Although the Intergalactic Business Report is a serious publication whose goal is to inform the public with insights and news they will find nowhere else, we also believe that your mom jokes are the highest form of humor and can serve to alleviate frustration and anxiety during this difficult time.
With this in mind, we finely crafted eleven your mom jokes for the Corona age.
1. Epidemiologists say the greatest challenge they could face would be to stop the spread of your mom’s legs when she sees random men.
2. When they said “shelter and place” your mom sheltered a cheesecake in her hands and placed it in her mouth.
3. Your mom is so ugly her mask requested six feet of social distance.
4. Your mom is so dumb that when they told her to “self-quarantine,” she ate four crackers.
5. Your mom’s butt is so big that she has a quarantined family living inside it.
6. Your mom has a six feet of separation rule where she separates a six-foot sub from a plate.
7. Your mom didn’t need to stock up on toilet paper because she gave birth to a re-usable ass wipe.
8. Originally, the social distancing guideline was 5 feet apart. Then the doctors saw your mom and said, can we make it six?
9. Your mom’s butt is so big it can maintain six feet of social distance from her body.
10. Doctors believe that the way to prevent future outbreaks will be to end the dangerous wet market in your mom’s crotch.
11. What’s the difference between Coronavirus and your mom? Some people have recovered from Coronavirus.
As the world falls deeper into the COV-ID 19 crisis, you may be feeling, like millions of others, that April Fool’s Day will mentally bring you out of all the despair you’ve been facing. A great prank on your friends, family, or co-workers will make them and you laugh and forget about the impending death that surrounds us all.
Before you “fool” everyone this coming Wednesday, remember that we are living in a moment of anxiety and fear. Because of this, the Intergalactic Business Report has listed eight awesome April Fool’s jokes that you should probably not do this year.
1. Running into the room screaming, “They cured the Coronavirus! They cured it! Look! It’s all over the news! We’re saved!”
2. Pretending you’re going to break your six feet of separation with another human being by running at him, stopping right at the limit and yelling, “April Fools!”
3. Telling your friends that you found toilet paper and you’re going to drop some megarolls on their doorsteps.
4. Pretending you’re a space alien offering the human race a cure for the Coronavirus.
5. Knocking on random people’s doors and saying, “It’s the Government! Open up!”
6. Hitchhiking and then yelling, “April Fools!” at everyone who doesn’t pick you up.
7. Pissing yourself in the line at Costco.
8. Wearing a Hazmat suit around the neighborhood and stopping at people’s houses like you’re investigating stuff.
Recently, movies like “Outbreak” and “Contagion” have topped viewer lists on Netflix and other streaming channels. Now, public agencies are recommending you steer clear of such angst-producing films.
To help with this warning, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its own list of movies you definitely shouldn’t watch during the Coronavirus pandemic.
1. Freakout (1985). In this thriller, a virus shaped like a crown kills everyone on the planet, but before it does, everyone freaks out and hoards food, which they never get to eat, because they all die.
2. Everyone is Going to Die (2012). This film, from cult director Antonio Derencino, takes place in the year 2020 and centers around a mysterious virus that kills everyone on the planet. At first, everyone thinks it’s just like the flu. But then, later, everyone dies.
3. Damn! (1993). In a fictional America circa 2020, people regret all they could have done to prevent a deadly virus from killing everyone. Most of them say, “Damn!” in anger just before succumbing to the disease and dying.
4. Quarantine Adventure (1936). A little-known Jules Verne novel is remade to show a family who self-quarantines themselves on a floating balloon house as the rest of humanity dies below them from a mysterious virus. Spoiler: the balloon crashes at the end and they all die.
5. There is No Hope (2003). German director Alfons Durbrecht’s prescient contribution to cinema history explores people of a future society (in the year 2020) who build houses out of toilet paper they believe is magic and will protect them from a deadly plague. Spoiler: they all die and no one lives long enough to use all the tp.
6. Supermarket Mayhem (1989). Shoppers in a futuristic grocery store (in the year 2020) are told that everything there will never be re-supplied, and they must fight each other for peanut butter and soup cans. At the end, we find out that the reason nothing will be re-supplied is because there’s a deadly plague outside, which kills everyone anyway.
7. Don’t Touch Your Face (1967). In this dystopian drama, citizens in the year 2020 may not touch their faces for fear of immediately being executed by King Corona, a warlord/computer who rules over them and hates when people touch their faces. In the end, most people touch their faces by accident and are annihilated.
8. Lockdown! (1954). In the year 2020, society is ordered to go on a full lockdown to combat a biblical-type plague that threatens everyone. Families are forced to play Parcheesi and Backgammon to pass the time, but the time keeps getting longer and longer till they realize the lockdown is permanent.
Twitter is blowing up over a Netflix release that could be the scariest, most deranged work of cinematography known to humankind. Here are the responses:
“After watching this, I feel like my balls moved from my nut area into my mouth area. Shit! My balls are in my mouth?”
“Don’t watch this movie unless you want to feel like someone removed your brain, peed all over it, put it back, then took it out again, then pooped all over it, and then finally put it back again and said, ‘Think!’”
“My girlfriend made me watch this movie and when it was over we tried to murder each other.”
“You can’t imagine how much your life can change after watching one movie on Netlix, but this one f-cked up mine for real. That scene where the guy’s trying to poop and then that thing is inside is butt…. I stopped pooping. Now I need surgery.”
“I watch Netflix movies and then spend time tweeting about them. Yeah. I actually do that. I get done watching. Then I feel like people will actually be interested in what I have to say in 280 characters or less. I feel like I’m getting close to that limit with this one…”
“Warning: DO NOT WATCH! Just don’t. It is so freaky that when you’re done watching shit on your body will start falling off. I only have one hand left that I’m typing with right now and it’s about to come off too… fadoaifda;sojg.”
“Before I watched this movie, I was just a guy whose handle was Ballsdeepintoyou, which is something I made up to sound cool but also let a certain girl know I was super into her. But after watching the movie I’m a warlock.”
“hey @Ballsdeepintoyou. I turned into a warlock too. Wtf?”
“I fart on face. Make big fart. On face.”
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