Fresh off their recent hit, “America’s open. So is my snatch,” the Intergalactic Business Report’s singer/songwriter duo, Jeff Massengill and Summer Eve, return with a new song about how they plan to spend this Thanksgiving holiday amid the Coronavirus pandemic. While we can’t provide sound or melody, we are releasing the lyrics, below:
“Had fun all this summer, but that’s gonna end… Another big lockdown is just round the bend…”
“We’ve stocked all our whiskey and toothpaste in tubes… On my kitchen table is a bottle of lube..”
“If you’ve got a penis and you’re all alone… You don’t need nobody, cause you have your bone…”
“No Turkey no gravy no cranberry sauce… Just me and my wiener getting ready to toss…”
“My holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving Ima play with myself…”
“It’s lonely this Thursday with no one around… But I do have one friend every time I look down…”
“No relatives with all their political rants… So this year I’m gonna get in my own pants…”
“My celebrations have gone up a notch… Since I decided to be with my crotch…”
“My holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving Ima play with myself…”
“Your holiday plans have been put on a shelf… So this Thanksgiving, just play with yourself…”
*Artist notes: REPEAT LIKE FORTY TIMES.
In solidarity with the people of Chicago, Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer prepares for a solo Thanksgiving. His insights may help everyone go it alone successfully this holiday.
First off, my name is Ed Mountaineer. I always like to get that out of the way. Second off, I want to talk about my plans for Thanksgiving this year. I just learned that people in Chicago have to spend it alone and can’t see their families and friends, so I thought I’d give them some hope. I broke it down into five main things they should be happy about. Here they are:
1. You don’t have to chew with your mouth closed anymore.
This is probably my favorite part of a solo Thanksgiving. You can eat however you want without someone telling you, “Please, Ed, for the love of God, close your mouth while you’re eating.” Also, you don’t have to put up with all the, “You just spit food on me. What’s wrong with you? Do you seriously not understand how to eat? It’s really simple. Just chew. With your mouth shut. And don’t talk while you’re eating because then the food comes shooting out and hits everyone.” No more of that bullshit. At least not this Thanksgiving.
2. Being drunk is the same as being sober.
In the past, you would try to speak after drinking all day and it was hard. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner would call what you were saying, “gibberish.” Now when you talk “gibberish” it’s normal because no one is there to call it that and you understand it so fuck them.
3. No one can say your penis isn’t huge.
When I said earlier that the chewing thing was my favorite I guess I lied. This one is. Every Thanksgiving, usually when we’re done eating and maybe sitting around watching football, someone inevitably starts a dick measuring contest, and I always lose. I don’t want to get into why but let’s just say it has to do with someone who has a monster schlong and someone whose dick is considered “super small.” Guess who has the monster schlong this Thanksgiving? You (meaning me).
4. You don’t have to modulate the volume on your voice.
How many times at Thanksgiving do people tell you that you’re screaming? Or to “Stop screaming, Ed. Just talk in a normal voice!” This Thanksgiving, all those people can do whatever WHILE I TALK HOW I WANT TO. (I just screamed that.)
5. It’s almost impossible to “threaten” or fight yourself.
Unlike normal Thanksgivings, there’s no one around to challenge to throw down or just follow around super closely till they punch you. You can try to do it to yourself but it doesn’t work. It’s like, “Hey fucker I always hated you since we were little kids!” But then you’re saying that you hate yourself and not your stupid cousin or brother or whoever and it’s not the same. Also, when you hit yourself it hurts in a way that’s unlike when you hit someone else. Mostly because both your fist and your face hurt when usually it’s only your fist.
I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After unsuccessfully running for office, Ed needs work. If you would like to hire him, please see his résumé here.
Thanksgiving 2020 is a lot different than I expected. Let me start with that. I realize many of you have assumptions about what it’s like for a “privileged” kid with a trust fund around the holidays but I can tell you right now you’re probably wrong.
On most Thanksgivings we keep it simple and traditional at my house. We have a turkey and stuffing and all the things you probably have in your home. We have our annoying relatives over. We even watch football. So before you start saying, “Oh, I bet your Thanksgiving is in a huge house with a butler and you don’t even have to cook the food yourself because you make a poor person skip Thanksgiving to make your food,” just think about how my family employs that butler and that cook who can’t spend time with their families on the holidays but also have jobs, which is better.
On this Thanksgiving though, we can’t do what we normally do. And you probably can’t either, although I’m not judgy and understand you may be part of one of those COVID hives where people with no shirts breathe on each other and drink Miller High Life at a pool. That’s your life and you don’t know any better. I get that.
For me, it’s a different story. It’s a story about responsibility and following science. We’ve all heard by now that we shouldn’t have a bunch of people over for the holidays. For my family there are a lot of upsides to that, like not having to deal with my step-uncle who’s kind of hot but kind of also not part of our family anymore because he’s divorced from my aunt but he still comes over because he likes to see me. It’s just inappropriate, according to my aunt, but she’s kind of a bitch and also her ex-husband is into me so it’s not like she’s being totally honest about anything.
Then there are the downsides, and that’s really what I wanted to write about today. There are so many, but I narrowed it down to five. They will totally surprise all the haters out there who think I’m shallow and don’t care about other humans.
1. Servants have to wear masks around us. I hate seeing other people have to cover themselves while I do whatever I want. It’s not fair. How is it OK that I can breathe on them or yell at them when they screw up and they just have to sit there and take it? I’ll bet you didn’t know I even thought about this stuff, but it breaks my heart because I’m sensitive. It also sucks because it’s creepy as shit, like they all work at a funeral home or something and I can’t see if they’re laughing at me or making faces. It’s weird. I hate it.
2. How can I help poor people if I need to stay inside all day? I know, right?
3. Being in a warm, safe home that could probably house 20 families makes me sad for how many people are cold and unsafe. Think about the stress of sitting comfortably in a mansion and knowing that there are people out there who not only don’t live in mansions, but also probably live in wherever you live. That must suck. I’m sorry. I really am sorry.
4. I can eat as much as I want, but I won’t because I don’t want to get fat. On the contrary, you probably eat as much as you can and don’t care about getting fat. I envy you.
5. I’m taken care of for life and there’s not anything I could do to ruin that. I guess that would seem comforting (if you’re me) but something about it also makes me sad. Maybe because I’m just moody today or something. I get like that sometimes.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Haley Debaron has a trust fund. It makes her rich. Probably richer than you and we don’t even know you. There’s nothing more to say really, than that. You can contact Haley at email@example.com.
In what can only be described as an earth-shattering development in both the history of the English language and U.S. politics, the Intergalactic Business Report has switched the letters “R” and “L” so that the “election” is now an “erection.” What does this mean for you? We tell you below:
1. Final erection results are not in. Pennsylvania's erection is massively huge this year.
2. Presidential erections come every four years.
3. Senators face erections every six years and representatives face erections every two years.
4. The closer politicians get to an erection, the more nervous they are.
5. Strangely, if there were no erections we would probably be in a dictatorship.
6. This could be the biggest erection of our lifetime but it seems like they say that for every erection.
7. Because the entire process of voting in the United States is now a giant, hard dick, people have to reconsider what role they want in the erection process.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.