The good old days weren’t so great, so the Intergalactic Business Report rejoices in pointing out 8 types of people from the past who are no longer around today. Actually it really sucks that numbers 6 and 7 no longer exist. We don’t rejoice in that. Anyway, you get it.
Obsolete people from 50 years ago:
1. Racist little league coach.
2. Hippie who finally figured out that being a hippie sucked and that he wanted to own things instead of living in a commune and sharing his girlfriend with the guys who showed up there without girlfriends because they’d never had one in real life.
3. On the run World War Two Nazi.
4. Accordion instructor.
5. Dentist who feels you up with his free hand while pretending to check your teeth with his other.
6. Burt Reynolds.
7. Pornstar who used to be a serious actor, kind of.
8. Macramé artist.
The Intergalactic Business Report offers a new special series encouraging readers to take time to not only walk in other people’s shoes, but also to step in dog shit and then clean it off.
We begin our series with a focus on Americans. Below, we enlighten you with 9 reasons it’s hard to be an American. The next time you come across one, please be sensitive and kind.
1. Nobody ever says, “Death to Finland.”
2. British actors take all the good t.v. and movie roles with their fake American accents.
3. When you enter a foreign McDonalds and order a “fucking Big Mac” the people look at you funny and then the fucking Big Mac doesn’t taste the same as it does in America.
4. When Americans are abroad they have to eat crappy ketchup the foreigners make. Seriously, you guys can’t figure out how to make ketchup?!
5. Camouflage Crocs are almost always sold out and Americans have to choose other colors or wait, which we’re never going to do, right? So we end up with orange Crocs. Or white ones. But we really wanted the camo Crocs.
6. At the Olympics, we have to add stupid sports that only really crappy countries are good at so they can feel good about winning something. Woo hoo. A gold medal in “crunch jumping.” Congratulations, Andorra!
7. After the Olympics, three Americans decide to learn crunch jumping and beat the shit out of the Andorrans. Then we have to let in another stupid sport. The Faroe Islands have a great “wiggle waggle” team and they’re great at killing whales. Look for those in 2020.
8. Now that pot is becoming legal everywhere, Americans are forced to pretend like all the crap they said about how smoking pot was bad for you was wrong and that now it’s good for you and cures diseases instead of just makes you want to listen to Pink Floyd in your parents’ basement.
9. The American male penis is up to four inches larger than European penises according to a recent survey of American men. How can American men have reasonable conversations with European men without constantly being distracted by how much bigger their dicks are?
An open lettre to all English-type people. IBR publicly apologises to London. Vows to create new bridge between the magazine and limeys.
To say the relationship between the Intergalactic Business Report and Londoners has been rocky would be an understatement of the kind where a statement that isn’t quite true is stated anyway.
In the past, IBR has made claims about London, the country of England, and Great Britain that could only be categorized as false or misleading. This led many crotchstoffits (an idiomatic term Londoners call themselves) to name IBR writers as “twats” and refer to their writing as “utter crap.”
Now the online magazine has issued a public apology to all Britons* including those who speak like they are from the Hobbit movies. Supreme editor Dusty Latouffe issued the following open letter to all English-type people.
To my dear English friends:
I deeply regret if our past articles have offended any of you, and we vow to be not only more sensitive in the future, but also more accurate in our writings about your great land. We were dicks and we realize that now.
Like many Americans, I have always seen the U.K. as a magical place that took our language and made it flouncier. Personally, I have a great affection for England. I love English actors like the great Phil Collins and Gwyneth Paltrow, and have admired your country’s rich tradition of creating boy bands and television shows people pretend to have watched because they think their friends will find them more intellectual.
I also am a staunch admirer of those whacky hooligans whose words I can’t understand because it sounds like they’re eating their last prison meal while they yell at you. I think those guys are adorable. And who couldn’t fall in love with your charming tweed clothing and the way you speak without really opening your mouths all the way? It’s ventriloquism on par with Willy Tyler and Lester. Only it’s not Willy Tyler and Lester. It’s all of you! Amazing.
I guess what I’m saying is that I love you guys. I love England! And those other parts of England that you keep telling me aren’t England, like Wales and Scotland and Westeros. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot when the Intergalactic Business Report erroneously stated that McDonald’s coupons serve as British currency and that you love it when people call you “governor.” Again, our bad. We were dicks.
And this is why, today, we make a public vow to treat your country better and to celebrate it properly through accurate and sensitive reporting. To prove this, we hereby knight thee all high lord commanders of her majesty’s order of Victorian noblemen! Please rise!
Thanks again, English-type people. We hope this letter mends our relationship and leads us forward together.
With deepest respect,
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report.
*Briton is a stripper name in the U.S. but means “flaky cracker” in England. We aren’t sure why they call one another this, but they do for some reason.
New warning issued: Reading the Intergalactic Business Report may permanently erode your brain.
By now you may have seen our recent article on a reader who claims an IBR story stole his “life energy.” This caused the Intergalactic Business Report to undertake a full audit of past stories to determine whether we are indeed causing irreparable harm to our audience. The results astounded us.
While we stand by our mission to deliver readers news and insights so important they go beyond our galaxy, we also concede that the power behind our articles is sometimes so strong it may bewilder, confuse, and even make them question their sanity. Worst of all, time spent reading IBR articles is time that can never be recovered and is lost forever.
Below are some reader comments from the past year that exhibit this frustration. We are reprinting them below to show that we are listening and care what they think.
We separated these into three categories: anger, bewilderment, and horror.
“Whoever wrote this is a twat…”
“This is utter crap…”
“What a load of crap…”
“The article was lame and childish…”
“Clearly none of you have been to journalism school…”
“What in the world is this?”
“So many things wrong…”
“I hope this is a joke…”
“The author seems to have no value. Why would anyone want him around?”
“I kept waiting for a punchline or something that made the effort to read it worthwhile…Didn’t happen…”
“I just wasted life energy reading this piece of shit.”
“After reading the Intergalactic Business Report, I now pledge my allegiance to Satan…”
“I think my face is on fire…”
“Where’s my cat?”
“Before I read this, I was young. I just looked in the mirror and I’m an old man.”
If you feel your life has been altered, you have perverse visions, or that your life energy is depleted from reading an Intergalactic Business Reportarticle, please contact us at email@example.com.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.