Ed Mountaineer adds to the twitter feud between Gerard Butler and Ryan Reynolds by telling our readers why he doesn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies. The reasons may astound you.
(From Ed Mountaineer)
I know a lot of people know me because of my relationships with celebrities and in the past year I’ve received a lot of criticism for my views on Ryan Reynolds. One reader made the claim that I was “hanging from Ryan's balls,” which is impossible because he has none. Burned.
I could end the article with that and the editor in my mind is screaming at me right now to do just that and walk away with a sick victory over Reynolds and all he represents, including airplane- themed alcohol (let’s drink and then fly a plane, bros!) and phones for poor people that trick them into thinking they’re going to have better breath (wrong!).
If you added up all the nonsense I’ve put up with from Reynolds it would total a number scientists haven’t invented yet because they would be like, “Why even have a number that high? That’s stupid.” Apparently they’ve never met Ryan Reynolds.
Anyway, when Gerard Butler came out to say he didn’t watch Ryan Reynolds movies, Reynolds shot back by promoting charities about democracy and civil liberties and racial justice or something. Huh? Maybe he should start a new charity to help all the people who tried to eat one of his phones because their breath was so bad? Or one for all the pilots who crashed planes after getting drunk on his booze? I don’t know, Ryan… Just thinking out loud.
I promised the Intergalactic Business Report I would tell you why I, like Gerard, don’t watch movies by Ryan Reynolds and it might not be for the reasons you think. Here they are:
1. I don’t own a t.v. They took it away from me and don’t get me started on who “they” is. The point really is, how am I supposed to watch movies if I don’t have anything to watch them on?
2. I am banned from most movie theaters. This is a known fact and probably the reason Reynolds likes to have so many of his movies play in them.
3. I am not able to “see” Ryan Reynolds. My brain is trained to immediately shut down images of Reynolds so that I never have to look at him. Yes, this means I would probably lose in a fight against him because he would essentially be invisible and could sneak around and punch me. If that makes you feel like a big man, Ryan, go ahead and take a swing.
4. If I were able to get into a Ryan Reynolds movie without being detained or arrested, I would probably need to take a dump right at that moment and be in the bathroom for the next thirty minutes and when I was done I’d wander into basically any other movie and watch that instead, even if it was about a family coming together for Christmas or Thanksgiving and they have to deal with a tragedy from the past.
5. I did see a Ryan Reynolds movie once. Before I smartly made my pledge to never again see a Ryan Reynolds movie, I did see one and didn’t understand who I was watching. I asked myself, “Who is this approachable, funny, and charismatic actor who makes me want to watch more?” But that was Albert Brooks.
6. My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynold’s. I just needed to say that. I almost typed, “My penis is bigger than Ryan Reynolds.”
7. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
Turns out the richest man on planet Earth reads a lot of books. Or at least that’s what the Intergalactic Business Report discovered when it sent its top writers on a mission to find out just what the eccentric billionaire has in his book collection. We were shocked. And a little surprised. But believe it or not* these are the stories, novels, and non-fiction works that Musk reads every day.
1. Big Titties: a pop-up view book.
Despite its suggestive title, this book also focuses on breasts that aren’t that big. Warning: when you open chapter five—Brenda’s Bouncing Triple Gs—you get hit in the face.
2. Only I may read this.
This book is so exclusive only Elon Musk is allowed to read it.
3. Robot Viking Booty Warrior.
This novel chronicles the adventures of Fyornstad Gruenstein, an ancient Viking who is resurrected by scientists in the year 2176 to star in his own talk show. Unfortunately, no one can communicate with him through speech since he can only talk with a lost language, so he just fucks things.
4. Bold inventions of the Kitty Empire.
Here we see stuff kittens have invented, like string they pulled from a ball of yarn and a dead bird wing.
5. Emperor Gorgon X’s command book for Elon Musk.
This is just a huge list of shit that Musk must get done for someone called Emperor Gorgon X. Example: “Prepare Earth for my arrival. I’m putting a lot of trust in you, man. Take it seriously, all right?”
6. How to make up cool-sounding shit that you’ll never actually do.
A guide for constructing big ideas that appear amazing but are actually total bullshit, this book instructs readers how they can take part A (I have a vision/plan/idea for the future), add it to part B (And that is that we will all be able to travel/communicate/trade/store things in) and then tack on part C (using giant rubber bands/telepathic brain plugs/space currency/your mom’s butt).
Every other week, Netflix announces it’s cancelling shows and every other week, the internet shows a picture of a show that there’s no way they’d cancel next to the headline that Netflix is cancelling shows. Want to know which series are getting the axe for real? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you eight shows that are finally meeting their demise. We list them below:
SHOW: Poison Pals (Cancelled).
PLOT: Two Nova Scotian high school boys poison each other on a dare.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: They both die in the first episode, because they eat the kind of poison that kills you immediately.
SHOW: Burstoff (Cancelled).
PLOT: David Burstoff is the world’s most successful art thief, but his lifestyle is in jeopardy when a loveable eight-year-old who may or may not be his son paints a picture worth 8 billion dollars. Should he steal from his own possible son? Or should he take the money he’s already made from stealing art over the years and buy a reasonable home in the suburbs and raise his maybe kid who will call all the shots in this new family because he’s now a billionaire. Also, there’s a maid who talks back a lot. Like she’s more part of the family than a domestic servant.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Read above.
SHOW: Are you fucking crazy? (Cancelled).
PLOT: Hot young studs are placed on an island with hot young women all of whom are clinically insane. After dating around for three days, the studs must choose to either leave the island as a couple or commit their new girlfriends to a mental health facility.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Executives found it too similar to every other stuck on an island dating program.
SHOW: Dustin Nason Unblown (Cancelled).
PLOT: Dustin Nason can’t get a blow job to save his life, both figuratively and literally, as a terrorist group gives him 30 minutes to get oral sex or they will ignite a bomb attached to his genitals.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: The show was only 30 minutes long, and even though Dustin achieves a blow job with a mysterious cloaked person who is also probably a member of the terrorist group, the terrorists didn’t really have an understanding about how to turn off explosives once they set them.
SHOW: River by the Bay (Cancelled).
PLOT: Becky Welsh is a big-time nail aesthetician from LA who gets displaced from the big city when Jeff, her powerful convenience store manager husband, has an affair with a Red Robin waitress and Becky makes a choice to leave him for a new life in the small town of River by the Bay. While jealous Jeff tries to find her whereabouts, Becky meets an attractive Taco Bell employee who may or may not be the third shift meat hose operator.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Episode 3, “Suck My Meat Hose,” brought about a lawsuit from Taco Bell and a broke several actors' mouths.
SHOW: The Beehaven Chronicles (Cancelled).
PLOT: This adaptation of the children’s book series features Abel Applethorpe, a feisty forty-seven-year-old man who moves to a new town and finds a secret world in his own butt, which he names Beehaven.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: In the books, Abel is ten years old and Beehaven is a secret fairy world he finds in the woods behind his old Victorian house. Not sure why Netflix changed all that but fans were like, “What?”
SHOW: Drive Till You Pass Out (Cancelled).
PLOT: Stunt driver Daryl Morin drives till he passes out, sometimes crashing his vehicle, but mostly he just pulls off the road and falls asleep.
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Daryl can drive almost forever, so the show is a lot of him driving and listening to podcasts. There’s also a lot of public service announcements about not driving tired, mostly starring Daryl, which seems kind of confusing.
SHOW: The Sword and the Goat (Cancelled).
PLOT: Parthian Prince Avanar Xaradu must defend his ancestral lands against invading Roman armies. Can he unite his people and use his guile and charm to trick his new enemies? Or will his weakness to have sex with farm animals all the time, impede his chances?
WHY IT WAS CANCELLED: Historians criticized the series for its misunderstanding of history including that there was a Parthian Prince who fucked goats and cows. But also basically everything else too.
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