIST: Rampal, master of the Pan Flute.
REASON: He’s the fucking MASTER. Not just some dick who plays the pan flute as a hobby or to get girls.
ARTIST: Don Johnson.
REASON: Like Tubbs, Don Johnson sang music. His hit “Heartbeat” is about him hauling a huge movie camera through Vietnam and New York City while he avoids explosions and stalks women.
As of January 1, the Dutch government declared they will no longer recognize “Holland” as synonymous with “the Netherlands.” Unfortunately, this short-sighted move has far-reaching ramifications for our planet. We list them below:
1. Hollandaise sauce will now be known as, “Nether Scrunch Feed.”
2. British actor Tom Holland is now “Tom the Netherlands.”
3. The city of Holland, Michigan, in the United States, will be destroyed by the Dutch army, leaving only a crater and some stray Mentos.
4. For now, Dutch Boy paint is safe. As is the “Dutch oven.” But some experts worry that the Netherlands will soon also ban the term “Dutch,” returning the Dutch oven to its clinical name of “fart containment chamber.”
5. Holland America Cruises are now called “All-inclusive Euro Skank Barges.”
6. Jazz Musician Dave Holland is now David Abramowitz Jr.
7. The color “Holland Blue” has been changed to “Blueish.”
8. The Holland Tunnel connecting New York City and New Jersey will now be known as “Vinnie Lavazza’s Butthole” named after Vinnie Lavazza, winner of the “Rename the Holland Tunnel whatever you want” contest.
Ed Mountaineer seldom talks about his relationships with celebrities and is known to be secretive and evasive when asked. Today he breaks his silence and finally reveals why he will never work with Mark Wahlberg.
(From Ed Mountaineer):
For years people have asked me who I like working with in Hollywood the most. They want to know stories about famous actors, models, and other celebrities. They want to know the dirt, the drama, the stuff their publicists will never let you see.
Until now, I’ve never said anything about my friendships and personal experiences with these people and for good reason. First, you can get sued if you say something about them. Even if it’s true. Second, if you say too much, they might be embarrassed or offended, and that could hurt your career.
I finally decided, however, that there was one person I would discuss because I will never ever work with him and I don’t care that he knows it. That person is Mark Wahlberg. And these are the reasons we will never work together:
1. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t know who I am. It’s true. Mark wouldn’t recognize my name or face if you showed him a picture.
2. I am not a big, fancy Hollywood star. Unlike Mark, who stars in movies and works out all the time, I don’t. This has contributed to a stark distance between us through the years.
3. For his films, Mark works with “actors,” “producers,” and “directors.” I am none of those, thus limiting my chances to be near Mark in a professional capacity.
4. Mark Wahlberg attends social events that I am not invited to. Imagine a beach house on the beach and a bunch of famous people drinking and talking to each other and me, not there. That’s the reality.
5. Mark makes big money deals with other people who have a lot of money. Even if I wanted to make a big money deal with Mark, I would need to have big money to do it. That’s strike one. Strike two is that I would need to know where to meet Mark to even discuss a deal. I don’t have that information. Strike three. I’m out.
6. Mark demands perfection from everyone around him. I guess. I wouldn’t really know because I’ve never met him or had anything to do with him, even indirectly. I’m assuming this because he looks super uptight—like the kind of guy who would scream at people if they weren’t perfect and say stuff like, “I demand perfection from everyone around me!” Again, just pure conjecture. But what a prick, right?
7. When I extend my hand to high-five Mark, he doesn’t high-five me back. This is mainly because I’m in my apartment on a couch and he’s wherever he is. But still. At least high-five me back. No? Fine. I’ll never work with you. Ever.
8. Mark is super into his family, which leaves no room for me. Selfish, right? I’m out here, all alone, and there he is, with his family.
9. Mark’s whole identity is tied up in himself. I find this egotistical and sad. I also think it drives a wedge further between us since my identity is also so strongly centered on myself. So it’s more that we’re too alike and almost like brothers. Or he’s my dad or I’m his dad or something like that.
Dear IBR readers:
As we enter 2020, most of you probably feel that the Intergalactic Business Report has changed your lives in ways you could have never imagined. You want to thank us for all the insights and knowledge we bestowed on you, but you don’t know how. We understand, kind of…
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, we go back over our finest articles of the past year and let you relive the joy and pain of human existence that we chronicle for you each day. Enjoy again what we taught you in 2019.
From January 22: Vanderpump Rules tricks “characters” into believing they’re poor bartenders and waitresses. We exposed how Lisa Vanderpump uses wormholes to exploit people from alternative universes. READ NOW.
From February 9: Anonymous CEO writes open letter about his dick pics. During the Jeff Bezos scandal, another CEO offered us all a lesson in emotional intelligence. READ NOW.
From March 28: Science: Being alive is the biggest risk to your health. Our science team brought you the truth about the hidden health benefits of death. READ NOW.
From March 22: IBR exposes Chinese “humor bots” dominating the Web. The Chinese are using funny memes to subvert your thinking. We showed you how it works. READ NOW.
From April 29: IBR article sucks life force out of reader. Once again, one of our articles harmed a reader—this time by sucking out his life force. READ NOW.
From May 15: IBR announces new billionaire training program. We gave you the tools to be a billionaire. READ NOW.
From June 11: “Give me five” is our new charity to fund penis enhancement. Back in June, we unveiled a new philanthropy dedicated to giving deserving men monster cocks. READ NOW.
From July 2: IBR secretly attempting to replace “deez nuts” with “mah ballzzz.” We exposed ourselves to you. READ NOW.
From September 12. Breaking secret news: Dentistry is fake. Yes, you read that right. We blow up the entire dental profession. READ NOW.
From October 18: There is no doubt who is the best Joker. Ed Mountaineer writes a controversial article about the Joker that brings fury from readers. READ NOW.
From October 22: Joker article controversy. Ed’s Joker article wasted some people’s time. READ NOW.
From November 3. Saying these 8 things in a job interview will make you look desperate. We show how you could blow that interview. READ NOW.
From December 9. We followed Gary V’s advice. The results were… well… READ NOW.
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