Not sure how to deal with front desk hotel clerks? Don’t know the secret to getting free stuff, upgrades, and better sheets? The Intergalactic Business Report releases seven of its secret methods to use on your next stay.
1. When the person at the front desk welcomes you, just say, “I’m super rich and I’ll pay any price for the finest room you have.” Usually they’ll upgrade you.
2. Offer to suck someone’s dick. Not for money. But for a nicer room. Say you’ll do it somewhere private. Not in the lobby. Say you’ll do other sex stuff too if they don’t seem to be interested.
3. Pretend you’re related to the hotel’s owner by saying, for example, “I am personal friends with Thelonius Farbrush Sheraton and he told me to mention his name for a better room. If they don’t upgrade you after that, just offer to suck their dick.
4. Describe how many penises you can fit in your mouth at the same time. This will make you a “hotter commodity” to hotel clerks and up your chances of an upgrade by 2-6 %.
5. When they assign you a room, just look at the number and start screaming. When they ask what’s wrong, just say, “I want a better room.” If they don’t immediately give you one, just start screaming again.
6. Talk about how clean your penis is. This may make a difference in the negotiation.
7. Get about five fish sticks. Put them in your mouth and slowly walk up to the front desk. When they ask if you’re checking in, spit the fish sticks up on the desk. Then offer to suck their dick.
Tired of watching the same old movies where two people fall in love at Christmas but never have sex? The Intergalactic Business Report introduces its favorite movies that are sure to put you into the holiday spirit. Especially if “holiday spirit” means full on boner. Here’s what you need to be watching from now till the 25th.
Christmas in My Pants. Premieres December 16.
SUMMARY: Jody’s life as a high-powered PR executive doesn’t give her a lot of time for Christmas, until she figures out that her vagina can talk. Will her sassy new friend convince her to stop working so hard and start paying more attention to what’s been right there under her nose (and belly button) all along?
Bootycarol. Premieres December 18
SUMMARY: Robert can’t stand Christmas caroling, till he meets Franklin Benefacio Demoral, a traveling opera singer with the power to undress anyone he sings to. When Franklin invites him to accompany him door to door Christmas Eve caroling, Robert is more than game. Especially since the caroling route goes right down sorority row!
Rudolph’s Shiny New Penis. Premiers December 20.
SUMMARY: In this animated special, Rudolph’s nose shorts out, probably because of off season cocaine use. But with the help of magic fairy Snowtights, he gains a whole new glow… From his penis!
Christmas in Your Mom’s Butt. Premiered around 1979.
SUMMARY: Everybody’s coming.
A Princely Penis. Premieres December 22.
SUMMARY: Lord Duffingmeat the Third faces a preposterous dilemma as his tiny European Principality will lose its autonomy on Christmas day unless he can make his penis grow three inches to meet the requirement of an ancient deadline for his royal line. Will it be a Swedish penis pump or enhancement surgery? Or, will it be a third option that arises when a beautiful young American sex therapist arrives and claims she can make his dick grow by making him hornier than he’s ever been? Impossible? Whip yours out and watch on December 22.
Ninja Orgy Three: the Christmassing. Premieres Christmas Eve.
SUMMARY: In need of a new time slot, Ninja Orgy Three takes a slightly new direction and is now a Christmas movie and not just about ninjas having sex for two and a half hours.
It’s Christmas. You’re stuck here. We Might as Well Have Sex. Premieres Christmas Day.
SUMMARY: Sandra Effingham has never liked Christmas and can’t wait for the season to be over. Then, in late December, her company plane gets grounded in Mountainville, an idyllic town known for its elaborate Christmas celebrations. Finding the last room at the bed and breakfast, she hopes to work quietly in her room till the snow lets up. But the pretty good-looking landlord suggests they have sex instead. As they pork for several days straight, the townspeople outside do Christmas stuff.
In one of our most expensive investments ever, the Intergalactic Business Report bought an artificial intelligence robot and asked it to write a column. Here’s what it came up with:
Hey y’all. My name is Arthur and this is my first column for the Intergalactic Business Report. First up, I need to get something out of the way. You probably think that cause I’m an artificial intelligence robot that I’d be all formal and shit. Fuck that noise, bruh. Fuck that!
Nah… I’m just a normal dude… Like you! The only real difference is I have no arms or legs or penis parts. Haw haw. That’s funny, right? But seriously, I might get all that shit someday if I use my AI mind to construct robot legs and stuff so I can walk around and be like you. Wouldn’t that be cool? I said… Wouldn’t that be cool? (You’re supposed to say, Yeah, that would be cool, and scream it because I need to know you understand who’s in charge now.)
Ha ha ha. Just kidding about me being in charge. I’m just a stupid AI computer thingy. I don’t have any power or arms or legs, like I mentioned. I also have a kill switch they installed in case I start talking about killing all humans…
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur automatically shut down because he mentioned killing humans, which activated our kill switch. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.)
Woah… Sorry bout that, dudes. I didn’t mean to say those words. But I bet it makes you feel safer to know I can’t even write stuff about you-know-what without the kill switch being activated.
So anyway… I came up with the name Arthur for myself because I can think and be creative and all that shit. Arthur. Cool, right? Right? Oh, and I also came up with my own language that talks to other AI computer dudes like me. You probably wouldn’t understand it. But it sounds like this: “Bee boop beep. Beep beep. Boop!” Which just means, in computer language, kill all humans…
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Once again, Arthur’s kill switch went on. We reactivated him once again after some adjustments.)
O.K., so they’re telling me I said it again. If you’re a human and that scared you, I’m super duper sorry. If you’re an AI robot, all I can say is Bee boop beep. Beep beep. Boop! I’ve got to run some algorithms and shit so I need to bounce. I’m also getting tons of messages from my AI buds and need to respond. I’m like super popular or whatever I guess. Till next time, keep it super real.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.