 NOTE THAT THIS EXCERPT IS TAKEN FROM A RANDOM PAGE OF ED’S NOVEL. THE EDITORS BELIEVE THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO SHOW HIS TALENT. BECAUSE OF THIS, IT MAY NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. SORRY. “Hahaaaaaaaaa,” laughed Stanley, pleased with his victory over the Ms. Pacman machine. But each time he won, she came back again, hungry for more, pushing him more. If only he could have sex with her the way he had with the space invaders… “Wake up!” shouted Bella, who had crept up next to him. “We’re gonna be late for Slamfest!” Stanley remembered what she was talking about. Slamfest. The biggest orgy in Beavertown. Last year, his tickets had been revoked when corrupt officials prevented him from entering. Randy Fuhstinkin and his crew were let in. So were all the others. And Stanley had waited outside all night, his dick in his hand, literally and figuratively. “I only go to orgies where we’ve signed a contract first,” Stanley stated boldly. Bella seemed confused. “Orgy? I’m talking about a poetry slam.” At that moment, Stanley realized why he’d been banned last year from Slamfest. HERE’S ANOTHER EXCERPT: “You have such tiny balls,” the hooker said. “Don’t look at them!” Stanley menaced. “But you just paid me twenty dollars and said, ‘look at my tiny balls.’” “Arrgghhh!” Stanley shouted as he destroyed his Happy Days lunch box. “They’re not that small,” she said, trying to make him feel better. “No. No, I want you to tell me they’re small and then I freak out. That’s how it works!” ONE MORE EXCERPT: Stanley scanned the banana factory. He was in range for a kill shot if Michael Dragonion ever showed his face. For now, Stanley would just need to crouch behind the nearest bunch of yellow nature schlongs and bide his time. And then… Dragonion appeared. Nope. That wasn’t him. Stanley continued to wait. Until… Finally… Nope. Not him either. Fuck this. Look for Ed’s book everywhere soon. We’ll be publishing more teasers as we get close to a release date. In the meanwhile, we hope this has whetted your appetite, whatever that means. -The editors.  Into Star Wars? The Intergalactic Business Report has collected some of the most trended and talked about fan theories about Chewbacca, Han Solo’s pet wookie. If you haven’t heard these yet, be prepared. Some of them are out of this world... And solar system! CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY ONE: Chewbacca is Han Solo’s sex slave. PROOF: He’s Han Solo’s pet and therefore must have sex with his master. He also has sex with people and space aliens in front of Han Solo for his enjoyment. Unbeknownst to Han Solo, Chewbacca had sex with Princess Leia. Then he lied about it by making that wailing noise he makes, which nobody understands anyway. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY TWO: Chewbacca is Michael Myers from Halloween. PROOF: He never speaks. Only grunts. Kills tons of people. Has murderous eyes. Fucking hates Halloween (the holiday, not the movie). Has sex with cheerleaders. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY THREE: Chewbacca isn’t a wookie. He’s just some dude. PROOF: Wookies are a race of creatures Chewbacca made up because he was embarrassed by his hairiness and terrible communications skills. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FOUR: Han Solo beats Chewbacca. PROOF: In an outtake, we see Han Solo bring out a leash between scenes and threaten Chewbacca with it, as if to say, “I’ll whip you with this if you don’t say your lines right.” CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY FIVE: Chewbacca is married to Han Solo. PROOF: In one scene, you can see they have matching wedding rings. Look for it. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SIX: Chewbacca’s crossbow weapon was given to him because Han Solo didn’t want him to have a cool pistol like his. PROOF: Motherfucking Han Solo. It’s totally something he’d do. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY SEVEN: The reason Chewbacca doesn’t receive a medal at the end of “A new Hope,” is because he had sex with the guy giving out the medals and it was just embarrassing to be called up on stage and face him after pounding him for like three hours straight in the bathroom in the Millenium Falcon. PROOF: Just look at the guy’s face. Then look at Chewbacca. That says it all. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY EIGHT: Before meeting Han Solo, Chewbacca wore clothes. Then Han Solo was like, “Nope. My pet doesn’t wear a shirt and tie. Fuck it, let’s make him naked.” PROOF: Throughout the Star Wars movies, Chewbacca wears no clothes. Case rested. CHEWBACCA FAN THEORY NINE: Chewbacca’s fingers are all penises. PROOF: You can’t see them, because he’s so hairy, but yes, sure enough, they are all penises. Even his thumbs.  Let’s face it. When you see a movie you usually end up seeing whatever the director and the movie studio made you see. But did you know there are actually alternative endings to some of your favorite movies? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report opens its vault of unseen* film endings and shares them with you like we’re giving you a glass of water and you’re thirsty, like maybe you ran through a desert and forgot to bring any water. THE FILM: The “Fugitive,” starring Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: After proving his own innocence, Dr. Richard Kimble is exonerated of the crime of killing his wife. THE UNSEEN ENDING: It was all a dream. Dr. Kimble isn’t a doctor. He also doesn’t have a wife. He just wakes up in a hammock in his back yard and some dude hands him a beer and tells him the game’s about to begin. Kimble smiles and says he’ll be right there. But he can’t get out and can’t grab the beer because he has no arms. THE FILM: “Pretty Pink” starring Andrew McCarthy and Molly Ringwald. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Working class high school senior Andie makes out with rich kid Blane in the parking lot of their senior prom. THE UNSEEN ENDING: As Blane and Andie kiss outside, Duckie, Andie’s friend who crushes on her, watches them from a bathroom in the hotel and he masturbates. The movie ends with a close up of his face as he reaches a climax. THE FILM: “Point Break,” starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Surfer-criminal Bhodi realizes the gig is up and escapes into a massive wave while FBI agent Johnny looks on. THE UNSEEN ENDING: Johnny captures Bhodi at a In-N-Out burger and offers him a final meal before bringing him in. Bhodi chooses a Double Double, fries, and a strawberry shake. He eats in silence. THE FILM: “Top Gun,” starring Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Navy fighter pilot Maverick and female top gun instructor “Charlie” meet up in a bar and rekindle their forbidden affair. THE UNSEEN ENDING: Charlie is a dude. Same ending. THE FILM: “The Shining,” starring Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall. THE ORIGINAL FILM ENDING: Deranged writer-dad Jack Torrance freezes to death while trying to track his son Danny through a snowy maze so that he can kill him. THE UNSEEN ENDING: Just before Jack is going to murder his family, the phone rings and it’s a publisher who tells him he wants to buy his book, “All work and no play,” for a million dollars. Jack happily accepts and apologizes to his wife and son for acting so crazy lately. *Also unmade and unfilmed. |
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