 "You're what?" Once considered courageous, coming out sexually has become ordinary and, dare we say, boring. “Coming out” used to be the culmination of years of agony, secrets, and misunderstanding, but today it is more like a gender reveal party in which participants guess what sex stuff you’re into and when you tell them, they’re like, “Oh, I was hoping for Orangutan molester.”
As a publication consistently ahead of trend, the Intergalactic Business Report introduces its readers to what we feel will be the most common lifestyle confessions friends and family will make to one another in coming years. Get ready to hear these, give a hug, and tell them you’d love them no matter what. “I’m an asshole.” Be prepared to console your little brother when he confirms what you suspected for years—that he’s a degenerate piece of shit but couldn’t help it because he was born that way. “I have a full loaf of bread in my butt.” So that’s what it was all this time. A loaf of fucking bread. In her butt. That explains everything. “I perform experimental surgery on dead hobos.” Imagine the shame and embarrassment that our culture puts on those who find the bodies of homeless people and try their hand at operating on them. Make sure you tell your wife that you understand why she was gone all those late nights and that it must have been dangerous for her to troll under bridges for dead bodies. Volunteer to do it with her so she can be whole again. Then when she finds her next subject, you can be like, “Wait a minute, those hobos are alive,” and she can be like, “Not for long.” “I have non-sexual, non-consensual penis sword fights with rodents in my back yard.” This is why your older brother never married. Because he lost so many fights and could never be with a woman. Time to hug it out. “I’m into dinosaurs. Like really into dinosaurs.” At some point, you stopped asking your youngest his favorite creature from the Mesozoic Era. Now he’s 35. You may question why he didn’t go into paleontology or something, but he just means he likes to fuck dinosaurs, not study them or whatever. And then you ask him, “When have you ever fucked a dinosaur?” And he’s like, “Never, that’s the problem.”* “I’m a sarcastic bitch.” All those times your little sister said she liked something, gave you a compliment, or told you she’d love to help you out, were lies. Deep down, you always felt like something was off when she talked to you like a condescending asshole, but you just went with it. Now she has the courage to admit that all along she was just a sarcastic bitch and could never tell you because you were such great, perfect person who didn’t have any fucked up problems of his own and just needed to be left alone so he could get back to his super important job that made him all that money and prestige. *We guess this belongs in the “coming out sexually” category, under dino-fucker.  I have one question for “MAGA” republicans. Hitler much? If that offends you, then stop talking about how nobody should get offended when you make racist jokes and hate on LGBTQLMNOPlus people. Am I right? Somewhere, someone SANE just said “Amen” to that because, even though I don’t believe in God, I align myself with African-American churches where people say “Amen” and “Preach on” and “Testify.” So thank you, probably black person, who said that when reading this.
The Intergalactic Business Report asked me to write this column because they said they were interested in someone who would just write crazy shit and who couldn’t be paid because she doesn’t accept “money” because that’s what wrong with this planet, along with poverty, climate change, racism/sexism/homophobia, and also pollution and white people and disinformation and religion but not Islam. Now I’m going to say something just to piss you off. Che Guevara was hot. So was Chairman Mao even though he didn’t take showers or bathe. That’s nasty. I like nasty. Another thought: I hope every climate denier out there burns their hand on their stove today because that’s like a million degrees cooler than the sun so get used to it. Also, polar bears are hot. I would totally have sex with one and then let it eat me because I deserve to die because I’m human and destroy the planet by existing. Communism: the radical idea that all people are equal, except the ones who don’t agree with communism. Those people need to get rounded up and killed. Capitalism: the warped idea that if I can run faster than you, think better than you, and do everything better than you, that justifies me beating you in a race, getting into a better college, and living a better life. Let’s get real for a hot second. Not everyone is “clinically depressed” and been “diagnosed with multiple personality disorders” like me. But here’s a question: if you’re so great why are you wearing 500-dollar sneakers made in a sweatshop in Asia and posting dick picks on a phone a child constructed while he had an AK-47 pointed at his head? I’ll take my “dangerous to herself and others” diagnosis over your sorry bullshit any day. Barbie movie. Also, sex workers. Don’t call them prostitutes. And, before I forget, plus size models are beautiful and if you don’t believe that then maybe you need to gain some more weight you disgusting hillbilly. Now I’m talking to those enlightened people whose minds are awake and open and understanding of my thoughts. To you, I say, let’s just kill ourselves, o.k.? We don’t deserve to be on this planet, and we should just leave it to the racist clowns who live for Nascar and monster trucks and flush toilets. If we want a serious look at a serious future for the hu-womyn not racist, I think we need to finally implement:
I think I just heard another “amen.” A couple other thoughts: Gender is a political construct. That means if you want to know whether I’m a boy or a girl you can suck my dick—either way. Wealth redistribution: the radical idea that people who don’t have any money should switch with people who do have money. Country music: what Hitler would have listened to if he grew up in Tennessee. My personal activism is feeling so hot right now I may masturbate on Fisherman’s Wharf. Some people will feel threatened by that because in today’s America, public self-pleasure is considered wrong and dirty and something to be ashamed of. We’re taught that our bodies are sinful and should be covered and hidden but that’s just puritanical slavery inculcated into our society to oppress women and reduce them to objects of sexuality and reproduction and that’s just evil except if you do it for religious reasons that aren’t Christianity. Then it’s beautiful and we should stone any motherfuckers who disagree. The killing fields: the radical idea that we should get back to nature, drop destructive social classes, and murder everyone. O.K. I think I’m done writing now, but I hope I’ve made a difference. Don’t forget, you can be the change you want to make and that justice is not a choice—it’s a right. Also, vote. Radna Shurebeets is a political activist whose views are often considered a “little much” by people who hear her views. But herstory is never made by womyn who are “just right.” If you’d like to contact Radna, or comment, you can reach her at [email protected]. |
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