Traveling to France? These four cultural hacks will immediately ingratiate you with the natives.
1. Make your shorts a “to go” bag. France is known for its rich cuisine, but residents keep their slim figures by being conscious about how much they consume. That’s why it is customary to take leftovers home in your pants, since doggy bags are almost never available. Simply take your uneaten food in your hands and pack it snugly in the pockets of your slacks or jean shorts. Voila!
2. Public nipple twisting. When the French see you doing this, it will bring an automatic smile to their faces, and they will probably be surprised that you are a foreigner. Simply go to a public place, make eye contact with someone, and slowly twist your nipples. Then increase speed as necessary.
3. Tell people that France “sucks.” The French are famous for their wry, self-deprecating humor, so jokingly disparaging their homeland with your amusing American accent is seen as hilarious and welcomed.
4. Sister and mother jokes also reign supreme. French citizens are quick to make light-hearted digs at people’s mothers and sisters. Show them you are French at heart by beating them to the punch and insulting the female members of their families. A favorite theme is teasingly suggesting that someone’s mother, for instance, may have worked as a prostitute at some point.
You hoped it would never happen, but there you are, stuck at a dinner party with smart people. Instead of trying to figure out why they call it a “party,” and worrying about how stupid everything coming from your dumb mouth sounds, just memorize these four intellectual sounding phrases, use your dumb mouth to speak them, and let the smarties squirm and discuss.
1. “Where’s the water closet?” This gives you an excuse to leave the room, possibly take a dump, and let your pointy-headed companions know that you don’t call it the crapper, head, or shit box.
2. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” Yes, it tastes like shit, but Grey Poupon is the most exclusive mustard in the world. Asking for it will make the other guests believe you are either royalty or some kind of art collector.
3. “This whole conversation is so derivative!” Declare this and then go to the water closet to take a dump.
4. “This dinner party reminds me of a scene out of Voltaire… Twisting out of sight…” Yes, this is a Duran Duran lyric, but it sounds like it means something, right?
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.