If you haven’t heard of “Death Troll,” it’s because this underground, indie film hasn’t been released yet. But in a few short weeks, we believe this will be the most talked about movie of the summer. Here’s why:
1. The plot is beautifully constructed. Death Troll is the story of Martin Hillheimer, a lowly musician who finds a magic guitar that transforms him into the lead singer of a metal band called Death Troll. At the same time, a supernatural monster from Denmark is summoned accidentally by the band the first time they play together in Martin’s basement. What kind of monster is it? A death troll. The rest of the movie charts the actual death troll’s journey to kill and destroy each band member for usurping its name.
2. The actors show their sex organs. Spoiler alert! During the course of the film, some of the actors flash boobs and penises.
3. You think you know what’s going to happen, but you don’t. Spoiler alert #2! The death troll never gets out of Denmark because how would he? He’s seven foot five inches and a monster. He has no money, only the skulls of his victims, which are all arranged neatly in his cave. He tries to go to the airport to buy a plane ticket and he pulls out a bag full of human skulls and he’s shot by airport security, ending his journey forever.
4. The cinematography is stunning. One of the band member’s penises is shown for almost seven minutes. Also, there are some cool shots of the Copenhagen airport from the outside (they weren’t allowed to film on the inside and the scene of the troll trying to buy a plane ticket was shot in the garage where the band plays, which is totally a mindfuck because that’s where the troll is trying to get to, but can’t, but he’s there, only he isn’t, because it’s an airport).
5. The movie doesn’t bore you with time. Running at only 11.5 minutes, the movie is mostly that shot of the guy’s dick. The rest is the story of Martin and the band and the troll who gets killed in the airport. Also, someone flashes her boobs. You can be in and out of the movie theater in about fifteen minutes. That gives you the whole rest of the day to enjoy yourself.
“Give Me Five.” IBR’s new charity funds penis enhancement surgery for men who feel inadequate without monster schlongs.
Coming up with a charity is hard because all the good ones are taken. This is the spirit behind the Intergalactic Business Report’s new philanthropic effort called “Give Me Five,” referring to the five inches of added penis we hope to give every man who feels he needs more dick. See our statement below:
Each year, millions of men wake up and wonder why their penises haven’t grown since high school. They look down in horror at their tiny dingles they once thought would rule the world but now are nothing more than pee sticks, serving the sole purpose of expelling urine several times a day.
They measure themselves, hoping a ruler will show they have much more than it looks like they have. But the ruler only shows they have much less.
Small Penis Syndrome (SPS) leads to American men spending billions of dollars a year on huge trucks, sports cars, sports memorabilia, and Hooter’s wings. And projections show that in coming years that spending will rise exponentially, till all men with small penises crowd into Tilted Kilt and Twin Peaks restaurants, causing fire hazards and wing shortages throughout the nation. Even worse, by 2027 almost all small-penised men will pass you on the shoulder on the highway instead of just the 80% who do it today.
As we look down the enormous shaft of a coming catastrophe, we have two choices. Either we allow mens’ penises to remain at miniature levels and become a nation where bro-hugs replace handshakes and Home Depot parking lots can only fit 17 cars, or we can do something dramatic to change the coming tidal wave of misery.
Enter Give Me Five, the new charity from the Intergalactic Business Report that offers free penis enhancement surgery to any man who feels he needs a much larger dong to feel good about himself. Using advanced penile technology and funded by you, Give Me Five can take men who have penises between 4 and 6 inches in length and give them brand new meat hammers that are at least ten inches long and have a girth up to four inches—kind of the dimensions of a Morton’s salt container, only bigger.
So far, Give Me Five has not paid for or performed any penis enhancement surgeries for the simple reason that we have zero money. But that could change in an instant, when people like you rise up and give us funds to cover the massive administrative fees that an organization like this needs to operate and pay administrators like us decent salaries and bonuses so that we can administer. When we’re done with that, we will start making bigger dicks for you and your loved ones.
Will you be part of this gargantuan tool for love and understanding? Read some of our hypothetical testimonials that we think will happen:
“Ever since I was a teenager, I felt my dick was not my real dick. My real dick, I knew, was gigantic. But when I looked down I only had about five inches of man meat. Today I have my real dick. In my pants. Right down there.” –Phil. Rantoul, Illinois.
“By giving me a John Holmes monster cock, IBR has given me a new lease on life, whatever that means. Do you lease your life? Huh?” –Marty. Jasper, Missouri.
“You only get one chance at a penis. Or so I used to think before IBR’s penis charity. Now I have a second chance at a penis.” –Bill. U.S. Virgin Islands.
“I had the length, but not the thickness. That’s where IBR stepped in and made my dick look kind of like a Frisbee. I’m not sure that was a good idea.” –Jeffrey. Branstead, California.
“With my brand new penis, I stopped trying so hard to impress people. Mostly because I spend all my time trying to hold my massive tool in place so it doesn’t fall out of my shorts.” –Barry. Torque, Texas.
Special etiquette edition. Want to be classy? Learn how to give a “compliment booster.”
Neuroscience has taught us that compliments are more powerful than we ever believed. Using them effectively can be the difference between closing a deal/making a friend/getting action and being ostracized/sent to a leper colony/mistaken for a dead celebrity.
To aid you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you something that goes beyond a regular compliment. Our exclusive “compliment booster” system gives you simple “extra” compliments that “complement” your compliments, making them stronger and more powerful. Just say the nice thing you usually say, and then add one of our boosters. You’re welcome.
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “I really like your dress.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Nice snatch too.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “That was a great speech. You really have a command of the room.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Similar to your speech, I have a great penis.
And I am relinquishing command of it to you.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “Did you lose weight?”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Because your dick looks bigger through your pants.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “You look amazing. You haven’t aged a day since I last saw you.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “You must find dead people and eat their hearts to regenerate yourself.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “There’s my favorite person!”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “My last favorite person is gone because he disappointed me.”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “I love your outfit. You have the best taste in clothes.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “May I lick the crotch of your pants?”
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “I feel like you’re the only one that gets me.”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “Horny. Gets me horny. Me so horny.” (Follow this with a groaning noise.)
COMPLIMENT YOU GIVE SOMEONE: “It’s so good to see you again!”
ADD THIS COMPLIMENT BOOSTER: “I was sure you’d be dead by now. Or at least super fat and about to die. But this… This is a surpise!”
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.