 Mushroom Hunters. SERIES. Darryl Ray and his brother Hobart search the world for the rarest (and deadliest) mushrooms known to humankind. Will they find the mythical Norse “death mushroom”? And will they eat it? SPOILER: in episode five they do and they both die of kidney failure. Greta Funberg. ORIGINAL MOVIE. Greta Thunberg’s fictional sister (Dakota Fanning) is all about having a good time and doesn’t give a crap about climate change. But what happens when her serious sibling shows up to Funberg’s end of the year coal burning, hairspray party? Will the two sisters with the same first name join forces to throw the biggest bash of the semester? Or will the entire planet cease to exist before the end of the movie? Spoilers. SERIES. In this prank show, Jepp Munson and his crew ruin major life events for unwitting victims. Whether it’s popping the question before someone asks his girlfriend to marry him or locking a husband out of a hospital room so that he misses the birth of his first daughter, Jepp serves up the laughter as quickly as he’s served cease and desist orders. Suburban Killer Dad. TRUE CRIME DOCUSERIES. Brett Fabius was a normal suburban dad till he allegedly went on a killing spree. The evidence tilts against Brett, and then back in his favor, as prosecutor Harry Dibbs and defense lawyer Marcus Deriley, battle to decide his fate. SPOILER: In episode one, DNA evidence, along with witness testimony, and a video Brett made confessing to the crimes proves he’s guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. But wait, in episode two, new evidence arises that could clear him. Except that it doesn’t because the new evidence is a Taco Bell receipt date stamped at the time of the murder, but it didn’t belong to Brett at all. Then the series kind of ends. Dick Measurers. SERIES. Host Travis Wright measures celebrities’ dicks to see who has the largest one. SPOILER: Only Pauly Shore and Jan Michael Vincent accept the challenge. And Jan Michael Vincent is dead, making episode two one of the most controversial episodes of this two-episode series. Holy Crap. MOVIE. Orlando Bloom and Cuba Gooding Jr. play adventurer brothers Luke and Chaz Cheezit who discover what might be the only remaining relic of 12th century monk Elastus Bonofani—a huge turd, preserved in a melting glacier in the alps. Now that they have it, what will they do? Get ready to lose your shit laughing as these two goofballs trek through Europe in an effort to bring their shitpiece to the Vatican for what they hope will be a multi-billion-dollar reward. Fuzz Ballzzz. SERIES. Blair Underwood plays Principal Damon Lewis in this hard as nails teenage sex drama about the coming of age of a group of sophomores who call their group “duh fuzz ballzzz,” for a reason revealed in season 8, even though this is only season one, and there’s no way this is getting renewed for season 2.  Do you have what it takes to be a professional athlete? Answer any of these four questions with a "yes" and you may be good enough to play your sport for money. 1. Have professional coaches or representatives from a professional team offered you money to play for them? If they have, this is a solid indication that you may have a chance to be a pro athlete. 2. Have you never lost at whatever sport you play? This one’s especially important for solo sports, like tennis or masturbation. 3. Do sports companies offer you “endorsement deals” for you to make commercials about their products? 4. Has a lawyer ever presented you with a contract that if you signed it, it would make you a professional athlete?  Tune out tonight... February sucks. But at least there’s the Oscars. Except the Oscars suck too. So you have nothing. Still, for the next two days, all anyone will be talking about is who won the best foreign toilet documentary. Do you succumb to the pressure and watch? Or do you do what we recommend, and choose one of these life-affirming alternatives: 1. Call someone you know is super into the Oscars. Keep calling. Tell them you’ve been taken hostage but not to call the police because the guy said he’ll kill you if anyone does. Then say the guy also said they need to turn off the Oscars or they’ll kill you for that too. 2. Give yourself an award for eating the most King Dons in seventeen minutes. 3. Stand in front of a mirror. Watch yourself for however long the Oscars are on. Don’t move. Just stare. Stand. If you feel yourself falling or getting hungry, stop and go do that. 4. Aimlessly wander. Nobody does that anymore. Just leave your place and walk till you drop from exhaustion or meet people who put you in their car and take you somewhere, probably not to murder you, but who knows? You just met these people and they put you in their car. 5. Give yourself a standing fucking ovation. Yes. You fucking did it. Now you know what it feels like to give and receive a standing ovation at the same time. How many people can say they’ve had that experience? 6. Eat a King Don. Eat another one, but faster. Keep doing that. (See Number 2, above.) 7. Show your true disdain for the Academy Awards by trying to “wipe your ass” with it. 8. Have sex with a King Don. (If any are left over.) 9. Find out what it really takes to be “escorted by security” out of a shopping mall. 10. Find out what it really takes to be “forcibly removed” from a family video store. 11. Shave off the hair from the back of your head and draw another face on that. Now there are two of you. 12. Take an intense, but short-lived interest in robotics, which ends with you throwing a metal pipe at your neighbor, and your arguing with the cops that it was not a metal pipe, it was a robot arm.  Are you just cool enough to have friends but also so uncool that you enter “Oscar pools” with people who actually watched all the movies? As an added reader benefit, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Bart DeLong gives you the answers you need so that you’ll be the star of this year’s nerdathon.
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Antonio Banderas, Pain and Glory Leonardo DeCaprio, Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood. Adam Drive, Marriage Story Joaquin Phoenix, Joker Jonathon Price, the Two Popes THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTOR: Me, Acting Like I Give a Shit About the Oscars. ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Cynthia Erivo, Harriet Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story Saoirse Ronan, Little Women Charlize Theron, Bombshell Renée Zellweger, Judy THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTRESS: My college girlfriend, Pretending she loved me for two and a half years and then boning Jeff Werner in the bathroom at a house party. Whatever. DIRECTING: The Irishman Joker 1917 Once upon a Time… in Hollywood Parasite THE WINNER FOR BEST DIRECTOR: Me, Directing Your Mom’s Head Toward my Crotch. BEST PICTURE: Ford v Ferrari The Irishman Jojo Rabbit Joker Little Women Marriage Story 1917 THE WINNER FOR BEST PICTURE: My 75 inch Flatscreen Not Showing the Oscars. Bart DeLong is way cooler than you. Unlike you, he can introduce himself by saying, “Bart Delong. As in ‘dee long’ penis in my pants.” He’s tired of this shit. It sucks and it’s boring. He can be reached at [email protected]. |
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