 June 7, 2018. “Research for love.”
Dear Intergalactic Business Report Forum: I read your publication all the time and always thought the articles were fake. Then something happened that totally changed my mind. Before I go any further, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m about six feet tall. I go to a small Midwestern college. Girls say I’m “cute” and I have a pretty good body. I work out. Whatever. Anyway, one day I was at the college library, just doing some research for a term paper, when out comes this librarian who begins to “shush” me. Since I was making no noise, I was a little surprised. Let me describe this librarian for a second. She was about five foot nine, brunette, and had lipstick all over her face, like she had tried to put it on but missed… A lot. I asked if something was wrong with her. She looked like maybe she’d fallen off a bus or something. She said, sweetly, “Nothing’s wrong with me. I’m shushing you because I want to have sex with you!” I slowly unzipped my pants, as seductively as I could. A crowd of students gathered around so I zipped them back up and pretended to be reading again. This really pissed off the librarian, who, as she got closer to me, I could see was a man. A man who had lip stick all over his face and had fallen off a bus or something. He was limping and snorted every time he stepped. Suddenly I felt like my super cool sex encounter was now something else. I moved a few feet back and tried to reason with the librarian. I said, “Hey, this is a library. This isn’t a place for sex.” But the librarian really hated that. He stormed towards me and the crowd of students cheered. In the end, I made a deal with the librarian that I would have sex with him if he helped me with my research paper. The sex was pretty bad. Like the kind you regret before you even do it. And it turned out the librarian didn’t work there and was really bad at doing research. So I guess that was a bad move on my part. Oh well, that’s why you go to college, I suppose. To learn things. Signed, Anonymous. February 1, 2019. “Like plumber, like son.” Dear Intergalactic Business Report Forum: I’ve always loved reading your sexy stories about men and women having sex, so I thought I’d tell you about my own experience, which I hope will fit right in. I’m a female. Guys always say I’m “hot” and that I have a “dick sucker” face, whatever that means. I weigh practically nothing and I work out all the time. Kind of like what those girls who weigh nothing do. Anyway, I was doing some Instagram modeling by my mirror when I suddenly noticed that someone was watching me. My roomates weren’t home, so I was like, “What the fuck?” and I turned to see it was the plumber. “Anna said to fix the toilet,” he told me. “Oh,” I answered. He was about fortyish, not much hair, and he kind of smelled like he worked on toilets all day. But something about him was sexy as hell. What was it, I thought? Then it hit me. He looked exactly like this fat old guy I had a thing for in high school—Mr. Davorak, the janitor. I watched as the plumber worked. He really got his whole arm into the toilet. Some of the water splashed on his face and the light caught it just right, so that it almost looked like a teardrop under his eye. “He’s sensitive,” I thought. “Do you need something?” he asked, when he noticed me standing there. Yeah, I need something, I thought. But I just said, “Sorry, you just look familiar.” Then he turned and I saw his badge. It said, “Danny Davorak.” I was like, What????? This wasn’t the Mr. Davorak I had sex with in the boiler room of my high school. Was this one of his relatives? Turns out he was Mr. Davorak’s dad. Yeah. His dad. And he was more like sixtyish and not fortyish. I remembered that my Mr. Davorak had said something really strange to me after having sex way back when. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but suddenly it had a lot of meaning. He had said, “Anonymous, if you ever meet another dude in my family, I want you to have sex with him too.” “Even if it’s your nasty dad or something?” I asked him. “Especially if it’s my nasty dad,” he said. I guess some things come full circle. Needless to say, Mr. Davorak’s dad and I had sex. And he didn’t even fix the toilet. But he said he’d come back next week. I’ll be ready! Signed, Anonymous  Germans… They’re those people who make shit that doesn’t break. Now they say they have the Coronavirus under control. My response to both: Whatever.
Before I go any further, I want to explain a couple things so that the rest of this article makes sense. First, I make my own rules. And second, because of that I spend a lot of time being “expelled” from group chats, "detained” by police, “divorced” from women I didn’t technically “marry” because I’d just seen pictures of them on the internet, and also “been court ordered not to come within 200 feet” of many of my ex-wives. That’s kind of my bio. Now for what I think. Get ready. The Germans started a long time ago, just like a lot of cultures. But along the way, something weird happened with them. At some point they started looking down on everyone and acting like they were better than me. Let me give you an example: World War Two. O.K. next example. The other night, I was watching t.v. and there was a commercial for the Shamwow, a cloth that, I guess, you use to masturbate or something? Anyway, near the end of the ad, the salesman says something about how the product is made in Germany and that because it is, you know that it’s “good stuff.” Whatever, I thought. Fast forward to now, when the Coronavirus pandemic is taking over and the Germans are like, “Oh, we have this under control. We have a system where we can track the numbers and blah blah blah.” Let’s get this straight. I live in America. That means we don’t bow down to invisible diseases. We fight them out in the open and drink beers and make out with each other at pools. That’s my country. In Germany, they start a “system” to “combat” the disease. Sounds like World War Two all over again. Just saying… If I went out and talked to the average anybody in any place anywhere in the world and I gave him two options (one: you use a system of contact tracing and numbers and shit like that to control a virus, or two: you make out with people at pool parties while getting shitty drunk), most humans would choose number two. Which is what America does. Number two. We do number two all over everyone in the world. (If you aren’t American, you probably don’t get that joke, Ha Ha). So, let’s recap. America: pool parties, sex with gross people but you don’t care, and hard alcohol. Germany: numbers and tracking, like a robot or something. America wins again. (Just like in World War Two.) Also, the Shamwow sucks. I tried to use one and it shredded my dick. What the fuck? I’m done writing now. Good bye. We overheard Bratt Pitt and George Clooney talking. Oh my god. You won’t believe what they said.7/21/2020  You probably haven’t heard a lot lately about George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and their super cool, super funny relationship. We hadn’t either. Are they still friends? Do they continue to play whacky pranks on each other? Do they ride motorcycles around Italy and… we forget what else they were supposed to do all the time.
Anyway… An editor from the Intergalactic Business Report accidentally overheard the pair having a private conversation. Although he didn’t have a recording device with him, he was able to memorize the minute details of everything said. Here is a transcript of that: GEORGE: Did you figure out the Fast Pass? BRAD: The what? GEORGE: The Fast Pass… The thing we use to get on the rides. BRAD: Like the ticket? GEORGE: Yeah. The ticket. It’s timed or whatever. BRAD: Like a clock or something? GEORGE: Jesus. You’re so fucking stupid. BRAD: What ride do you wanna go on anyway? GEORGE: Well, let me see… If you had figured out the fucking Fast Pass I could answer that. Now it’s gotta be whatever has the shortest line. BRAD: Why don’t we just get outta here? This place sucks anyway. GEORGE: I fucking knew it. You didn’t wanna come to Disney. You fucking didn’t. BRAD: I told you I’d go. Shit. Calm down. GEORGE: Yeah, but then you didn’t figure out the Fast Pass. So we can’t go on any rides. BRAD: You’re such a girl. GEORGE: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? BRAD: Nothing. GEORGE: You’re the girl. BRAD: That’s what your mom said. GEORGE: That you’re a girl? BRAD: Yeah. She likes it when I act like a girl and then have sex with her. GEORGE: That makes no fucking sense. BRAD: Yeah, I know. She’s a total freak. GEORGE: Fuck you. BRAD: Fuck you too. GEORGE: Let me see the fucking Fast Pass. BRAD: I think I dropped it or something. GEORGE: Oh, you dropped it? That’s such bullshit! BRAD: I’m gonna leave. GEORGE: Yeah. Fuck off. Leave. I’m gonna wait in line for a ride. BRAD: See you in like sixteen hours. GEORGE: Fuck you.  Vanderpump Rules star Tom Sandoval has been named one of the greatest human beings on Earth by the Intergalactic Business Report. This coveted honor places Sandoval in a pantheon of others selected in past years, including Harry Reams, Bonafacia El Trudio-Holgate Destaria, and Adrian Zmed. WHAT HAPPENED: After months of kind of watching Sandoval’s show, IBR judges were struck by an episode in which Sandoval gives his thankless friend, Jax Taylor, a Randy Jackson signed samurai sword. This gesture, wasted on Taylor, was immediately considered the greatest act of human ingenuity and awesomeness in the history of mankind. HOW THE CONTEST WORKS: The Intergalactic Business Report’s judges secretly scour the planet in search of people they believe may qualify. Most years, no one reaches the magnitude of greatness needed to win, and the prize goes unawarded. UNLIKE ANY OTHER YEAR IN THE CONTEST’S HISTORY: Thirty-four of the thirty-six judges nominated Tom Sandoval. The remaining two judges were split between British acting great Phil Collins and Phillipino pornstar Chongo Alvarez. Says one judge, “I don’t even know who Jax Taylor is, but he was given a gift on par with the holy grail and treated it like someone handed him an Outback Steakhouse coupon.” WHAT DOES SANDOVAL WIN? Most important, Sandoval wins a seat on the Intergalactic Council of Greatest Human Beings Ever. That’s pretty much it. There is no monetary prize because money is considered tacky by our panel of judges. If Sandoval declines the award, it goes directly to Chongo Alvarez, who’s been lobbying for this for years. JOIN 436 TRILLION READERS TODAY. |
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