Mike Thompson says he can kill you with his penis.

Mike Thompson? Maybe?

Mike Thompson wrote this. All of it. He told us he would kill us with his penis. 
 
 
Me Mike Thompson. Me kill you with penis. Penis so strong. So big. It kill you! Me kill you! With it!
 
My name is Mike Thompson, and I am pleased that the Intergalactic Business Report hired me to be a new “featured writer” for their online magazine. Many of my friends told me to be wary accepting such a position because they had read the Intergalactic Business Report and they found it “scary” and “written by psychopaths" or maybe "really drunk psychopaths.” But it didn’t scare me a bit. A little about myself: (REDACTED).
 
Me have big penis. Me hurt you with it if you come near me. Maybe I even come near you on purpose so I can hit you with my big penis.
 
After Harvard, I took a post graduate position in the U.K., where I used my free time to write a blog about human relationships in a post-modern world. I feel my insights might give readers of this magazine a new perspective on society, our collective history, and contemporary issues. The Intergalactic Business Report seems lacking in this regard because (REDACTED).
 
My penis hard now! That make it more dangerous! ANGHHHHHHHH! Penis HARD! PENIS STRONG!
 
A former employee of the Intergalactic Business Report even contacted me to tell me that the editors will completely alter writers’ articles and crudely "redact" whole sections to make the writer seem perverse or mentally unstable. But why would anyone do that? That would be insane, right? Anyway, I (REDACTED) and I assume no publication anywhere would do such a thing.
 
I look forward to being part of the Intergalactic Business Report team and hope my contributions may offer a bit of enlightenment and comfort in a world where (REDACTED). UGH! Penis now soft! Must leave now and come back when it hard again! I done writing now. Good bye.
 
Mike Thompson

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