The Intergalactic Business Report started with a simple question: What is the scariest horror movie ever made that you’ve never heard of? Using science, we reached into data, film history, and science to find the solution. We answer the most common questions about the scariest movie ever (that you’ve never heard of).
How scary is the movie?
It’s scary. It is perhaps, no, definitely, the scariest movie ever. It is. It really is. It makes other scary movies look almost unscary. Maybe the best analogy would be if you ate a stick and thought it tasted pretty good and then someone handed you a piece of cheesecake and you were like, “Why did I eat that stick? It’s not even food.”
Are you sure I’ve never heard of it?
No one you know has ever seen it. You for sure haven’t. People who know people you know have never seen it either.
What’s the plot?
The plot is something you also don’t know and can’t guess. It’s not like one of those movies where you watch it and say, “Oh, yeah, that’s just like in that other movie I saw…” That won’t happen. If you ever see it. (See below).
How can I see this movie?
You probably won’t ever see it. It’s super hard to watch a movie you’ve never heard of and that no one you know has ever heard of. How would you find out about it?
How can I find the movie?
You can’t. Where would you even start looking?
How scary is it again?
Super. So scary. You wouldn’t even believe it.
Can I get it on DVD or VHS or Blu-Ray?
Who’s in the movie? What actors?
It’s impossible to say because you haven’t seen it. If you did see it, you might recognize an actor and say, “Oh, I know him. He’s from…” But you won’t because you can’t see the movie.
What’s the title of the movie?
This is what makes it so hard to find anywhere (at least one of the reasons). You don’t even know what it’s called.
Why am I reading this?
Because you believe in science and enjoy reading scientific explanations of things. Which this is.
Are the people writing this mentally ill or something?
Is drunk mentally ill?
Is this supposed to be funny or something?
Is science funny?
Did you even try to think of something to write about that wasn’t so fucking stupid?
If you like to geek out about cinema, you probably already know the story behind Apocalypse Now 2, and why it was never made. But new information garnered by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that the crazy story is even crazier than you thought.
Below we list seven insane facts about why a sequel will probably never get made.
1. THERE IS NO KNOWN SCRIPT FOR A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE.
This is maybe the biggest thing holding back production, according to experts. Without a script, it’s very difficult to make a film, because the script tells you what to do. If you don’t have it, then you are kind of stuck with a camera and some guys running around. That just doesn’t cut it.
2. NOBODY HAS A GOOD IDEA FOR WHAT A SEQUEL WOULD BE.
Everyone we talked to says they don’t even know what a second movie would be about. Some insiders even told us we were stupid for asking because, “Who let you into this building? Please leave or I’ll call security.”
3. A LOT OF THE ORIGINAL ACTORS ARE OLD OR DEAD.
The level of challenge in making a movie with dead actors is rated from “very challenging to impossible,” and old actors are slow and weak, according to life. It’s very possible that movie makers decided against creating a film that would feature people who weren’t there or be about grandparents in Vietnam.
4. THE COST OF MAKING A SEQUEL IS VERY EXPENSIVE.
We guess. Probably making any movie is expensive. So this would be no exception.
5. “APOCALYPSE NOW” IS A FINAL SOUNDING TITLE.
Making it seem a little stupid to make it “Apocalypse Now 2” or “Apocalypse Now Part Two.” We assume you’d have to come up with a different title, like “Apocalypse Now: The Next Day” or “Apocalater,” or something like that.
6. THERE ARE A LOT OF OTHER MOVIES.
It seems like there are so many movies already that it’s hard to squeeze in a sequel like this right now. Think about all the movies you’ve ever seen. Then add like a thousand to that number and that’s probably how many there are.
7. WE’RE DONE WRITING NOW. GOODBYE.
At this point, this article has run its course and doesn’t have a lot to add to itself.
In an act of supreme bravery and moral conscience, columnist Cedric Bigglestone types and entire letter to our readers—without correcting his spell check.
I’m not ashamed of my spell check and that’s why I wrote this column completely uncut penises. I realize that a lot of underage models become embarrassed when they titty something into their cum on my face, but I’m no limits bondage near me.
That’s why I tight butthole this note to all of you outer Mongolian pussy farm. I’m not editing it. And I hope that maybe it helps some chicks with dicks somewhere who might feel like naked wrestlers come to your home.
That’s anal for now. I know this column was shit pictures, but I was trying to make a pussy bigger than my face.
Best bitches who beat your ass,
Cedric Big titties
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.