Yeah it’s Rhoda Bloom again and Thanksgiving is only a few days away. This is usually the time when I hear “friends” and “family” say how much they’re looking forward to the holidays and I’m already doing that thing where you press really hard on your leg till it gets as numb as your desire to be with family and friends at the holidays.
You may have noticed I put those words, “friends” and “family” in quotations. That’s because I don’t have any friends and my family members are the people I sit with and tune out like they’re ghosts and I’m on a scary old pirate ship by myself and trying to pretend they’re not there so I don’t scream.
I’m sure that whoever you are is great and that you’re planning a sumptuous Thanksgiving day with people who love you. Except that when you really think about it, they’re just there to put up with you for a few hours and then get in their cars and talk about how much you suck and then laugh about it. Do you know at the actual first Thanksgiving they didn’t even talk to each other and both groups were like, “Are they going to kill me?” and the whole time they also thought, “Should we just kill these motherfuckers? Should we fucking do it? Because if we don’t they’re going to fucking kill us first.” Just speculating, but that’s pretty much what I assume my “family” is thinking the whole time we eat too.
I’m writing a screenplay about a girl who’s dying of a terminal disease but then it turns out everyone on the planet has the same disease and she’s just the first one to figure it out. Sorry. That has nothing to do with Thanksgiving except that I guess everyone in that fictional world would have a pretty shitty one or not even make it to Thanksgiving depending on what month I decide to set it in. O.K. I just did it. January. So they're all dead by mid September. Except maybe one guy who’s immune, and he spends Thanksgiving all by himself, as the last man on Earth and he pretty much feels the same as I do every Thanksgiving.
For the past few months I’ve also been thinking that maybe Thanksgiving is just a fucked up test that the aliens put into the simulation we’re all living in. Like they want us to be thankful for the hellish fake world they created for us and then when we talk about how great it is to be alive they sit there and go, “Yeah, they’re all masochists. Let’s make this more hellish.”
But after that I start thinking there’s no way we’re in a simulation because that would mean there was some kind of actual control over things instead of everything being random crap like turducken and Neapolitan ice cream and Florida.
Anyway, do you even know how to cook a fucking turkey? Just a question, but there’s no way you do. And if you do know, then that means you understand how to pull things out of its butthole and baste it and stuff it and then baste it again with the inseminator tool. And what does that say about you?
Sorry. Not judging. Just speculating that cooking the turkey might be a weird sex thing you’re into and not about being thankful for anything other than you getting to sexually assault a dead turkey with your fist. Again, not judging. It’s less fucked up than what I’m into, which is just slowly picturing myself dead every second of my life until I finally am.
I guess with that, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving? Enjoy your holiday. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Reddit users revealed what celebrities are like in real life. Now Intergalactic Business Report readers do the same.
A recent article exposed celebrities by collecting insights from Reddit users who, through their power of intuition, are able to sense what celebrities are like in real life as opposed to the images they try to project. We thought this was so insightful that we asked Intergalactic Business Report readers to do the same. And, wow. Just… wow. We found out shit about celebrities you would never believe. See what we discovered below:
“I don’t know. He seems nice, but then that’s probably just an act. When I look at him, there’s something behind his eyes that’s saying, ‘I’m a dick in real life.’”
“He’s Canadian, but then he acts American? Fake.”
“She’s smart and not dumb. I can tell.”
“He yells at people on all his shows, but there’s no way he can yell 24 hours a day so there’s probably a time when he’s not and he seems nice.”
“He’s always smiling in photos and if he’s not, he’s just kind of staring at you or something. Creepy.”
“The vast majority of country singers don’t even fuck their cousins.”
“Just a total gut feeling and no proof to back this up whatsoever, but I’m pretty sure he fucks stray cats.”
“He seems like the kind of guy who has a lot of celebrity friends who won’t talk to you because they don’t know you.”
“I don’t know…I think she’s different in real life than when I see her portraying characters in movies and singing and stuff.”
“He acts like he’s nice, but just try to contact him by typing his name into your cheap ass Mint Mobile phone. He’s never there.”
“He sings songs and stuff. No way is he like that in real life.”
“I have poops that are less stuck up than Ryan Reynolds.”
In recent years the idea of choosing your own pronoun has become commonplace in many institutions and businesses. Signature lines now include a short list after someone’s name that may say, “he, his, him,” or “they, their, them” for those who don't want to be identified in binary gender terms.
While pronoun requests are a hot topic in culture debates, new trends are competing for acceptance in our everyday parlance. We spoke with critical studies professor Charles DeMize about some upcoming culturally sensitive grammar changes.
INTERVIEWER: You spoke to me a little earlier about “tense” and how this is the new choice people must make in how they see themselves. Can you explain a bit about this?
CHARLES DeMIZE: The idea that time is linear is a Western, white male construct. Your tense may be even more important than your pronoun because it positions you in your reality, which is your sense of being on a much higher level.
INTERVIEWER: So, like your pronoun, you would also choose the tense people should associate with you?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Correct. For example, someone might identify in the past by using “was, were,” in the present with “am, is,” or in the future with “will be.”
INTERVIEWER: So, when you speak to someone who identifies as being in the past tense, you use only past tense when referring to him or her?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Or them.
INTERVIEWER: Right, of course.
CHARLES DeMIZE: If, for example, I used the somewhat archaic construction of, “Cindy went to the store and bought herself a soda,” I would now say for a non-binary future tense person, “Cindy will go to the store and will buy them a soda.”
INTERVIEWER: Even if that all happened in the past?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Again, we are not constraining ourselves to the linearity of time. In Cindy’s view, they live in the future.
INTERVIEWER: Who is “they”?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Cindy.
INTERVIEWER: Who’s on first? Ha ha.
CHARLES DeMize: Abbot and Costello were racist.
INTERVIEWER: Of course. Yes, I know that. Let me ask you, what is your tense?
CHARLES DeMize: It shifts, maybe three or four times a day, but that’s just me. I will take a present tense in the morning, and will shift to future, then back to present, and then I will spend the afternoon and evening being in the past. It all depends. Some days I will be entirely in the past, particularly when my high school reunion is looming, for instance.
INTERVIEWER: Do you feel like the use of personal tenses and turning plural pronouns into singulars could make basic communication untenable?
CHARLES DeMize: Yes, if you are a white supremacist.
INTERVIEWER: What’s next on the horizon? Are there any other grammar trends we should be aware of?
CHARLES DeMize: Conjunctions I believe will be very important in the next year or two.
CHARLES DeMize: Yes, I firmly believe that the way we connect words has great societal meaning and that people will begin to choose their preferred way of doing so to convey their positions on a variety of issues.
INTERVIEWER: Do you mean conjunctions like “and” and “but”?
CHARLES DeMize: “And” is an inclusive conjunction. “But” is negative and often used to exclude or diminish others. For example, one could say, “I love cats and dogs,” or you could say, “I love cats, but I am a white supremacist.” Using the conjunction “nor” could imply arrogance, because it is something generally associated with 18th century British sea captains whose world view probably includes using ethnic slurs we wouldn’t even recognize today. The same goes for “whereas” and “yet.” “Provided” implies privilege since only those with provisions can provide for anyone and that would mean they had accumulated wealth that they arrogantly bestow upon others at their discretion, thus being at odds with a world view of equality, sharing, and mobs of people finding where the rich store all their stuff and just taking it.
INTERVIEWER: Considering that all words could have some kind of political or social meaning, even if we just said that saying a word is discriminatory against people who are unable to speak, do we find ourselves on a slippery slope in which no one will be able to say anything and if they do it will just be nonsense?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Speaking is discriminatory.
INTERVIEWER: It’s been a pleasure having you here today, Professor DeMize.
CHARLES DeMIZE: By saying it is a “pleasure” and then saying you “had me” means that you are a mental rapist violating me by projecting unwanted sex scenarios into your sentence.
INTERVIEWER: I apologize. Could you tell me what an appropriate sign off for an interview should be?
CHARLES DeMIZE: Yes. Say this next time: “…”
INTERVIEWER: I didn’t get that. What did you say?
CHARLES DeMIZE: I said: “….”
INTERVIEWER: You didn’t say anything.
CHARLES DeMIZE: Exactly.
INTERVIEWER: So, should we just stop speaking? Is that the most socially sensitive thing to do?
CHARLES DeMIZE: ….
INTERVIEWER: I get it. You’re saying nothing.
CHARLES DeMIZE: …
INTERVIEWER: So I should just stop saying anything too. I get it. And then we just kind of sit here and…
CHARLES DeMIZE: …
CHARLES DeMIZE: …
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.