Opinion columnist Ed Mountaineer makes a plea to Hallmark to please make adult versions of its popular Christmas and Romance movies.
Let me get this out of the way before I write any further. I have never made it through an entire Hallmark movie. The reason? There’s no sex and no nudity. If this were to change, however, then I would almost certainly be a loyal Hallmark movie viewer. And yet Hallmark seems almost determined to shut me out. Why?
Let me get another thing out of the way too. This isn’t the first time I’ve asked a major company to change their content so that it’s sexier. I’ve asked the creators of “He man” to make their cartoon a series about rough man on man sex and I’ve asked the creators of “Mario Brothers” to make their video game about rough man on man sex, even though I am totally and absolutely not gay. Needless to say, I was met with total disapproval and even forcibly removed from several office buildings where I showed up for non-scheduled one on one meetings with their executives.
So today I ask Hallmark to not make the same mistake in alienating me from their brand. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want you, Hallmark, to change your whole formula. I like the format of not totally hot actresses who fall in love with former male models at Christmas and also just because. I think you’re on the right track. In fact, you are very close to delivering the perfect product to America and beyond. Just slightly re-write a few of the scenes so that they’re porn. It’s that simple. You can keep the rest.
To illustrate the enormous potential of my insanely good idea, I’ve listed some quick fixes that could have been done (and still can be!) by simply altering a few of the titles of current and past movies. For example:
“Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane” changes to “Christmas on Dickysucky Lane.”
“Christmas at the Palace” turns into “Christmas in my Pal’s Ass.”
“A Shoe Addict’s Christmas” is now “A Shoe Fetishist’s Christmas.”
“Christmas at Pemberly Manor” could easily become “Dickmas at Peniserly Manor.”
“Jingle around the Clock” is of course “Jingle around the Cock.”
“The Beach House” is now “The Bitch House.”
“Naughty or Nice…” No need to change the title.
“My Boyfriend’s Dogs” becomes a multiple penis story as “My Boyfriends’ Hogs.”
See? It’s so easy. And I’m not even asking for a cut of the ridiculous profits Hallmark will make instantly with my plan. I am simply begging them to come to their senses and finally give me what I need and want.
I thank America for its time and I thank myself for mine. I can only spend so much of it helping others and now have to move on. When I think of something else that can change the course of everything, I will try to get that to everyone. But I have a lot of shit I’m working on, so there may be a delay. In the meantime, I hope everyone who’s read this will join the silent protest against Hallmark till they finally come to their senses and do the right thing.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. His views almost directly coincide with everything we believe in and cherish with no reservations or hesitation whatsoever. When he writes something, we just nod our heads before we even read it. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Someone died. That sucks. Don’t make it worse by saying any of these 7 common statements to the bereaving.
1. At least Cindy won’t be sucking random people’s dicks in heaven. Or maybe she will. I mean, there are a lot of dead people there, right?
2. Heaven is just a state of mind. So, in a way, Randy’s right there. In your mind. Can I say hello to him, please?
3. When we were in college, Jeff used to say he’d be surprised if he lived past the age of 25. So, he actually went beyond what he calculated.
4. It’s so funny, because when I heard Steve died, I immediately remembered the time he found that little kid’s wallet and took all the money from it and said, “I’m going to go to hell for this when I die.”
5. I’m sure Ryan’s up there somewhere passed out on a couch, still holding the tv remote, and doing absolutely nothing with his life. I mean his death, sorry.
6. Heather told me she cheated on you one time, but that it was a secret she was going to take to her grave. Well, there’s her grave.
7. I brought you this “death is good” tee shirt because Adam used to always wear that “life is good” shirt. Can we put this on his body?
Unlike the douche bandanas of the 1980’s, the douche scarf has more purpose than just covering your head and making you look like a pirate. These scarves, which most douches now wear regularly in any season, offer warmth, softness, and instantly earned recognition as the biggest douche in the area by everyone who sees you.
To cater to douches who may want to up their game, the Intergalactic Business Report conducted a secret interview with a top douche scarf designer to get you the inside info on why they’re hot, how they can make you even douchier, and what’s next.
INTERVIEWER: So, scarves aren’t new. What makes the douche scarf different than past pieces of cloth that people wrap around their necks?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: The douche scarf is unique in that it tends to be a little larger and longer than normal scarves, and it also can be worn in any season.
INTERVIEWER: And because of that it’s attractive to douches?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Kind of. You see, douches have one major objective and that’s to be noticed by other people who not just notice them, but also say, “What a fucking douche!” Our scarves accomplish that instantly, because when you see a guy wearing a stupid, big looking scarf for absolutely no reason, you can’t have any other possible reaction. So the douches win just by wearing it.
INTERVIEWER: I think I get it. If a douche isn’t wearing a scarf…
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Then he has to work much harder to achieve douchiness in the group he’s in. He may have to talk and say something douchey, like about his car or some stupid vacation he’s taking to a place you’ve never heard of and he knows that so he waits for you to ask him, “Where’s that?” so he can tell you for the next hour while you think, “What a fucking douche!”
INTERVIEWER: So the scarf gets the message across instantly?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Yes. This means the douche doesn’t even need to have a Tesla or order a pretentious coffee drink or tell the waiter to cook his steak “super well done.” He just has to wear a scarf.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. Now I think I see why these scarves are so popular with total douches. Will you ever be able to top this as a douche fashion accessory?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: We think we may be able to, but it will take a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Can you let us in on anything?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Since the scarves are probably the dumbest and douchiest thing we could ever think of, the only concept now floating around for the future is either larger scarves that are more like a blanket or “snuggie,” or perhaps expensive designer underwear that douches wear on the outside of their pants.
INTERVIEWER: They’d wear underwear on the outside of their pants?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Yes, because if you saw a guy doing that, you’d immediately think, “What a fucking douche!” and it would be over immediately. The douche wouldn’t need to grow a ridiculous civil war beard and toast people with his craft beer. He’d be the king douche of the room until someone more douchey, with more expensive underwear, arrived to challenge him.
INTERVIEWER: Douches challenge each other? Like it’s a douche battle?
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: I think we should leave that till next time.
INTERVIEWER: You’re kind of douche. Just an observation.
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Yes, but it took you the entire interview to figure that out. If I’d been wearing the scarf….
INTERVIEWER: Right. I’d have known all along and wouldn’t have wasted my time talking to you.
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: Exactly.
INTERVIEWER: Well, thanks I guess.
DOUCHE SCARF DESIGNER: No problem. I have a Tesla.
Easter officially named worst holiday ever: definitive proof just in time so you don’t need to celebrate this year.
Easter. It makes no sense. It’s about Jesus. But it’s also about a bunny. And eggs. And eating candy? Don’t celebrate this year until you read our exclusive report proving, once and for all, that Easter is the worst holiday ever. If these ten ironclad proof points don’t change your mind instantly, then you are worthless.
1. Outside of Easter, would you ever eat an egg just lying there, in your back yard? Easter tricks you into doing that and makes you become a person who finds food on the ground and starts eating it.
2. Nobody has ever had sex “because it’s Easter.”
3. Nobody ever talks about how drunk he was last Easter because he went to that awesome “Easter party” that went on all night.
4. Thanksgiving sucks, but at least you can rhyme it with “skanksgiving.” What can you rhyme Easter with?
5. What’s with all the cute baby chicks? Are those the ones who didn’t get eaten when they were eggs?
6. Whoever came up with the idea of painting eggs as a fun activity was the same guy who invented gift-wrapping and auto erotic asphyxiation.
7. Good Friday is more like “just o.k. Friday.” And that’s being generous.
8. Our idea to save Easter by requiring women to dress as sexy Easter bunnies was rejected by most local governments. It will, however, go into effect in Burkina Faso this year.
9. No one in the history of our planet has ever said the words, “I’m excited about Easter this year.”
10. What other “holiday” makes you dress up in stupid pastel colored clothes you’ll never wear anywhere else again?
Think song lyrics are dumb? Think again. The Intergalactic Business Report examines six semi-famous musical masterpieces and translates their cryptic advice and insights. Only we could do this. You’re welcome.
1. THE SONG: Whatta Man by Salt N Pepa.
THE LYRIC: “You so crazy. I think I want to have yo baby.”
TRANSLATION: “You are mentally ill. I would like to have a child with you.”
INSIGHT: If someone shows signs of madness, he may also be a great father to your children. Consider having sex with him and making a baby.
2. THE SONG: Hot in Here by Nelly.
THE LYRIC: “It’s getting hot in here, so hot, so take off all your clothes. I am, getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.”
TRANSLATION: “The temperature in this room is approaching levels that are unhealthy for both of us. But I have a solution. You should take off your clothes. I too am hot, and I want to take off my clothes. But I will wait for you to do it first.”
INSIGHT: In extreme heat, it is a good idea to shed layers of clothing. Also, being a gentleman and leader is important. So wait till everyone else has disrobed. Check to see if they’re safe. Then remove your clothing last.
3. THE SONG: Boom Boom by Paul Lekakis.
THE LYRIC: “Do the honor to me. Don’t you know I like to bite? Get to the view. Closer to you. You’re driving me crazy, crazy for you.”
TRANSLATION: “Please give me a medal or a ribbon of some kind to honor my accomplishments. If you don’t, I will bite you. Go look at the view we have from this hotel room. It’s great, right? Now I’m standing right next to you and exhibiting signs of a mental breakdown. You are the cause of this psychotic episode.”
INSIGHT: If you are stuck in a hotel room with a mental patient, perhaps the best thing to do is give him some kind of recognition, like a ring or a medal. That way, he won’t bite you. Also, take responsibility for your role in causing him to go crazy. Enjoy the view too.
4. THE SONG: We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart.
THE LYRIC: “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no. We could dance and party all night and drink some cherry wine.”
TRANSLATION: “Having fun doesn’t have to involve nudity. As an alternative, why don’t we start dancing for the next eight to ten hours? And while we do this, we can drink wine nobody else drinks or has ever heard of.”
INSIGHT: Without clothing, it is very difficult to dance, because your parts will flap around and maybe even hit you or others in the face. So, if you if you want to dance and get naked, you can’t. Choose one or the other. If you opt for dancing, enhance the experience with a non-grape wine. Do this all night until you lose the desire for sex.
5. THE SONG: Wrap her up by Elton John and George Michael.
THE LYRIC: “Is she foreign? Legs eleven? Italian girls take me to heaven. You pretty babies from Paris, France. Crazy horses love to dance.”
TRANSLATION: “Is that woman from another country? Is she a spider creature that has multiple legs? Female children from Italy are able to communicate with the dead, and sometimes they include me in séances. You are beautiful infants from Paris. Horses with mental illness enjoy dancing a lot.”
INSIGHT: George Michael and Elton John were suffering from a shocking mental episode when they wrote this. Their minds were clearly a prison of horror and insanity.
6. THE SONG: Tuff Enuff by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
THE LYRIC: “I’d work 24 hours seven days a week, just so I could come home and kiss your cheek. I love you in the morning and I love you at noon. I love you in the night and take you to the moon.”
TRANSLATION: “If you allow me to come to your house and kiss the side of your mouth, I will work every minute of every day for the rest of my life in a separate location, without realizing that it is impossible for me to go to your house because I will be at work, in order to keep my impossible promise. At work, I love you three times a day. Once in the morning, once around lunch, and once at night. Then I use a spacecraft to bring you out of Earth’s atmosphere and on a journey to the moon, which means I work at NASA because how else could I be working and doing that at the same time?”
INSIGHT: The lead singer of the Fabulous Thunderbirds is a tragic character, somewhat like Atlas or Prometheus from Greek Mythology. He is doomed to work continuously while his beloved waits for him at home, hoping he will someday arrive to put his mouth on her face, but knowing this is impossible. She doesn’t know, however, that his work is building space ships. So he tells his boss that he’s taking the rocket out for a test drive and comes by her house, finally lip-touching her cheek with his mouth that has not seen mouthwash or toothpaste since his vow to work forever. They then go to the moon, but must soon turn around and go home. Each year, the Tuff Enuff singer makes this journey, which is also the Summer Solstice. Can you see him up there? Look hard this year. There he is! Waving at you!
For the first year in a row, the Intergalactic Business Report has been named again as the number one source of information by everyone on the entire planet. While there was no formal voting and no official proclamations made, sources close to us revealed that every country and every inhabitant in those countries counted us as their most trusted resource for news, insights, and culture.
Supreme editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, Dusty Latouffe, claimed this as further proof that the New York Times, Entertainment Magazine, and every major news network can suck our collective dick, which would be a combination penis inspired by every editor, writer, and correspondent associated with our publication.
Mr. Latouffe acknowledged that by including everyone’s penis in this collective, and making it a representation of not just above average and large penises, but also extremely small and unusably short penises, the actual combo dick could be rather small.
“It was probably a bad idea to make the penis metaphor,” Mr. Latouffe concluded, and conceded that it would have been better to have said that the New York Times and others could “kiss our ass,” because several members of the IBR team have unusually huge asses and their collective butt would be very very large compared to the tiny penis he offered up first.
He then stressed that this did not mean he was rescinding the command for the New York Times, Entertainment Magazine, and major news networks to suck IBR’s metaphorical dick.