Do you have what it takes to be a professional athlete? Answer any of these four questions with a "yes" and you may be good enough to play your sport for money.
1. Have professional coaches or representatives from a professional team offered you money to play for them? If they have, this is a solid indication that you may have a chance to be a pro athlete.
2. Have you never lost at whatever sport you play? This one’s especially important for solo sports, like tennis or masturbation.
3. Do sports companies offer you “endorsement deals” for you to make commercials about their products?
4. Has a lawyer ever presented you with a contract that if you signed it, it would make you a professional athlete?
February sucks. But at least there’s the Oscars. Except the Oscars suck too. So you have nothing. Still, for the next two days, all anyone will be talking about is who won the best foreign toilet documentary. Do you succumb to the pressure and watch? Or do you do what we recommend, and choose one of these life-affirming alternatives:
1. Call someone you know is super into the Oscars. Keep calling. Tell them you’ve been taken hostage but not to call the police because the guy said he’ll kill you if anyone does. Then say the guy also said they need to turn off the Oscars or they’ll kill you for that too.
2. Give yourself an award for eating the most King Dons in seventeen minutes.
3. Stand in front of a mirror. Watch yourself for however long the Oscars are on. Don’t move. Just stare. Stand. If you feel yourself falling or getting hungry, stop and go do that.
4. Aimlessly wander. Nobody does that anymore. Just leave your place and walk till you drop from exhaustion or meet people who put you in their car and take you somewhere, probably not to murder you, but who knows? You just met these people and they put you in their car.
5. Give yourself a standing fucking ovation. Yes. You fucking did it. Now you know what it feels like to give and receive a standing ovation at the same time. How many people can say they’ve had that experience?
6. Eat a King Don. Eat another one, but faster. Keep doing that. (See Number 2, above.)
7. Show your true disdain for the Academy Awards by trying to “wipe your ass” with it.
8. Have sex with a King Don. (If any are left over.)
9. Find out what it really takes to be “escorted by security” out of a shopping mall.
10. Find out what it really takes to be “forcibly removed” from a family video store.
11. Shave off the hair from the back of your head and draw another face on that. Now there are two of you.
12. Take an intense, but short-lived interest in robotics, which ends with you throwing a metal pipe at your neighbor, and your arguing with the cops that it was not a metal pipe, it was a robot arm.
Are you just cool enough to have friends but also so uncool that you enter “Oscar pools” with people who actually watched all the movies? As an added reader benefit, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Bart DeLong gives you the answers you need so that you’ll be the star of this year’s nerdathon.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE:
Antonio Banderas, Pain and Glory
Leonardo DeCaprio, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood.
Adam Drive, Marriage Story
Joaquin Phoenix, Joker
Jonathon Price, the Two Popes
THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR:
Me, Acting Like I Give a Shit About the Oscars.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE:
Cynthia Erivo, Harriet
Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story
Saoirse Ronan, Little Women
Charlize Theron, Bombshell
Renée Zellweger, Judy
THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTRESS:
My college girlfriend, Pretending she loved me for two and a half years and then boning Jeff Werner in the bathroom at a house party. Whatever.
Once upon a Time… in Hollywood
THE WINNER FOR BEST DIRECTOR:
Me, Directing Your Mom’s Head Toward my Crotch.
Ford v Ferrari
THE WINNER FOR BEST PICTURE:
My 75 inch Flatscreen Not Showing the Oscars.
Bart DeLong is way cooler than you. Unlike you, he can introduce himself by saying, “Bart Delong. As in ‘dee long’ penis in my pants.” He’s tired of this shit. It sucks and it’s boring. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.