 The Great Depression brought us terms like “boondoggling” and “reacharounds.” Now the Corona Age has brought us ten new sayings that define this era. Here they are: 1. “I’m talking to you guys on Zoom because it’s a quarantine, but I’ve never ever had the desire to speak with you about anything before this.” 2. “My booger cave is full and I can’t do anything about it.” 3. “Touch my fucking face and I’ll kill you.” 4. “That mask isn’t regulation.” 5. “Fucking joggers…” 6. “Don’t tell me who won Super Bowl XVII. It’s on again tonight.” 7. “How many fucking feet are you from me right now?” 8. “You are totally non-essential.” 9. “If you try to shake my hand, I’ll cut your fucking arm off.” 10. “No way are those people in the park related.”  The Intergalactic Business Report asked the question first: Why do we need a Hollywood movie version of “Tiger King?” Surprisingly, we found 9 very good reasons. Here they are: 1. People don’t understand stories unless celebrities dress up like characters and pretend they’re doing stuff. 2. Hollywood can test the original ending with sample audiences and if they don’t like it, then Joe Exotic escapes with Dillon Passage and they’re drinking Palomas on a beach in Mexico. Maybe Joe says something like, “Looking good, Dillon,” and Dillon toasts back and says, “Feeling good, Joe Exotic.” 3. The Coronavirus has affected our memory functions and by the time the movie comes out, we’ll all be like, “Wow. That looks craaazy. I wonder what it’s about!” 4. It’s funnier to see actors wear wigs that look like the hair that the real people in the documentary have. 5. Making this into a movie provides a valuable opportunity for Hollywood producers to offer roles to actors in exchange for sex and then never call them again. 6. By the time the Hollywood movie comes out, people will still be totally into Tiger King and it will be a totally relevant movie that touches on the pulse of America… Six months ago. 7. Making fun of poor people tests through the roof. 8. This is a chance for Hollywood executives to make up for not turning Katy Perry’s “Left Shark” into a movie. 9. So far, the only new Tiger King material is the 4 billion memes, 87 porn versions, and the 175 awkward celebrity interviews where the host is visibly hoping that none of these guys ask for their numbers so they can “hang” sometime. |
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