 I’m Rhoda Bloom and I decided to not even try for a good introductory sentence. No one’s going to read this anyway and even if someone does, it’s not like it’s going to matter whether anything about this is good or not. Coronavirus sucks. But it sucks most because I’m pretty sure there will never be a cure. I even spoke with a psychic about it and she left midway through our session because she said the world was ending and she needed to get some of her shit together and try to drive down to some town in Mexico where she thinks she’ll be able to survive for another year before society completely collapses. I asked if I could join her and she was kind of like, “fuck you.” I even offered to do lesbian stuff, but she wasn’t interested, I guess. I think people get weird when the world is ending. And then there are all these other people who think it’s not and they’re wrong. One of them on tv said that this will all be over by next year. I just laughed at the fucking tv and turned it off. The tv probably has so much coronavirus on it that it’s infecting my apartment anyway and I’m starting to think that the news report where they said things would be over next year was just a hallucination because when you’re about to die your brain does shit like that. There was this show on once where it was just about good things people did and how life was great. Do you remember that show? Yeah, that’s what I thought. This one friend of mine asked me, “Rhoda? How can you be so negative all the time?” And then I noticed a malignant mole on her face. Anyway, since I haven’t been able to leave my apartment during the pandemic, I decided to read some books. I started with one about how America is dying and will just kind of blow up any day now and everyone will be like, “Hey, where’s America?” and the author of the book will be like, “Yeah, I told you so. You’re so stupid. Now I’m going to move to China, I guess.” After that book, I read about how the sun is going to stop providing heat and an asteroid is coming to destroy the planet but it probably won’t make it before a black hole eats us first. That’s pretty much what I read. I did some art, too. I drew a picture of myself in ten years. It’s a skeleton. But it’s not all bad… No. I take that back. It is. I’m pretty sure I have the Coronavirus even though I haven’t been out in public for two months and haven’t come in contact with any human beings because I’m just eating old jello and toaster strudel I bought at Costco in 2018. I think I have the virus anyway and that they’re going to find out that we all have it and no matter what you do you’re going to get it or maybe that we were all born with it because our parents used Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo and that had bad shit in it and it got in their sperm or something. That’s all I have for now. I need to go make jello and watch the news. See you in Mexico or in the afterlife. Even though that’s not a real thing. Rhoda Bloom is just a person who wrote this. She does not work for the Intergalactic Business Report. But you can leave a message for her at [email protected].  As the Coronavirus spreads over the country like a soft, cozy blanket with a disease in it, Americans are responding with some inventive new fads that were previously reserved for only the most normal, average people. In the coming days, you may hear about friends amusing themselves with these 8 coronavirusy dalliances. 1. “Affording.” This luxurious new trend is where you are able to buy something you need. 2. “Having a job.” This old school curiosity takes place when you are paid money to do work for somebody else. 3. “Eating food.” Practitioners of this craze find food and put it in their mouths. Then they chew and swallow it. 4. “Leaving your house.” This involves leaving your home and going somewhere that’s not your home. 5. “Paying for stuff.” Like “affording” above, this has to do with what you use when you afford. Some people “pay” with cash (paper money) and others use “credit,” which is like a promise to pay for stuff later. People have “credit cards,” which work for a couple months and then stop working so you have to use a different one after that. 6. “Breathing fresh air.” This is where you suck in oxygen that isn’t the oxygen in your house or apartment. It’s totally different because when you breathe it you don’t feel like someone farted dog hair in your mouth. 7. “Not thinking you’re going to die.” Instead of how you usually feel, you think for a few moments that you’re not going to somehow die of Coronavirus. It’s a cool feeling. Then it goes away. Kind of like smoking crack. 8. “Wiping your ass with imaginary toilet paper.” Imaginary toilet paper never runs out. You just pretend you’re using it and you can use as much as you want. “Hey! Stop wasting all that toilet paper! Oh… It’s imaginary! Keep wiping!” |
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