Each, week, or whenever we deem necessary, the entertainment team at the Intergalactic Business Report charts a new path for a lucky celebrity. If you are named, be thankful. We just saved your future career. You're welcome.
Celebrity: John Cena.
Today we chart a path for John Cena, who has gone from pro wrestling, to action, to comedy. Nice try, John, but if you really want to be successful, we suggest you stop listening to your agent, manager, and yourself and start listening to people who actually understand the entertainment industry – us.
Our research shows that your next role should be as a troll or creature of the night. This probably goes counter to everything you’re being told by your handlers, but trust us on this. Instead of throwing away scripts that contain mythical monsters, made up animals, and dungeons and dragons style lore, read through the next several that come your way. If, in any of them, there is even a minor role for the character of a troll, take it immediately and never look back.
And the Oscar goes to John Cena for his portrayal of the Troll in “The Legend of the Troll Hole.”
Once again, you’re welcome.
*Not an actual photo of John Cena. We don’t use celebrity photos, or photos of anyone’s distinguishable image because, like a primitive but litigious tribe who thinks their souls will be stolen if we actually post a picture of them, people sue if you show them online. If you are a celebrity, or anyone else, and you want to give us the right to use your image, let us know. We’ll probably use it. Otherwise, we show you fake stuff.