Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar, and Pol Pot were from different eras and countries, but modern psychology has identified the one thing that makes them all remarkably similar. This quality, which it seems all high-level leaders share, set them apart from normal, average human beings and made them what they were.
Stunningly, what they shared was that they were all total pricks. Are you a total prick like them? Could you be the world’s next famous leader? Ask yourself these 20 questions that are based on science:
1. On the highway, when you see the right lane is ending in less than a mile, do you enter it and push to the front, with the firm belief that it is your right to do so because wherever you’re going is more important than wherever everyone else is?
2. Are you the guy who takes a dump in the porta john?
3. Do you drive a Nissan or Xfiniti?
4. Do you shorten words that are already short, like Pizza or Champagne?
5. Is one of your arms completely covered in tattoos that have no discernable meaning?
6. Do you have a soul patch or a leprechaun beard?
7. Do you drive one of those bicycles where you are lying down and peddling?
8. Are you a straight guy with a tongue or nipple piercing?
9. Do you ever talk about your “pull out game”?
10. Have you ever used the term “chillax”?
11. Do you wear an unnecessary head band?
12. Do you have, wish for, or ever utter the words “man cave”?
13. Do you wear sandals, but not on the beach or in a public shower?
14. Have you ever taken a photo of yourself in a mirror with your shirt off?
15. Have you ever posted that photo anywhere and thought, “yeah, that looks good” and also thought that women would find it attractive?
16. Are you a woman who finds guys who take photos of themselves in a mirror with their shirts off attractive?
17. Are you into guys who have one arm covered in tattoos that have no discernable meaning?
18. Do you refer to your tattoos or someone else’s as “ink”?
19. Do you correct people’s pronunciation of “quinoa”?
20. Have you ever referred to sex as "knocking boots" or "bumping uglies"?
9 NYC travel hacks that will make those dirty water hot dog eaters "fugget about" you being a tourist.
New York. It’s the city where people who sound like they’re deaf yell at each other from their crappy apartment windows while wearing muscle shirts.
If you’re taking a trip to this center of garbage castles and John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever, you need to know a few things first so that you don’t look like a total tourist.
The Intergalactic Business Report offers you nine severely useful travel hacks that will make native New Yorkers think you too are comfortable yelling at people from your crappy apartment window and contributing to a garbage pile out front, all while you wear a “raging bull” wife beater that you just spilled spaghetti sauce on.
Here they are:
1. New Yorkers love eye contact. Try to make it and never break it and you’ll win their hearts. Do this with people walking by you or just with hot dog vendors.
2. If you go to Little Italy, assume they’re filming a movie about the mafia (see number seven) and you’re in it. Make up a character, like Little Jonny Two Shots (because you always kill people with two, not one, shots) and accost restaurant owners and other cast members on the street and ask them where your money is. If you’re good enough, they’ll keep you in the movie.
3. If you take a cab, wait for the driver to ask where you’re going. Then say, “your mother’s house. And step on it, 'cause she’s super horny and won’t stop calling me.” Most cabbies will die of laughter and may even give you a free ride. It’s just so fucking funny to tell people that you’re sleeping with their mom, you know?
4. The higher the train number the more prestigious it is. Never take a “1” or “2” train. Try to take like a “20” or at least a “10.”
5. Most New Yorkers will agree they are trapped and limited by their choice of pizza and a welcomed conversation topic is always about how much better say, Chicago style pizza is than the awful flabby slices they have to endure. A great way to engage them is to find one eating pizza and simply say, “yeah, New York pizza sucks, right?” They’ll immediately begin furious head nodding and go on forever about how sucky it is in great detail.
6. The greatest museum in New York is Madame Tussaud’s. Look no further. The other ones are filled with nonsense.
7. Most people in New York are members of a crime family, so if you want to strike up a conversation with one of them, just kind of allude to the fact that you’re a hitman. This will gain you instant respect. If they ask you details, just threaten to murder them like you did all your “victims.” (You can also just try number nine, below.)
8. Piggy back riding is a popular way of traveling for New Yorkers. It works like this: You ride on someone’s (anyone’s) back until he or she gets tired. Then you get off and let someone ride on your back. You can do this all over the city and the key is to just do it. If you ask for a ride, they will recognize you as a tourist immediately, so find a strong looking person and hop on for a few blocks.
9. If you’re uncomfortable calling yourself a hitman, just make some shit up because everyone in New York has a stupid, impossible job that makes no sense. Just say you own a “sponge lifestyle brand” or are into “art diffusement.” It doesn’t matter, because no one will even ask you questions.
Ever picture yourself at a royal ball, with fancy-looking people dancing to really crappy music before they bow to each other? Usually that means you have a brain aneurism… But is it also possible that your fantasies of court intrigue and ruffles means that you are remembering something? Perhaps a time when you were at a royal dance… In the past?
The answer is a resounding no. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have some royal blood in you somewhere. The Intergalactic Business Report’s new genealogy study has uncovered seven indicators that may prove your heritage as a king, queen, or even one of their many freakish, inbred cousins.
Do any of these describe you?
1. Do you ever feel like you should be at the front of every line? Maybe you’re at the grocery store. Maybe you’re in traffic. There’s a line of people and cars ahead and you start getting angry. That’s because you may be a royal. Blue bloods, it turns out, never had to wait in lines and usually would jump straight to the front if any presented themselves. Sometimes, their guards would even push people aside or murder them so that their liege could check out before everyone else or get to the next highway exit with his carriage. Your frustration could be something you inherited from a noble relative. So it turns out, you’re not an asshole after all.
2. Do you say things like, “If I were in charge…” or “if it were up to me…” and then follow those statements with a declaration of how you would micromanage and alter every human behavior that didn’t immediately benefit you? Again, you may be nobility.
3. Have you ever found it “silly” to pay for things? Do you feel like paying is for other people and that you should either receive a massive discount or simply be able to walk out of stores with whatever you desire? It turns out that, centuries ago, people of noble birth didn’t have to pay for a lot, because they kind of owned everything. Do you feel like you own everything? We may have another clue.
4. Do you think that God appointed you to be a leader? That’s kind of what “divine right” is all about. Your view that whatever you do is justified by an all-powerful being, and that this makes you also an all-powerful being, is exactly what your forebears thought as well.
5. Do you want to have sex with your cousin? Again, this could be a throwback to an earlier time when royal families encouraged marriage between first cousins to keep their blood lines pure.*
6. Have you ever threatened anyone by saying, “do you want to go to war?” This is exactly the kind of thing some fat duke would say to another fat duke a thousand years ago. Maybe you’re a fat duke too?
7. When people say, “let’s go to McDonald’s” do you say, “can we go to Burger King?” You may also order Chicken à la King or King Crab instead of a Po’ boy sandwich.
*The study concluded that an extraordinary number of people with royal blood live in Kentucky.
Are you one of those people who’s into horror movies? We mean, really really into them? To the point at which you bother everyone you know about how they need to see some “classic” film they’ve never heard of and you won’t stop moving your blowhole till they uncomfortably leave the room and consider what they’re going to say to human resources about your repeated, long rants about whatever it is you’re talking about?
If so, then this article is for you. Bury any of the even mild self-awareness you have about how fucking annoying you are to every person around you (including old people who go to the doctor just so someone will touch them). The Intergalactic Business Report breaks open the vault of some of the most obscure and little-known horror films that you need to see today so that tomorrow you can make everyone’s life hell by raving about them.
Below are six horror classics you need to see before Halloween:
1. Mr. Margrove’s puppy tails (1923). In this 1923 silent German flick, a monsterish man collects tails from puppy dogs. While we don't see how he gets them, he spends most of the film holding the tails and dancing around. This was obviously filmed before there was any issue with animal cruelty, but an epilogue states that the “tails” are actually just pieces of yarn, made to look like animal appendages. That makes sense because they definitely don't look like tails. They look like yarn. The film runs three hours and thirty-seven minutes.
2. Beefcake Brett (1986). In this frightening remake of 1947’s, “Very Fit Connor,” Brett Studly is a workout machine who feels the burn as much as he delivers it to his victims. Brett travels from gym to gym pushing his clients to accept that there is no gain without significant pain. As the film progresses, Brett’s workout students become healthier and stronger. One of them even grows muscles that rival Brett’s! No one dies in this one, but there is a chilling undertone that maybe a weight will slip or a spotter will be neglectful and someone will be crushed. Luckily for everyone, that never happens.
3. Ahhrgh! (date unknown). Filmed somewhere in a foreign country, the date and plot of this movie are unknown or unintelligible. The title was given based on the only words that were discernable to the American distributor. From what we can tell, the story focuses on a man who screams a lot and doesn’t leave his room. This might just be footage of someone in a mental hospital in 1963.
4. Bright Lights Big Titties (1987). This is a porn. But the acting is terrifying.
5. My little Skeevkamp (1953). This Norwegian entry centers around a schoolboy named Arnold Skeevkamp who annihilates and destroys his placement exam. His test-taking skills are so brutal that on his last three answers, it looks like the page might catch on fire. But it doesn’t. Skeevkamp massacres the test and goes on to torture his college professors with his genius questions which leave their brains writhing in pain as they struggle for answers. This is a great film for connoisseurs of “smart student horror.”
6. Blood House (1973). In this chiller, housewife Mary Moonhaven decides to choose the paint color for the exterior of her house… Without her husband’s approval. Sure, this one is a little dated, and you may cringe when you see the sexism of the time it was made, but you also will feel strangely that Mary’s husband is correct in demanding that she not make decisions without him because she paints the house blood red and it looks fucking awful.
You were never good at sports, not super smart, but always felt like you were better than everyone else. You just couldn’t say why. Until now. The Intergalactic Business Report goes to the core of what’s missing in your life and the answer is you need a new, cooler identity.
Smart people are smart. Attractive people are hot. Hipsterish, ironic people find what they are by doing something old that’s new because nobody wants to do it anymore because they realized it was dumb, like growing handlebar mustaches and stupid civil war beards. Today we offer you five new/old ideas that may be just what you're looking for. And the best thing is, you don’t need any talent to become one of these:
1. Hermit. What’s great about being a hermit is that you don’t have to answer to a boss, or anybody for that matter. Except for maybe the owner of the property you squat on. Build a hut or a hole or find a cave. Bring some books and candles. Hunt cats that wander in your area and eat berries and leaves. Maybe make sure that one of those books is about which berries and leaves are poisonous.
2. The guy who asks people to go on mysterious quests. For this, you need to spend a lot of time in bars, because where else would anyone ask people to go on mysterious quests and have those people drunk enough to actually consider doing them? Just start with two or three quests you can remember, like getting some treasure that fell off a ship, or finding a magic sword. When even the drunk people start getting weirded out by you, start screaming, “do you want to be rich?” and then see if they’ll buy you another drink.
3. A flasher. You just don’t see those guys any more. Get a raincoat. Go to the park. Wait.
4. Someone who speaks in a robot voice. We’re pretty sure a guy from “Cool and the Gang” did this, but probably not every waking moment. That honor will be yours.
5. Duelist. You probably want to hang around a bar for this one too, because people there are more apt to take you up on your offer of a fight to the death. Remember to bring a glove with which you can slap their faces.