If you tuned in to ABC’s the Bachelor Monday night, you witnessed Clayton Echard (pronounced Itch-Hard) take bachelorette Susie on a fairy-tale inspired date through romantic Vienna. As usual, the event included an intimate dinner at a tiny table stolen from a little girl’s tea party, in which the enormous Clayton and his I’ve-spent-sixteen-hours-of-my-life-with-you-and-I-think-I-love-you companion squeezed into a camera shot and never touched their food.
When they were done not eating, the couple waltzed (get it?) into an adjoining room and slow-danced to Chris de Burgh’s “The Lady in Red,” sung by a creepy old man at a piano nearby. Wait a second, that creepy old man is Chris de Burgh, from the 80’s, only now he’s super old and Clayton and Susie have zero idea who he is. Yet they dance on to a song they’ve probably never heard, which ends with de Burgh whispering, “I love you,” presumably to Susie, who is donning a long, flowy red dress.
After witnessing this event, culture writers at the Intergalactic Business Report immediately asked themselves the question: “How the fuck did this happen?” and, “Was Ready 4 the World not available to sing Love you Down?” Using a proprietary journalistic technique in which we ascertain information that does not exist, we recovered a transcript of the meeting that led to de Burgh being booked. We share it below:
ABC PRODUCER: Chris, thanks for meeting with us.
CHRIS DEBURGH (CBD): My pleasure.
ABC PRODUCER: First off, have you ever heard of the ABC show the Bachelor?
CBD: Hmmm. I don’t watch a lot of tely (British for television).
ABC PRODUCER: It’s a very popular show in the U.S. with versions of it airing around the world.
CBD: I still haven’t heard of it. What’s it about?
ABC PRODUCER: A man, the bachelor, dates a large group of women and each week he eliminates some until, at the end, he finds his true love and asks her to marry him.
CBD: Go on...
ABC PRODUCER: We thought you’d appear in an episode in Vienna, in which the bachelor takes a woman on a date and ends up in a room where you sing, “The Lady in Red.”
CBD: I love it. So this bachelor really likes my music, eh?
ABC PRODUCER: Uh… He probably isn’t familiar. That song is from like 1986.
CBD: Then why would you have me sing it?
ABC PRODUCER: Because his date is going to be wearing a red dress.
CBD: Oh, me gets it. (British for “I get it.”)
ABC PRODUCER: So, they’ll just walk in and you’ll be at a piano and then you start singing.
CBD: Maybe I should introduce myself first. Like say, “Hello, my name is Chris de Burgh. I have a song I wrote a while ago and I’d like to sing it for you tonight. I think it will be perfect for the occasion.”
ABC PRODUCER: Yes! Yes. That… Or, you’re just there, at the piano. And you start singing.
CBD: Aren’t they going to wonder who I am?
ABC PRODUCER: Probably. But that doesn’t matter.
CBD: It doesn’t matter who I am?
ABC PRODUCER: I mean, of course it does. Just not in this context.
CBD: Not in this context?
ABC PRODUCER: The bachelorette, the woman, is wearing a red dress. So…
CBD: Right. So the song is very fitting.
ABC PRODUCER: Exactly!
CBD: Then why not just play the song? While they dance. Why do you need me?
ABC PRODUCER: We think it would be more romantic if a 74-year-old man sang it with no explanation to the couple of who you are.
CBD: O.K. O.K. Got it. I just am there. Bam! They open the door and walk in, and I glare at them for a moment and then begin singing.
ABC PRODUCER: That’s what we need.
CBD: At the end of the song, I whisper, “I love you.” Uh, who am I saying that to?
ABC PRODUCER: We want to leave that a little open-ended, so it could mean either of them?
CBD: I see.
ABC PRODUCER: Also, we feel that because neither of these people were even born in 1986, and have no idea what the song is, they may feel the whole “I love you” thing is an ad lib, or that you’re just saying it to one of them spontaneously.
CBD: Right. As if I actually mean it in the moment.
ABC PRODUCER: Yes, this is going to be so great.
CBD: I want to mean it.
ABC PRODUCER: You want to mean it?
CBD: I want to actually fall in love with one of them before the end of the song and then announce that love.
ABC PRODUCER: Uh… O.K.
CBD: It has to be authentic.
ABC PRODUCER: Uh… Sure. Sure.
CBD: Let’s talk money.
ABC PRODUCER: We’re willing to pay you 75 Million dollars.
CBD: Deal. I love you.
ABC PRODUCER: You do?
CBD: Just practicing!
ABC PRODUCER: Wow. That really is authentic!
After reading an article about how America basically sucks, we decided to respond with our own, American responses “foreigners” aren’t ready to hear and they should buckle up (with their American-invented seat belts they wouldn’t have without us) because our opinions about them are brutal.
Redditor u/jaycool74 asked non-Americans, "What's something us Americans aren't ready to hear?"
Here are some of the top-voted responses with our responses to those responses:
1. "You are the 'foreigner' for me and around 220 countries."--u/TaikoLeagueReddit
"Apparently, they aren't ready to hear that people from countries that aren't 'America' don't consider themselves as being from 'foreign' countries."
IBR RESPONSE: “Why do people from foreign countries always say that?”
2. "American bathroom stalls are exposed AF. A grown man could crawl under one of 'em, and the vertical gap has a big enough gap to make full-on eye contact with anyone walking by."--u/CowDeer
IBR RESPONSE: “Only a weird foreigner like you would even think of doing that…”
3. "Many other countries get minimum four weeks of paid vacation leave for employees and paid maternity leave — even for the father."--u/Zahliamischa
IBR RESPONSE: “We call it paternity leave in our country. Maybe that’s the confusion.”
4. "The amount of food you waste is wild."--u/Commercial_Quarter_6
IBR RESPONSE: “Can you repeat that? We couldn’t hear because we were stuffing this double cheeseburger in our mouth. Oh, fuck it. We’re not that hungry right now anyway. We’ll just toss this onto the highway. Go on please.”
5. "Treating your president like someone you worship is bizarre. As an Aussie, I don’t understand worshipping the royals, either."--u/Appropriate_Sun6311
IBR RESPONSE: “And yet you worship the Bee Gees?”
6. "The US is a great place to be rich and a bad place to be poor."--u/IllustriousGuard1943
IBR RESPONSE: “And in your country, it’s awesome to be poor?”
7. "The quality of your fast food is absolutely horrible compared to that of Canada’s. I’m referring to the same chains: Burger King, McDonald's, etc."--u/earthmang2two
IBR RESPONSE: “Well, we better get on the road and head north till we hit some of that great Canadian Burger King food.”
8."You DO have an accent."--u/imakeverylittlemoney
IBR RESPONSE: “Vat vas dat? Deed you say vee have an ahkzent? Okay den…”
9."School shootings are an almost uniquely American problem. The rest of the world is disgusted. Truly. The need for children to practice ‘active shooter drills’ is an unfathomable sci-fi dystopian horror for us."--u/JessieOwl
IBR RESPONSE: “What does the ‘rest of the world’ have instead? Active kidnapping, public execution, run for your lives, terrorist train stabbing/killing humorists/beheading priests drills?”
10. "TURN THE VOLUME DOWN — YOU'RE TOO LOUD."--u/captainsnacks11
"Americans can always be identified before you see them by their loud voices. I grew up in America, moved to Ireland around 12 years ago, and have learned quite a bit in my time. Now, I see these fresh-off-the-boat American tourists shouting all the time, and I just think, 'Was I that bad?' and 'Why are they so loud?'"
IBR RESPONSE: “Maybe we should emulate those soft-spoken, non-violent, sober Irishmen who are so damned quiet when they stab you for making eye contact with them.”
11. "Forcing students to go into debt for further education is disgusting. One should be able to get more education without having to risk never financially recovering."--u/uckin_anti_pope
IBR RESPONSE: “Your cool foreign education led you to use the reddit tag ‘uckin anti pope.’ At least it was free?”
12. "You all eat too much sugar."--u/whtsinthename
"I lived in the US for six months. Shortly after moving, I bought a loaf of bread and made a sandwich, but it was so sweet! I told my housemates that I think I’d accidentally bought a dessert bread. They tried it. NOPE — regular bread. It was just FULL of sugar!"
IBR RESPONSE: “If you liked that, we can also get you a shitload of salt for cheap.”
13. "Tipping in America is BS. Owners of restaurants and places need to pay normal wages."
IBR RESPONSE: “You just lost your tip.”
14. "Your education system is far worse than you think."
"Not just worse, but also really, really bad in terms of metrics and history."
IBR RESPONSE: “Can you imagine how much more we’d dominate your country if we had a good educational system?”
15. "Not everyone speaks English in the rest of the world. Learn another language; it's good for the soul and the brain."
IBR RESPONSE: “Just like you learned English?”
16. "The World Series only happens in the US."--u/Kommonwealth
IBR RESPONSE: “And yet you know what it is…”
17. "If you tell me you're Polish, but you were born in USA, never went to Poland, never learned the language, and you don't give a f*ck? Yeah, you're not Polish — you're American. Same goes for any other nationality."--u/Robert_Kurwica
"Just because your grandma or whatever was Irish/Italian/German etc., doesn’t mean you’re Irish/Italian/German etc. — and that’s okay."
IBR RESPONSE: “Maybe we should just start saying, ‘man you won’t believe the shit hole country my grandma was from before she escaped and moved here.’”
BONUS RESPONSE: “Did you hear the one about the Polish guy who didn’t think Polish people were from Poland?”
18. "We aren't jealous of you, like, at all."
IBR RESPONSE: “Why is it all the countries in the world that don’t care about the U.S. and aren’t jealous of us have to get together to tell us how much they don’t care about us and how they aren’t jealous of us?”
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.