 Following our last report about the guy who took the time to post on Facebook that Ed Mountaineer’s article about the Joker was the “biggest waste of time ever,” several new developments have occurred. First, another totally different guy took the time to post that he agreed with the first guy’s assessment and added that that “it (the article) would have been worth it if it were funny…” and then he paused to leave the killer ending to his comment which was simply: “It wasn’t,” sending daggers into the hearts of everyone on our team who had been reading and hoping that Guy Number Two might end the sentence with a surprise, positive review…. he didn’t. Then, with a flourish worthy of the greatest critical minds of the past few centuries, Guy Number One came back to say, brilliantly, “Arthur Fleck is funnier than this guy.” We looked it up and Arthur Fleck is the name of the Joker before he becomes the Joker in the Joker movie. Very sneaky, Guy One. But, again, brilliant. We thought maybe this display of genius critical analysis had ended, but it wasn’t over yet. In what can only be described as a stunning twist, a third guy, who had been lurking in the wings and reading the comments of the first two guys, submitted his own, extraordinary take on the situation and that was that Ed “…is the perfect person to judge the portrayals he himself admits he’s never seen…” Guy Number Three then offered a devastating conclusion by saying, “Enough said.” The question remains whether Guy Number Three has the power to end all conversation about our Joker article by simply saying, “Enough said.” Will Guys Numbers One and Two silently internet nod to him in a sign of deference, or will they go counter to his proclamation by saying something else? We can only wait patiently and see.  Recently, Ed Mountaineer’s article about the Joker received a superlative, but short review from a reader who called it the “biggest waste of time ever.” Dusty Latouffe, our Supreme Editor, reacts. Dear IBR readers: As the Supreme Editor of the Intergalactic Business Report, I receive a lot of feedback and comments from our fans. But it is seldom that we touch a reader’s soul so deeply that he takes the time to tell us that what we wrote reaches the level of the biggest waste of time in his (and anyone else’s) life. To put this in context, imagine all the events in your life that you would consider a waste of time. This would include whacking off after you already whacked off but you had nothing else to do so you did it anyway and it didn’t work so you just stopped and went to see if Baywatch was on. It would also include that time you spent four hours trying to help that foreign guy at the bus stop only to find out he wasn’t foreign, but just from Alabama, and he was trying to get you to join a cult. And don’t forget about the 46 hour bender where you wrote your young adult novel about supernatural teenagers who were made out of bread and got soggy when it rained. Reading Ed’s 662-word article beats all of that. So, we thank the guy who put one of our articles on the top of not only his list, but yours. At IBR, we pride ourselves on being the biggest, best, and the most, and today we kind of proved that. Keep reading and we’ll keep delivering news and insights so important they go beyond our galaxy. Thanks for making us number one again, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report  A lot of people ask me, “Ed, are you the only one on the planet who tells the truth?” My answer to them: “How much do you charge for just a blowjob?” I ask them that because they are right. I’m the only one who actually tells the truth, and I want to know how much it costs for a blow job.
When I’m not thinking about the price of sex, I’m almost 100% focused on the Joker, which makes me the perfect person to write an opinion article about which actor portrayed the character best. Using my deep understanding and decades of knowledge on this subject, I came to a final and definitive conclusion about who was the greatest Joker. I focused on six performances I feel are most important. Then I dissected and analyzed them in such detail that I don’t think any other human being could seriously say they worked harder for an answer about anything ever in their pathetic lives. What comes next is intended to, once and for all, end all arguments about this subject forever. Read on. CESAR ROMERO: The ultimate Joker, Romero held court in the whacky camp version of the Batman universe. Jokers should make you laugh, right? And although I can’t totally remember any episodes or lines Romero had, I do recall him being pretty damn funny. I’m kind of laughing right now in my head just thinking about it. JOAQUIN PHOENIX: I haven’t seen the newest “Joker” movie yet, but from what I can tell, it doesn’t live up to the same standards as Cesar Romero in the whacky camp version of the Batman universe. What’s funny about Joaquin Phoenix besides his silly name? Answer: not much. Maybe if he made a movie called, “Joaquin Phoenix” I would go see that because it would have to be hilarious, right? Wrong. It would suck. JARED LETO: Jared Leto was in “My So Called Life.” That’s why I like to call his version of the Joker “My So Called Joker.” Get it? Also, I didn’t see Suicide Squad because it looked kind of dumb. JACK NICHOLSON: “Wait till they get a load of me,” Nicholson’s joker boasted in the trailer for the 80’s Batman film he was in. I didn’t watch this one, I think, so I never received his load? Wait. Was this one a porn? Jack Nicholson did porn in the 80’s? Someone’s yelling at me and confirming that yes, he did. HEATH LEDGER: Heath Ledger was a great actor… In “Ten things I hate about you,” and some other stuff. As for his portrayal of the joker? I have no idea, because I didn’t see the movie. I’m guessing, though, that it didn’t reach the heights Cesar Romero did in the fun, camp, whacky version of the Batman universe, where he portrayed the “clown prince” in a way that was both camp, funny, and yes, even whacky. JEFF REFFARD: Jeff Reffard is my neighbor who, like probably ten million other cake-humpers is planning to dress up as the Joker for Halloween this year. I’m going to guess his portrayal of the Joker will be pretty much exactly like everyone else’s and that he’ll probably try to do a stupid Joker laugh every time he sees people. Jeff’s like thirty something years old too. When do you stop dressing up for Halloween anyway? Fuck Jeff Reffard’s Joker is I guess what I’m saying. THE WINNER: Cesar Romero, whose whacky, camp version of the joker brought fun and merriment with its camp whackiness. THE LOSER: Although technically everyone besides Cesar Romero lost in this contest, Jeff Reffard is the true loser who I’m going to call out right now because he sucks so hard. At least those other guys whose movies I didn’t see were hired to play the Joker. Jeff hired himself and paid for a costume, which makes him the biggest loser of them all. Fuck Jeff. And fuck Jeff too. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. His views almost directly coincide with everything we believe in and cherish with no reservations or hesitation whatsoever. When he writes something, we just nod our heads before we even read it. He can be reached at [email protected].  Wanna travel the world like a pro?* The Intergalactic Business Report gives you seven unbelievable travel hacks that will change the way you do everything. THE PROBLEM: You get off your flight and wait an hour for your suitcase to show up on the baggage claim turnstile. THE HACK: Pack yourself inside your bag and just walk out of your luggage when you feel it moving on a conveyor belt. THE PROBLEM: You have to show your ID or passport to some TSA agent or foreign official. THE HACK: Create your own badge that says TSA Four Star General, and tell the agent to grovel before you. THE PROBLEM: You go to a crappy airport store and pay $75 for a pack of Mentos and a bottle of water. THE HACK: Make your own Mentos using toothpaste, old gum, and a soldering tool. Sneak these into the airport in your butthole, even though it’s not illegal to have homemade Mentos. Then make yourself totally independent of water by never drinking it or any liquid again. That solves both problems. Good job. THE PROBLEM: The airplane bathrooms are always occupied and there’s a line of people waiting to use them. THE HACK: Shit your pants and then, gorilla style, scoop out some poop and wildly throw it at everyone in the restroom. They will clear out immediately and you’ll have the entire place to yourself. THE PROBLEM: The airplane restaurants don’t use real silverware because of security concerns. THE HACK: Start practicing six months before your trip how to eat only with your hands. Then, when you get to the restaurant take your food and, gorilla style, fling it at everyone till they all clear out of the restaurant. Then you can eat alone without the embarrassment of everyone staring at you because you eat only with your hands. THE PROBLEM: Airline seats are cramped and uncomfortable. THE HACK: Shorten your legs by sawing off the area just above your feet. Then wear fake feet that are smaller than what your old feet were. First, you have the bonus of a few extra inches of foot room. And second, your feet aren’t there, so they don’t feel the pain of being squished and they never lose blood flow because you don’t have blood flowing to them anymore, because they’re not there. THE PROBLEM: You want to join the “mile high club” but the bathrooms are cramped and you’re traveling alone. And you’re not very attractive too. THE HACK: Ask for an extra blanket, then whack off in your seat. Then wait for someone to notice. Then ask if that person would like to join the mile high club with you. Then wait to be arrested. Then ask the arresting office if he/she would like to join the mile high club with you. And so on, till you get to a prison and just have sex with whoever takes you first. *Is being a professional traveler a thing? Sure, we guess. |
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