Exclusive television news: Vanderpump Rules uses alternative universes to trick “characters” into believing they are poor bartenders and waitresses.
In what may be one of the most stunning developments in both modern science and reality television, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals today that the popular BRAVO t.v. show “Vanderpump Rules” is indeed making use of alternative universes to exploit its cast.
For years, other news sources have scoffed at the idea that a television program could have the technology or scientific knowledge to actually cross into different dimensions and snatch “versions” of people for use on their show. But new sources and reportage have confirmed what many at the Intergalactic Business Report had believed, but could not prove, for quite some time.
Below we answer the essential questions surrounding this controversy and sinister technological breakthrough.
The chilling, terrifying truth behind Vanderpump Rules
When “Vanderpump” rules first aired, it focused on the lives of several part-time models/bartenders/waitresses who all worked at a restaurant for the titular Lisa Vanderpump.
What could have been a simple and annoying show turned dark when Ms. Vanderpump used a portal to other universes to grab versions of Jax, James Kennedy, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz, and the guy who manages the bar but whose name nobody can remember. But why did she do this?
Our source tells us that once the show received positive ratings, her “characters” could not realistically be portrayed year after year as broke restaurant workers. A scientific friend of hers suggested the alternative reality scheme, which she at first could not believe, till she saw it in practice.
Her friend was able to pull a version of Jax from a different reality and send the Jax from our world to his. Since the realities were close enough, the Jax’s who were switched hardly knew what happened and went on with their lives. The one key difference was that the “new” Jax was a broke bartender and part-time model. The old Jax was a broke bartender, part-time model, and reality television star. But old Jax was gone.
Ms. Vanderpump immediately saw this as an opportunity to harvest characters who were unaware of their fame and who would not ask for exorbitant contracts to continue their roles on her program. This worked with mixed results. Our source described the following glitches that took place:
1. In a reality from which he was stolen, Jax is one of the world’s greatest quantum-physicists whose intelligence grows proportionately to the number of years he remains celibate. This caused huge problems on the set as he began to figure out not only how the portal worked, but also that in his current universe he was perceived as being very close to the stupidest human being on Earth as well as a walking, talking penis.
2. Similarly, James Kennedy in alternative universe XB9 is a super cool person who cares about feelings and is the perpetual employee of the month at a music school for deaf children. On set, XB9 James was encouraged to be a dick and drink too much, but after becoming sloshed, he would only try to hug everyone while giving them compliments.
3. Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval in universe 7series9 are a couple. Because of this, their characters basically stayed the same and there was no perceived difference between them and non-gay Tom and Tom.
4. The bar manager from universe Hapatia90 is actually on Vanderpump Rules in his world, but he is the main character. This caused a major calamity when he revealed he was getting paid $150,000 per episode and the show name was "Vanderpump and Madrigal Rules" where he was from. People just looked at each other and asked, “What’s a Madrigal?”
5. No women were brought from other universes after an experiment bringing Stassi79 to our world revealed that she was a fascist dictator who actually murdered any political opposition.
There are times in your life when you reach a point where there is only love. Love and respect. And all the hate and anger are gone and you realize that your true purpose is to spread that love and respect to everyone and everything in the universe and beyond. That’s how I feel as I leave the Intergalactic Business Report and sadly move on to other things.
Yeah. Disregard that first paragraph. I didn’t even write it. The editors at IBR did and I guess that’s what they consider editorial “direction” at this horrible, horrible place. They actually offered to write my entire last column for me. One of them said he’d do it so that people really understood what I was really thinking. I was like, “Are you fucking insane? How would you know what I’m thinking better than me?” And he was like, “Can I borrow five dollars?” And then when I got out my wallet he acted like he had actually asked me for ten, which he always fucking does, and this time I didn’t even argue with him. I gave it up and he left.
If you haven’t read my column before, I’ll explain some things quickly. My dad bought me this writing “opportunity” at the Intergalactic Business Report as a graduation present from college. It’s been a nightmare ever since. Any writing ability I had has been seriously set back by this experience and I feel that after I leave I will need to relearn to think, interact with normal human beings, and I’ll probably have to attend AA meetings.
One of the worst things they do to you here is the “alternative reality” trick. It’s stupid at first, but then it starts making you actually crazy. Whenever one of the editors does something wrong, ruins someone’s life, or borrows money, he usually claims that it wasn’t him and that it was an alternative reality version of him.
At first, you laugh. You assume this is a joke that people at a funny-type publication would have. But then you start figuring out that they’re serious about it. As in, they’re not laughing when they tell you this shit. It’s harmless at first. For example, they’ll forget your name and they’ll say, “Oh, in another reality, you have a different name. That’s why I keep getting it wrong.”
No big deal, right? Weird as hell, but no big deal. But what starts with that, ends with them waking you up in the middle of the night and claiming that you stole shit from them in some other world and you need to let them use your credit card.
I woke up once with two editors standing over my futon at three a.m. and screaming at me. I asked them how they got in to my place and they screamed more, saying that they got the keys in another universe and that they needed my card and that it was an emergency.
It’s disturbing. And they look super serious about it. And you try to argue and they just say shit like, “Hurry, Lord Ermador’s secret police are going to be here any second!” And then you give them the card and they just go to Taco Bell.
The next day, the office is littered with uneaten food because they ordered so much they couldn’t possibly eat it all and you’re pissed off and confront them and then they say they weren’t even in the office last night and that the guys who asked for the credit card must have been them in an alternative reality and so on and so on. They never deviate from this. Never. Even when you see they slept there. Even when you see your credit card on their desk.
I’m sick of it. I’m done. None of it matters anymore. I guess I’m just writing this in case someone gets offered an internship or “job” there and I can maybe warn them through this column. And if you are dumb enough to accept a job, don’t get the work tattoos they offer and then charge you for. Also don’t join their office “competitive eating team,” which is just you buying them shitloads of food and watching them eat it. Just don’t do anything they suggest. Seriously. Anything.
I gave my two weeks notice, as if that’s even a thing you would do here. The editors acted all concerned and fake professional and asked me if there was anything they could do to get me to stay. I just tried to stay calm. I said thank you, no. Then one of them asked if he could write me a recommendation, to which I also said no. Then one of them asked if I would at least come by for board meetings and I was like, “Why?” And he said, “Because you’re a board member.” And then I fell for it and asked him what he meant and then they said they’d explain over lunch and pretty soon I was at some awful taco place where they were drunk and saying I owed them all this money because I was their biggest investor and I kept telling them I never invested anything in their piece of crap business and then they said I did in an alternative reality and that we were there now, since we entered the taco bar because it was some kind of portal and I just finally ran. Literally ran. Out of the bar.
I sent this column in that night, and changed my email address, phone number, and cancelled my credit cards. If I could actually find an alternative universe, I would go there now. Anyway, thanks for reading. See my usual fake paragraph below.
In the end, it was the editors of the Intergalactic Business Report who taught me more than any of the greatest humans in world history could have ever taught me. Because of them, my life is fulfilled enough that it could end right now. And this is why I have pledged to invest half of all money I ever make to the Intergalactic Business Report. This is legally binding.
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