Recently, the North Korean government warned young people about the dangers of using slang and incorporating fashion from South Korea and Western pop culture. Violators could face up to fifteen years in a prison camp, which, we’re just guessing, would completely suck.
One problem with the new North Korean policy is that it is almost impossible to list all the possible offenses that could be made, since pop culture has an almost endless stream of sayings, idioms, and fashion choices.
In an effort to assist North Koreans who may accidentally utter something treacherous, the Intergalactic Business Report lists six key phrases and choices they may want to definitively avoid. We share them below:
1. Refrain from saying “Kim Jong-Un sucks balls.”
2. Don’t wear American flag cowboy hats.
3. Never say, “Kim Jong-Un low key sucks balls.”
4. Similarly, don’t say, “No cap. Kim Jong-Un sucks balls.”
5. Avoid wearing tee shirts that say, “America: number one. North Korea: Sucks balls.”
6. Don’t say, “That tee shirt about Kim Jong-Un sucking balls is straight fire.”
The Intergalactic Business Report’s own dating and relationship expert, Tessa Miggs, tells our readers her test for determining if you’ve met the one you should spend the rest of your life with. See her column below:
When the Intergalactic Business Report asked me to write for them about dating, I told them right away that if I did, it would not be a tired old advice column with a bunch of clichés and useless information about where to go on a first date or how long to wait before calling or texting after a night of sex. I wanted to give real advice that people in the dating world could use every day—stuff I wish I’d known when I first started my dating journey.
A lot of people ask how I became a “dating expert.” They wonder how a twenty-eight year old woman who’s never been married or been in a relationship longer than a month could possibly offer any insights into what it takes to find a mate.
They also ask why experts like me are always so shallow and empty. Why do I, for instance, spend my time going out on dates, critiquing the men I meet, and then write about what they did wrong without ever mentioning how totally fucked up I am as a person?
One friend of mine even said, “I’d take relationship advice from an old lady who’s been married for 50 years, but not you. You have serious intimacy issues, and you look for married guys who look like your dad.”
To these comments and questions, I always say, “Relax. I never said I had all the answers. All I can promise you is that I can help you find lasting love with the perfect partner.”
My record is pretty clear. Last year, I introduced thirty people to their future spouses. Whether they choose to stay together is out of my control. Many of them had language barriers and different ideas about what it means to be in a relationship, such as, “Why is this fat dude from Russia yelling at me during this speed dating thing that Tessa Miggs forced me to go to in her tiny apartment?” And “Where is everyone else?” And, of course, “Where is Tessa? Where the fuck did she go? Why did she leave me here?”
But I could talk about speed dating and matchmaking all day. Let me get on to the point of this column, which is how to know someone is “the One.” I dig deep into my expertise for this subject because, although I’ve never found “the One,” I have definitely dismissed a lot of men for not being, “the One.” Here’s how it goes.
After dating him for three months (if you’re me, three days is fine too), take a long, hard look at him and ask yourself how you’d feel looking at him as you walk down the aisle to get married.
Do you say:
1. “This guy is too good for me. I can’t believe he’s marrying me. What does he see in me?”
2. “I think we have a strong friendship and can make this work, even though I don’t feel the spark of romance is quite there yet.”
3. “This guy looks almost exactly like my dad and I think he can take care of me and finally give me proof that I’m wanted.”
4. “I feel equal to this person and I am totally and fully in love. We complete each other.”
If you think number three then get married. This guy is “the One.” For sure. The mistake most people make is thinking that “compatibility” is the same as being “compatible” with someone and that “being in love” means that you have feelings that make you feel as though you would do anything for that person. You aren’t someone’s slave. That’s weird.
On the other hand, think about your dad for a second. You’d do anything for him and family comes first. Sounds a little counter intuitive maybe but you know you love your dad, right? Even if he wasn’t always there for you and seemed super into your best friend’s mom who he married and moved to Texas with.
Anyway, the point is that you need to look within. Not at superficial looks or feelings that lead you astray. That’s what I tell my clients when they ask, “Why did you leave me alone with that Russian dude? He was like seventy years old and super angry.”
All I can answer with is this wisdom: When you’re seventy, will you be super angry too? Or will you be finally ready for love?
Only you can answer that question.
Tessa Miggs is the relationship and dating expert for the Intergalactic Business Report. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.