After being isolated, quarantined, and cooped up for a year, Americans are more ready than ever to travel again. But some new restrictions may make you think twice about getting on an airplane, boat, or even booking a hotel.
As part of its commitment to travel safety and security, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the hidden post-Corona rules the vacation industry won’t tell you. We sent our writers and editors on trips to test the new travel waters, and this is what they found.
1. Passengers on most major airlines may not “make poopies” in their pants and just sit there for the remainder of the four-hour flight while everyone bitches at you for the smell. About forty minutes into your pants-shitting, someone will start asking you dumb questions about whether you’re “all right” and “need some help,” and about twenty minutes after that everyone will figuratively shit themselves trying to get you to find a bathroom to change or whatever.
2. You can get arrested for throwing your shit-filled undies from an airplane restroom. They don’t technically arrest you on the plane, but an air marshal dude will physically subdue you while the rest of the passengers cheer as if they kicked your ass themselves.
3. If you tell the hotel clerk to “suck your dick” they won’t give you a room. Even if you slide them a twenty after you scream it.
4. Pretending you’re a hitman at a hotel lobby bar only works if you’re patient enough to get into a long, drunken conversation with someone where you finally “admit” your profession and they feel scared but also strangely drawn to the danger you’re bringing into their lives. If you don’t do all that stuff, and just start screaming that you’re going to shoot everyone, the cops come. And they shoot you.
5. Cab drivers don’t let you smoke crack in the back seat. Even Ubers. Except this one guy. But he probably wasn’t an Uber driver because he didn’t have a car and he lived under a bridge in Seattle.
6. On the West Coast of the United States, you can’t just take your dick out in a grocery store and try to slap everyone with it. Actually, you can, but people start freaking out and evading you and it makes it harder to slap them because you have to run to catch them while holding your penis and that’s hard (to run, not the penis, but that’s also hard).
7. If you’re in Florida, you can totally pour the syrup at a Denny’s down your pants. No one even says anything. Just wanted to get that in. Sunshine state. Oranges. Syrup all over your balls.
8. Albuquerque New Mexico. Some guy named Roy who stirs drinks with his penis. Five bucks for the drink. Seven bucks for the stir. That’s like three bucks more than he charged pre-Covid, so be ready for the sticker shock.
9. You’re not allowed to cutely “ride” people’s dogs anymore. The dogs bite you. The people beat your ass. All around a pretty bad experience.
10. Offering “free mustache rides” is no longer something waitresses at fine dining restaurants think is funny. Especially when you don’t even have a mustache. Post-covid, just start your order with, “I’ll try the steak tartare, please,” instead of, “There’s a free mustache ride in it for you if you sit on my face. I’ll try the steak tartare, please.”
11. Did we mention the thing about not slapping people with your penis in a supermarket? Apparently, that also goes for pet stores and banks.
12. Casinos don’t allow you to bet other gamblers’ lives as collateral, even if you’ve gotten them to agree that you own their souls because you’re the devil.
13. Cruise ships don’t allow you to play “naked statue” in other people’s cabins where you just stand there like you’re a sculpture and they’re screaming something about how did this man get in my room but you just keep standing there because you’re a naked statue someone just put in there and it’s not your fault.
14. “Big Bus” tours of cities are not secret orgy/swinger sites where old people have sex with tour guides so you shouldn’t ask the tour guides when the old people are going to start having sex and whether it’s hard for him get into it when the dicks and boobs are so old and then you catch yourself because this dude’s probably into that and you’re into some weird shit too so why judge?
Six months ago, Cedric Bigglestone entered a mental health program. Here’s the letter he wrote to himself that he has to read today.
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Cedric Bigglestone entered a mental health program six months ago. Let’s not even get into the details. As part of his therapy, he was required to write himself a letter that he would re-read six months later. Today is that day and we are publishing it. (Just imagine Cedric talking while you read it.)
Sorry I put ourselves in this mess. I say, “ourselves” because I feel like there are two of us now since I’m writing a letter to myself but there’s also me, who’s writing, but is also myself. I guess that makes two “myselfs”?
Wait a fucking second. Am I in here for having multiple personality disorder? Someone’s saying no, that isn’t it. I guess I’m not allowed to write my own fucking letter. Some doctor is going to do it for me. (Now she’s saying to go ahead and write whatever I want and to ignore what she said.)
O.K. So I guess I’m in here for multiple personality disorder and as I write this, I’m screaming every word so my therapist can hear me even though she’s standing right next to me. Now she’s moving away from me, so I need to scream louder.
Now I’m going to write what she’s saying. Guard. Guard. Guard. Can you please come in?
Sorry for the interruption. They made me stop writing but now I’m back. I think my other personality came out and started doing shit like yelling a lot and now I’m back—the calm one.
Being here at the ______ has really helped me figure out a lot of my issues, like the one where my other personality comes out and drinks so much that he tries to hunt mimes and other street entertainers because those motherfuckers are stealing babies again.
I guess that’s about it. See you in six months.
Cedric Bigglestone the first (not the bad one)
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer’s recent article about black holes received extensive criticism for its insensitivity, and now Ed issues an apology in which he addresses some of the claims made against him.
From Ed Mountaineer:
Dear IBR readers:
I want to apologize to all of you for any comments I made that could be construed as inappropriate, insensitive, or tone deaf. Sorry. In my article on black holes, I asked several questions in the spirit of scientific inquiry and many of those questions were called out by you, the readers. I want to take each one and explain my thinking and then say sorry. Thank you and I hope you won’t cancel me.
1. When I said that maybe black holes are just giant buttholes and then speculated that maybe the buttholes belonged to “girl giants” that was not to say that women are more comfortable with showing their buttholes than man giants are. Sorry.
2. I apologize to all giants, giant buttholes, and women and men who have buttholes and others who have buttholes too. if I have offended them by talking about buttholes and who has them and it doesn’t matter if the butthole belongs to a man or a woman or anyone or anything else because it’s just a butthole. A vast, giant, black butthole that is out there in space. Sorry.
3. In case that wasn’t good enough, I pledge to put in the work to study buttholes more carefully and maybe not even call them buttholes anymore but come up with a better, more respectful name that doesn’t sound so buttholish. Sorry.
4. Here’s the name: essential output (or input) space. Sorry.
5. To test my new word, I will use it in a sentence: I want you to jam your cock into my essential output and input space. Sorry.
6. I insinuated at one point in my article that I may be god. I apologize to anyone who believes in god and it’s not me. I understand how the possibility that I am god and not whoever you worship would be a trigger for you and threaten your view of the universe. If you do think I’m god and worship me, I want you to know that there are other options out there and you can do those too. Sorry.
7. I also said that maybe we only see black holes because the giant is too shy to show us the rest of its body and I realize this is offensive to introverts. I apologize to all of them who just want to show their buttholes and nothing else. That’s totally fine. Sorry.
8. I speculated that human buttholes are very small compared to giant buttholes. I want to say sorry to everyone whose identity centers around having a huge butthole. I didn’t mean to suggest that yours was small. Please go back to believing your butthole is gigantic. Sorry.
9. I also want to apologize to farts. I’m not sure what I did wrong on this exactly but I said some stuff that sounded kind of negative and suggested they couldn’t be trusted because sometimes when I fart crap comes out and not just butt vapor. The crap part is my fault not the fart’s. Sorry.
10. Just to get ahead of this, I think the thing I said above about jamming your cock into my essential input/output space is probably also offensive. I don’t know who you are and it’s worded so that anyone in the world could be the one I addressed, so I’m sure out of everyone out there someone has a reason to be hurt by this. Sorry to whoever that is.
Ed is an essential input/output space at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer uses scientific inquiry to discover the true meaning of black holes.
This week I couldn’t stop thinking about science, so I decided to do my column on it. I began with a simple question and let my mind go from there.
Anyway, this is my scientific inquiry:
1. “Is my butthole a black hole? It looks black. And it is a hole.”
2. “Is a black hole just a giant butthole?”
3. “Who does the giant butthole belong to? A giant?”
4. “Where’s the rest of the giant and why do we only see his butthole?”
5. “For someone so shy he won’t let us see the rest of him, the giant seems pretty comfortable showing us his butthole.”
6. “Maybe it’s a girl giant?”
7. “Is it possible that it’s actually a small butthole but it seems really huge because we’re so small but just don’t know it?”
8. “Which would mean our buttholes are really really small?”
9. “How do we fit anything in ours? How does anything come out?”
10. “What happens when a black hole farts?”
11. “What happens when I fart? What’s going on with that? It’s like I’m crapping myself but just butt vapor comes out. But sometimes a little crap comes out, like it’s escaping… from a black hole???”
12. “Am I god?”
13. “I guess I am?”
14. “I’m done writing now. Goodbye?”
Ed is probably god. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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