 Dear Santa,
This is Ed, but you know that, right? Because Santa is like god or something and knows everybody’s name? This is Lance. Not Ed. I got rid of Ed. Just kidding. It’s Ed. But you knew that. Anyway… It’s Christmas time again and I have a few issues I need to go over with you. I’m just going to get this out of the way. You totally fucked me last year and this year you need to step up your game or lose me as a customer. Let me explain what happened last year even though you already know because you’re Jesus. I asked you for a real girlfriend who would not be able to see me when I pushed an invisibility button (also part of my request) on my sweatpants. I don’t think you understood the purpose and importance of both these items, and since you delivered neither, I will go through it in detail (even though you can read my mind and don’t need me to write it but you let me do it any way in some power play you need to feel good about yourself). The girlfriend: She needs to be hot. And don’t do the thing where she’s literally on fire or something and you go, “You said she needs to be hot” and then you laugh like the devil. Wait a second. Are you the devil? Anyway, just pick someone who’s a model or something. That’s all I have on the girlfriend part. The sweatpants: I’m sure you get this request all the time, but I want magic sweats that also give me the power of invisibility. I thought why I need this would be obvious to you, but I’m going to explain it to you slowly. I need alone time when my hot girlfriend is cleaning or whatever she does when we aren’t boning. Do you understand now? If I’m invisible she can’t be like, “What are these weird portraits of Ryan Reynolds you’ve painted and hung all over this secret room I found when I pushed in on the stuffed monkey head on your wall?” And all that other bullshit. With my inviso-sweats, she’ll have no one to say that to, and I’ll be just relaxing or whatever. The delivery: Do not drop these off at my work. Mainly because I don’t work there anymore. And also because if you did it around a bunch of other people it would make it uncomfortable for me to complain. So I want to meet just the two of us. You name the place. It can be a Taco Bell if you want, but not a Build a Bear Workshop because you may animate the bears and have them kill me. I also need time to test everything out. Mostly the sweatpants. If you want to add a button on them that also allows me to stop time or cook French fries in the pockets or something, then cool. Our friendship: I’m willing to be friends again if you can work this out for me and maybe apologize profusely. I think that’s probably the best way forward and it would allow you to get a lot of guilt off your chest and also address some of your deeper, underlying issues, like your inability to come through on things, until this year, right? My penis: I guess make it bigger while you’re putting together this whole thing for me. And don’t do the thing where you give me a fourteen-foot cock that leaves me bed-ridden and then you go, “You said you wanted a bigger penis” and then laugh like the devil. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. Some call it “having game” while others say it’s “a way” with women. Whatever it is, you don’t have it. Like other men who inexplicably forgo dating apps that all but guarantee instant hookups with random partners, you’re flummoxed by your inability to meet and seduce women in public places where they’re just trying to live their lives without you.
To help struggling bros seeking a magic touch with the opposite sex, we offer a new feature at the Intergalactic Business Report in which we learn seduction techniques from fictitious television and movie characters. We begin with Mel Gibson as Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon 2. Take notes as we break down Riggs’ surefire moves on Rika van den Haas when he sees her in a grocery store. STEP ONE: Riggs stands in the grocery store and stares at Rika, who had just met him in passing at her office in an earlier scene. He then remarks about the produce she’s choosing. When she looks over and recognizes him, he explains that he followed her to the store. STEP TWO: Riggs apologizes for probably frightening her when he showed up at her office and threatened her boss. She says she was “a bit startled by all those guns.” STEP THREE: Riggs grabs Rika's grocery basket as she clings to it and starts rooting through her food. Then he demands she has dinner with him, and she says no. STEP FOUR: Riggs doesn’t accept her answer and keeps telling her she should come back to his trailer. She keeps saying no, but he just keeps selling it. He finally suggests that she “be orginal” and “say yes” because “everyone else says no.” When she again says no, he pretends to poke her in the eyes with his fingers. STEP FIVE: Still pulling on her grocery basket, Riggs tells Rika to let go of it or he will scream. She won’t let go, so he begins to drag her with him, saying, “Come on with me. Come on.” She says, “No, no please.” STEP SIX: He starts shouting through the store, “Lady let go of my bag, will you?” and then asks for someone to call the cops. STEP SEVEN: Riggs dumps her grocery basket all over the floor and the confused store manager comes out to ask what’s going on. Riggs grabs Rika’s arm and says “let’s get out of here before somebody does call a cop.” He pulls her out of the store and brings her to his trailer. RECAP: Riggs shows up to a woman’s work, threatens her boss with a gun, follows her to a grocery store, tells her she needs to go back to his trailer with him, grabs her grocery basket, dumps it on the floor, yanks her out of the building before the cops show up, and brings her back to his shitty trailer. KEY TAKEAWAYS: -Be persistent. -After you show up at a woman’s work and threaten her boss with a gun and then follow her to a grocery store and apologize for scaring her and then grab her grocery basket and tell her she has to have dinner with you and she says no, you’re basically killing it. -Women aren’t creeped out if you follow them from their work to a grocery store and then stare at them till they figure out you’re the guy who came into their place of work earlier that day and threatened their boss with a firearm. -If you ask a woman to go back to your trailer 17 times and she says no 17 times, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to go back to your trailer. -Look like Mel Gibson in 1989. |
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