Bachelor bombshell: What actually happens in the “fantasy” suite. An exposé by Cedric Bigglestone.3/12/2024  This week on ABC’s “the Bachelor” the long-anticipated fantasy suite episode arrived, in which bachelor Joey spends sexy alone time with women who’ve decided to let go of their fears from their last relationship where their boyfriends cheated on them by dating a guy who is definitely going to pork two other women right before or after he porks them.
But what really happens in the “fantasy” suite after a bachelor awkwardly whips out an envelope with a girlish handwritten letter from host Jesse Palmer, inviting the couple to join him for a night of no limits sex and betrayal? Wait. What? That’s right. Are Joey’s paramours also “Jesse’s girls”? Self-taught investigative journalist Cedric Bigglestone exposes the popular show with a scandal for the ages. Below are his stunning findings. The Bachelor’s fantasy suite is a den of lies. By Cedric Bigglestone. Part one: Not a Bachelor fan. But a fan of justice and morality. Let me start by saying I’m not one of those guys who “watches” the Bachelor on ABC. I’m one of those guys who doesn’t “watch” the Bachelor on ABC. So when a tip came to me that something called the “fantasy suite” was not what it seemed, I was like, O.K. And then I kind of stopped listening. Whoever told me this kept bitching though. On and on and on. Till finally I had to ask, “What is the bachelor?” and “How do you know I’m not going to order something after I get done taking a shit in this Taco Bell bathroom?” And, of course, to myself I asked, “Why is the manager of Taco Bell telling me all this?” She seemed terrified. As if this was a secret that could get her killed. Needless to say, I didn’t order anything when I was done, and there was what many would call a “screaming match” in the parking lot because you’re not supposed to take dumps at Taco Bell without getting food and also because it was closed and was still under construction. Usually, I never lose screaming matches, but this time, as I kept listening, I felt there was something different about all the things this lady was telling me. I guess you could say that I “finally started listening to women” even if it was for a few seconds. Later on, a cop would tell me that she wasn’t even a Taco Bell manager, but instead a person who had wandered onto the Taco Bell construction site, apparently to impart wisdom on patrons like me. As an investigative journalist, I see things you may not. I opened my ears and in flowed information—this time about a show called the bachelor. I did my research and due diligence. I watched a few episodes and began to understand the plot, which is basically that tennis teacher Joey Graziadei prays to a Jesse Palmer who makes a bunch of women want to be his wife. From there, Joey makes cuts till he gets down to the three women he wants to have sex with the most. Jesse transports them to a resort where the women are chided into being “vulnerable” so Joey can have his way with them in a hotel room called the “fantasy suite.” Sounds pretty great for Joey, right? Almost too great? I thought so too. What I found out next was worse than a Taco Bell construction site bathroom. The fantasy suite was a den of lies. Part two: Indecent proposal, only it’s a three-way. For the next seventeen hours, I talked with several sources not affiliated with the show. They told me things that were sometimes unprintable because they were in other languages I didn’t understand, and they also told me things that were in English, which I will tell you about now. Bombshell one: The fantasy suite note is from Jesse. Why? After bachelor Joey has narrowed down his sex targets and isolated them at a Mexican resort, he takes them on “dates” in the jungle. Later, at “dinner” he presents them with a note, from Jesse Palmer, asking them if they want to join him in the fantasy suite. Most people see the note and assume it only pertains to Joey and his sex date. But the note is from Jesse Palmer. Why the fuck would Jesse Palmer “invite” a couple to have sex in a hotel room? The answer: because when they arrive there, he’s on the bed, waiting. Bombshell two: The couple is never shown actually fucking. Why? Probably what jumped out at me the most about the fantasy suite episode of the bachelor is that after the couples go back to the hotel room, they are never seen actually having sex. Considering the whole point of the fantasy suite is to bone, why is the boning not filmed? Or is it? What’s even weirder is that after they enter the suite, the show skips to the next day, and nobody talks about boning. Most people would be lying in bed and saying stuff like, “Your snatch was really huge” or “Way to fuck me last night.” These couples say nothing. One of my sources thinks she has the answer. She told me simply: “Jesse makes them shut up. He don’t like them talking ‘bout what happened.” Bombshell three: You can’t give plasma if you’re drunk. Did you even know that? Jesus fucking christ. Bombshell four: Does anyone even know who Jesse Palmer is? I asked some of my sources about Jesse Palmer. I got all kinds of fucked up answers, none of which made any sense. “He’s a football player,” one told me. Then I learned he’s Canadian, which makes that impossible. “He used to be the bachelor” another one insisted. “So,” I reasoned with the source, “that would mean he used to fuck himself in the fantasy suite?” Clearly, Jesse Palmer, along with other Canadians, sneaks into our world to confuse and beguile us, much like old screwtape. Bombshell five: If that Taco Bell wasn’t even built yet, what the fuck was I taking a shit into? I may never know the answer to this. Part Four: Conclusion. Conclusions are always the hardest part of any exposé because in an investigation like this, you end up with more questions than answers. For example:
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected].  Maybe he didn’t make those loaves and fishes all for himself, but new research commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report suggests that the historic Jesus was most likely massively overweight, especially for his time. This discovery further solidifies a theory that for decades has been buried owing to its controversial nature.
The study clocks in at a hefty (Jesus-like) 2,036 pages (double-spaced), and may finally settle the issue on Jesus’s weight of around 300 pounds on a five-foot-seven and a half frame. Scholars contend that if Jesus were indeed morbidly obese, it could alter the way we view history, religion, and the nature of heaven and hell. Below we summarize the 11 most gripping concerns this report presents: 11 ways Fat Jesus changes everything: 1. When the second coming arrives, Jesus will probably want to hit a Wendy’s before he passes judgment on humanity. 2. Speaking of passing judgment, the sin of gluttony will be replaced by the sin of "passing an Arby's." 3. Sales trainer Andy Elliot will need to stop asking people to take their shirts off and get a six pack unless he wants to constantly face the seminar-ending comeback of, “Would you say that to Jesus?” 4. Instead of limiting communion to a sip of wine and a wafer, a taco bar will be installed next to church alters. 5. The question of “What would Jesus do?” is answered now with: “Eat late night taco bell and leftover birthday cake.” 6. Instead of using righteousness and the power of good, Jesus can defeat the devil with an “extreme weight takedown” by just jumping on his back and holding on till old Screwtape is crushed. 7. Jesus saves… a stash of Snickers bars in his nightstand. 8. “Jesus, you’re fat,” “Jesus, did you eat everything in the fridge?” and “Jesus, you need to lose some fucking weight,” are now insulting messages directly to God and not things you just say to roommate Phil Ratuliak. 9. Spreading the word of Jesus is still the number one priority. But spreading the peanut butter for Jesus is now number two. 10. Jesus is real… Fat. 11. And Jesus said to Paul, “Are you gonna finish that?” |
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